Give the gift of "slack"

Being in a Superfamily, we actively deal with at least 3-4 family schedules every holiday not including our own household. First of all, there is my family. That includes my kids, my parents, my sister, brothers, in laws, nieces and nephews. Then there is my husband’s family. He has his children, a brother, two sisters, nieces, nephews and in laws. Then there is my husband’s kids family (his former wife's relatives) which include their grandmother, aunts, uncles and cousins. On top of that we have 5 kids that are married with families and in-laws of their own.

So you figure it out...who do you go see first? Who do you say no too? What happens when it is your turn to host on "your side" of the family but it’s your spouse's sister turn on the other side? Or what happens when your kids want you to see their other parent’s family which of course cannot include your current spouse and their side of the family. So say yes means leaving your spouse and their children behind and spending time with your former family. To say no means disappointing your children.

Welcome to REAL "Stepfamily" life and it is a far cry from what is displayed on the 70’s show The Brady Bunch. There is no Alice to help clean up messes and NOTHING gets solved in 22 minutes plus commercials. It’s enough to leave you in heap of frustrated tears, if you allow it. You stretch yourself so thin and in the end without fail someone is left disappointed-usually you.

Every day we face new awkward complexities and the Holidays intensify those complexities. Sacrifice and disappointment are inevitable, but how you deal with it can make the difference.


Our holiday advice for stepfamilies or any complex family:

1. PLAN ahead. Do not wait until the week of, or day of and think that you can manage a complex family situation-it won't work. Communicate your plan ahead of time and listen to (and consider) your spouse's suggestion about the plans. Work toward compromise but not at each other’s expense.

2. Relax, ignore the stereotypes and learn to say NO. Sometimes to your kids, sometimes to your family, sometimes to your job, church, neighborhood or club. You cannot do everything. Get over it and let other people know they need to get over it too. Don’t allow people to say what you should do just because it’s what they do. Do not let "other people's normal" pressure you or get you in a state of foolish expectation. Do you.

3. Understand and accept that this is your life now. It will only get more complex from here. Our children will have to visit other family members as well as us, their grandparents etc. Accept where you are so you can plan effectively for where you are headed.

4. Enjoy where you are, wherever you are. One holiday we were split up and my husband was supposed to join me later. He didn’t make it. BUT I could have ruined the holiday for me, my family and my kids if all I did was worry about if my husband was coming or if I constantly called him, bugged him, texted him, wondering where he was or if they were going to make it. Instead, I put my phone in my purse, made punch, ate dessert with my nephew, played a hilarious charade game with the whole family and let the chips fall where they may. I assume that my husband and his family had a good time together as well. BE where you are.

5. Protect yourself. If one and/or both of you have crazy or insensitive family members that you simply don't want to be around (and everybody has them), set up a signal or a time limit ahead of time as to how long they can stay or how long you will be there. Never ruin or sacrifice your holiday by being someplace more than 60 minutes where you don’t want to be. Don't do it. Stop by if you must, keep the car running, be polite, wave from the door, send a pie, but don't subject yourself to any absurdity. Both of you and your family deserve better, especially during the holidays.

6. Don't give ultimatums. Why not? Because simply put-it’s stupid, as ultimatums usually are. Don't try and force someone else to make a decision. I tried it, and it doesn’t work. You and what you want may not be the priority in every case. Make no demands. You are going to have to spread the love around and share her/him, so deal with it. They had family when you met them and they will have family should you leave. So, instead of being jealous or possessive, be grateful that they have family that love them and that they have the heart capacity to love others. Send them on their way if you can’t work out a viable alternative and go have a great time yourself.

7. Carve out time with just the two of you during the season to reflect on the year and dream for next year. Last year my husband and I did a breakfast on Christmas Eve at a restaurant and it was great to slow down from the hustle and bustle and jusy enjoy being together. That time alone together more than made up for the few hours we missed together on Christmas. As a matter of fact, I am choosing that again this year.

8. You can do the “one hour at each house” thing. But why drag your kids and spouse all over town? None of you are really connecting with anyone because you are on time limit to get to the next stop. Pick a side of the family for thanksgiving, another for Christmas and maybe even another for the New Years. If it works, great, continue to manage it effectively and keep your sanity as the priority.


Let some expectations go. It’s a sure fire way to keep stress down and reconnect with the people that are important to you. Put a different gift under the tree this year..try giving each other some slack this holiday season. When you give the gift of choices, you receive the gift of liberty.

What we have here is a failure to communicate

Watching a rerun Dallas the other night was like watching a train wreck…you knew what was going to happen but you couldn’t help but watch.


Scenario: John Ross is brutally attacked in prison and could go back to jail and be killed if someone doesn’t do “something”. The family is at the hospital and all say that he can’t go back to prison and all agree that something has to be done. BUT that’s where the problem starts.

Uncle Bobby decides to do the forbidden and drill on Southfork to get the oil, to pay the gangsters. Mama Sue Ellen decides to bribe a medical Examiner to remove the evidence that got John Ross in jail in the 1st place and Cousin Christopher decides to give away rights to his project to the gangsters in exchange for his cousins’ freedom and evidence that could clear him. All of these are noble attempts at relieving the issue. However, they create an even bigger problem by having the failure to communicate. Noone is telling anyone what they have planned and what they are doing.

Everyone was off doing what was right in his own eyes and someone ended up doing what wasn’t necessary because the problem had been resolved by another method. John Ross is free but it came at a BIG unnecessary price.

The failure to communicate is not just a plot line on a TV series…is happening everyday with most families. Stepfamilies are no exception and because of the unique dynamics are more susceptible. The Husband and Wife of such a family can really take a hit if they fail to inform, express, share and expound on what is important and be able to work together to be certain that they are not doing the unnecessary.

Example, my husband planned an open house for his son at the last minute. He didn’t really include me on the plans to get it done and I found out almost like everyone else, a week or so before and on the phone. To his credit, we have a lot going on and he didn’t want to burden me. However, planning, hosting and organization are not his strong suit. So although he reeled me in at the end to handle some last minute details and it turned out ok, it was not nearly as smooth as it could have been had we worked together.

Another example in the reverse is the remodeling we are having done in the kitchen. We had our kitchen gutted out and had to plan and choose every aspect of the new kitchen. We had to choose the floor, the paint, the countertop, the cabinets, the backsplash, the lighting, ceiling fan, the handles and on and on. We picked out everything together and in full agreement. One of my husband’s kids even complimented us how we are doing this together. She noticed that we weren’t bickering, fighting, complaining, demanding or making decisions without the other. It’s going noticeably smooth because we are working together.

Work diligently at communication; “Over” share if you have to. Your spouse needs to be in the loop at the onset of ALL of your plans not as an after thought. Trust me, the children are watching and you are teaching communication skills whether you realize it or not.

Wait this isn't blood...

A few weeks ago the medical facility I work in had an “active shooter drill”.  It’s a scenario that is carefully planned and mapped out including local authorities, swat teams, employees heavily made up to play the role of casualties and victims.  We also hired an actor to play the role of the shooter so no one, not even the employees participating would know who he was.

Working in administration I got to see the whole thing play out, gun shots, blood splattered on the walls, people screaming, hospital security barking out instructions, the gunman terrorizing the employees and threatening them…SWAT team swooping in rifles drawn...EMT’s trying to get to the victims…and the cameras were rolling…remember it was just a drill.  

Once the “gunman” was apprehended and the drill was over we did a debriefing with the employees involved.  Sitting around the board room table were employees who were actually crying, hyperventilating, visually upset, holding their makeshift wounds, wiping syrupy blood from their faces and completely undone by what they experienced.

It took almost a half hour to calm everyone down, shake some of them into reality and remind them that the blood gushing from their heads was not real.  They had gotten so involved in the action..that they forgot it was just a drill.  Going in, each of them knew that the gunman would be apprehended, no one would be hurt.  But actually living out the active shooter script caused most of them to almost forget that was just a test. They filed one by one in the bathroom to wash off the remnants of a war not fought and eventually went back to their offices.

As believers, we sometimes forget that the little battles in our marriages, our parenting, our jobs, our families, our churches all belong to the Lord.  In the end, it has already been pre-declared that we win.  So to allow the battle to overtake you, no matter how real it may seem is to forget who is sitting on throne. Now sometimes the pain is excruciating and the blood IS real, but it is in those times that we have to remember that we are trained for battle. We did the drill. We know how to fight and with what. The bible teaches that the weapons of warfare are not carnal but spiritual. There is nothing coming that you don’t have the grace to deal with. Don’t live in fear, but in faith that you are fully prepared and your God is well able to always deliver. The blood is just syrup…now wipe your face and go back to work.

By the power of GRAYSKULL...I have NO POWER??

We lost power on the 5th of July….it was just restored last evening. During the time the power was out, it reached over 100 degrees so we stayed in a hotel a few days..just making the best of an uncomfortable situation. I went back to the house a few times during the outage, and it was eerie. The dead quietness was deafening. No TV’s, no radios, no computers, no dishwasher humming, no dryer tumbling, no iron steaming…nothing. The house didn’t even feel…well for lack of a better word…"alive".

You could quickly tell the difference between the houses in our area that had power and those that didn’t. Those that did, were happening….animated…active..those like ours…were dark and dead. There was a house or two running on minimal power with a generator, but not for long. They soon joined the ranks at a nearby hotel until the power was restored.

When that power came back to our house...you would have thought we could take over the world..if we had a mountain, we would have yelled just like HE-Man...By the power of Grayskull...I HAVE THE POWER!!!  Why, because when you are empowered..you can DO things. Flat Irons started heating, music started playing, washing machine started swishing.. And just like He-man (who had the authority after getting power to change his pet into a roaring Lion) you can also then empower OTHERS.

Three valuable things I learned:

1. You quickly can tell the difference between those that operate in power and those that don’t. People whose dreams, ambitions and purpose have been back-burnered, sidelined or trampled on, live without any light in their eyes. You’ve seen them. They have no hum of activity or growth, just doing the day in, day out. As the kids would say “get yo’ life”. Translate: Things are in disarray, out of order, out of balance and messy in your life. Fix it.

2. You can only run on a generator for so long. THIS is where most of us are. We are operating at minimal power from a temporary source. From us on the outside, our neighbors’ light in the window looked like a beacon of hope. But on the inside of their house, things were still out of whack. Most appliances were unplugged, they all slept in the living room with one fan and everything was shoved into a smaller frig to conserve energy. You can only run like this for so long. You can only fool everyone, and yourself for a short amount of time. Eventually you need let go of the temporary and seek the permanent.

3. The power was available all along…WE just weren’t connected to it. It was evident when the power company did the testing, fuses were blowing and sparks were flying. All of which was an indication that the source of power was where it was supposed to be…there was nothing wrong with it, there was something wrong with the connection. The power and favor of God is available to us that ascribe to living a godly life. He says that there is no good thing that he will withhold to those that walk uprightly. Get connected, not to the temporary, fleeting or flawed…get connected to HIM.

If Eve had watched Independence Day…we may not be in this mess…

In my first book "A Princess Cut Diamond", I shared a truth that still rings in my head today.  The devil is not trying to make you uncomfortable…he is trying to KILL you...blow you, and your family off the map.  Eve thought the enemy was her friend…that he was just trying to show her who she could become if she bent the directives of God.  Eve fell for it, why?  Because she didn’t know the undergirding strategy of the devil and he didn’t tell her.

Had Eve watched Independence Day (yeah the one with Bill Pullman and Will Smith), she may had had a clue.

When the aliens’ arrive on planet earth, of course there is panic and gunfire.  At this point fear is ruling on both sides. When the dust settles…The people of earth, (America in particular being the “sweethearts” that we are) want to believe the best about the alien race.  We want to learn about them, learn from them, hang out with them..making the stupid, naïve assumption that they came in peace. In the course of the initial fight, one of the aliens is knocked out cold and captured.

President Whitmore goes to see the captured alien and that’s where the grits hit the fan… This is the scene where the movie takes a hard left. It’s the moment when true intentions are revealed.  The President asks the aliens do they come in peace..it responds “no peace”.  President Whitmore goes on to talk about what we can learn from each other blah blah blah..the alien is not having it.  Finally, the President  asks, “what do you want us to do?”  The alien responds…DIE, DIE.  Needless to say, that alien never makes it out of the lab alive. The President now knows that the goal is annihilation of mankind. Peace isn’t an option…he tells the armed forces “Nuke em’.  When people show you their true intentions...or when you finally figure out that someone is all about them, or that this relationship is toxic, or this habit is debilitating..you need to make a presidential kinda decision. Get your armed forces (the Word of God) and make a command on the promises of God. When you truly know what is on the line; your stance needs to change from passive to aggressive and defensive.

Living a passive lifestyle, waiting on the enemy to hit you is silly and it will destroy your home...while you playin'. Be on the defense with prayer, exercise, confession, sowing time into your family, eating healthy, correction, being fiscally responsible, work life balance…areas where the enemy would love to rip you a part and give you the impression that if you bend the directives of God, you can have it all.  Let today truly be your Independence Day from everything or everyone that is sucking the life out of you, but putting nothing back.  Declare your Independence from immature behaviors, irresponsibility, and lack of vision.  Declare it LOUD in the words of President Whitmore...

 Perhaps it's fate that today is the Fourth of July, and "I "will once again be fighting for "my" freedom... Not from tyranny, oppression, or persecution... but from annihilation. "I" am fighting for "my" right to live [an abundant life]. To exist. And SINCE "I"  will win today, the Fourth of July will no longer be known as an American holiday, but as the day "this family" declared in one voice: "We will not go quietly into the night!" We will not vanish without a fight! We're going to live on! We're going to survive! Today we celebrate our Independence Day! 

Don’t get it twisted…ever. As far as the enemy is concerned… No peace…lets NUKE EM’...

Who asks questions like THAT??

Almost six years ago in Dunkin Donuts parking lot with a beautiful Princess Cut Diamond and White Gold Ring, His Highness asked me a hard question….”Will you Marry Me”…??  It’s obvious I said yes, and after knowing him almost 10 years..this week marks our 5^th Anniversary.  Hard and or sensitive questions are status quo for us now.  It’s a part of who we are as a couple, why?  Because we care enough to cause a little hurt in feelings, for a greater healing in spirit.

So this year’s hard question from me to him was…..

“What about this marriage so far has disappointed you?”

Who asks questions like that?  ME that’s who.  Why?  Because more than I want to have the silly immature illusion that I am a perfect, seamless, wonderful, amazing, faultless, virtuous wife…I want to always operate in truth, even if the truth sucks. 

The bible says that houses and wealth you get from your folks…but a prudent wife is from the Lord.

I love the very first part of the definition of prudent…“having good sense”.  A wife with good sense can asks the hard questions knowing that an atmosphere of phoniness is the breeding ground for failure. I know it’s hard to believe people…but “everything ain’t been wonderful”.  You have to know and operate in truth so that you can do what is necessary in your character to build an environment in your marriage conducive for your spouse to grow and be nurtured in.  

Its sad to see marriages that look “wonderful” on the outside, but when you peel back some layers..wives are afraid of damaging their spouses esteem so they won’t tell him that their temperament, ego or pride is causing a great divide in the house.  Husbands won’t tell their wives, afraid of offending them, that it embarrasses him when she isn’t dressed appropriately or acts loud and brash in public. It isn’t easy, but I will always ask the hard questions and make sure that I keep my ego and pride in check so when my husband has to ask me a hard question, there is grace available to think, not be offended or worry to cause offense and to answer in truth.

Marriages and families (blended or otherwise) cannot grow effectively without having these crucial conversations. If you haven’t had a conversation like this and you have been married over a year..you have some catching up to do.  Don’t let your marriage go on for 7, 10, 20 years without knowing what the little foxes are that have the potential to spoil your vine. Care enough…love enough.. to ask the hard questions.

Shut up and while you're at it- don't hit anyone in the neck with a bat!

“Son, Never miss an opportunity to Shut Up”….-JR Ewing, Dallas..

That is a classic line if I ever heard one.

Just Perfect! I was all set to write a post on instructing others on the biblical principal …Studying to be quiet. I brought up the word document to begin to type and then I get a phone call..and guess what I had to do. SHUT UP. No, I don’t mean simmer down, choose my words carefully or speak sparingly. I mean I had to SHUT UP and fast. Had I not, it would have been some smoke in the city and I would probably have spoken out of disappointment and anger and not have been reasonable. I am so glad that God authenticated the gravity of his Word just that quickly. It further confirms that I continue to share out of experience and NOT from what I heard or that I am mimicking from others.

What does this have to do with step families?? Nothing in this case, but EVERYTHING in general. I've said it before, people have a misconception that everyone gets thrown into a blender, you hit a button and out comes this wonderful blended family smoothie. Uh No. That’s not everyone’s story. More often than not, people although they love each other to a degree, are vying for attention, pushing to be the priority, to feel important, to make sure nothing is being “taken” from them…sometimes at the expense or disregard of others. With all that drama going on….sometimes (not all the time) its best to not miss the opportunity to shut up....pray, stand still and see the salvation of the Lord.  Don't get off center...and don't hit anyone in the neck with a bat (whatever, THAT's just good advice).

I Thessalonians 4:11 scripture says in the Message Bible “to make it your ambition to lead a quiet life: You should mind your own business and work with your hands.. Grandma said it all the time”baby...mind your own self business..”

I am so glad Dallas is back on..*I see you laughing, skip yall* laugh if you want to..but I learn something everytime I see it. Something about it..just makes me look for the layers..for the lesson…for the revelation and this past week..it was simple..in the words of the Rock..Know your role…and shut your mouth. Shhhhhhhh.




*pic courtesy of TNT

I CAN handle the truth, keep your pom-poms

My boys used to play football and I am not one of those parents that coddled them after games and kissed their scrapes. I always probed them to see what they learned by their action whether good or bad. Once my son and I discussed a game that they lost and he told me that the coach yelled at them for over an hour.  I know some parents would have called that coach and read him the riot act. Thankfully, I know THAT is a big mistake….so I thought about it and then asked him…well what do you think about that? He shocked me…he said…Ma, Coach was right. He said some of us were so busy chanting with the cheerleaders and pumping up the crowd that we didn’t listen to him and were confused on plays. Then he took a piece of paper and began drawing plays and showing me what they should have done versus what they did. I had no clue what he was talking about at this point but he was so excited to know WHAT to do and what didn’t work.  At 13 years old, he knew how to take, process and understand criticism without OFFENSE. That lesson was priceless.

I told my son that cheerleaders are not there for YOU.  They are there for the crowd….God love em, I was one- but they are NOT in the game. Their job is to stand on the sidelines and keep other people on the sidelines engaged in your game. Coaches may not be as pretty and they have no pon poms, nor will they tell you how cute you are after the game, but they are the ones with the wisdom.  While everyone is cheering, and yelling and chanting…coaches are watching, writing, instructing, developing, noticing and sometimes praying that you do what he knows you can do. That’s why after a winning game or season..no matter what players thank COACHES (after their mama, that is:) not cheerleaders. It’s the coaches that are truly in the trenches designing victory.

I learned a valuable lesson yesterday..well actually it just confirmed something I already knew.  There is a MAJOR difference between cheerleaders and coaches. I spoke with someone yesterday about some angst I was experiencing and some career moves that I was looking to take within my current position. Thankfully she didn’t coddle my wounds or tell me how awesome I was…she came at me with both barrels. I loved it! 1.  She was right  2. I trusted her opinion  3.  She trusted me enough to know that I was mature enough to handle it without offense and 4.  She didn’t use any cutesy techniques to tell me.  She just laid it out.  All the way home I turned over what she said and got myself together, I prayed and now I know WHAT to do.  Had she wasted my time with compliments, I might feel mushy and loved…but I wouldn’t be challenged or helped. I’ll take the latter. I want to grow. Don’t sandwich truth between two pon poms and a cartwheel. Also, get you some people in your circle that can get in your business and coach you to the next level. If you need cheerleaders, encourage yourself. But to raise a stepfamily or run a multimillion dollar corporation…you are going to need people with a clipboard, a whistle and megaphone. 

A clipboard, a whistle and megaphone??  We will talk about that in our next post…

Left my beer by the side of the road...

I worked in the audio/video department in my church and this particular Sunday I was responsible for putting the lyrics of the worship songs on the big screen.  While listening to the music of the next song to be sung…I thought I recognized it.  But the worship leader sung something that sounded like….Left my BEER by the side of the road… WHAT???  Although, I guess it would be an ok thing to do-leaving beer that is…just didn’t sound like it was shaping up to the kind of song that we would normally sing in church.  I brought up another screen and begin searching on the internet for a song with those lyrics so if I could type them in as we went.  Nothing came up…not even close.  As the leader kept singing…the screen stayed blank…I had no idea where he was going…and then he got to the chorus of the song….”All I need is you…All I need is you Lord..”

Now this part I knew…but I had no idea that there was more to this song than the chorus which was all that we used to sing.  Secondly, I still couldn’t figure out how “beer” fit into the whole scheme of things.  Later I learned that the verse starts…”left my FEAR by the side of the road…”  OOOkay…making sense now.  Scary for me…not having the lyrics up and thinking our worship leader had lost his mind…BUT it was two GREAT lessons in listening.

1. I MISHEARD what was said.  I know what it sounded like…but that was not what he said.  How many times has our spouse, our kids, our siblings, our parents, our boss said something that WE misinterpreted?  Especially with modern technology…an email or text can be taken all out of context if someone leaves their caps lock on by mistake. By now you should know the rule…REPEAT what you thought you heard and get clarity.  If I had just asked the question..more than likely somebody in the studio had heard the song before and could have told me what it was.  In a conversation, what you may have thought was offensive, may just be frustration that has nothing to do with you.  ASK and REPEAT.

2. I didn’t know that there was MORE to the song than what I had previously heard before.  Anytime you are in a conversation…know that 8 times out of 10 there is more to it than what you are hearing.  Search for the root, dig for motive, keep asking why in new and creative ways. I didn’t know that the chorus had a verse that connected it. Don’t think that a bad day at work for your spouse isn’t connected to his response to you. Don’t view your kids moping as just them being moody…connect the dots.

So the next time you hear about beer on the side of the road…don’t panic….it’s probably just the verse to a chorus that ends up turning out ok.

Funny thing happened at the OB GYN's office today..

I went to my first OB/GYN appointment when I was 17 years old. The conversation was about contraception, understanding your menstrual cycle and how to do a breast exam.  We talked about the beginning of womanhood.

As I got older and started having children, the conversation changed to making sure I ate properly while pregnant, what exercises I could and could not do, understanding the Lamaze method and pre natal vitamins. We talked about the beginning of childbearing.

Today I went to my OB/GYN and the conversation has changed once again.  Now we are talking about about pre-menopausal symptoms, regular mammograms, enduring aches and pains during your cycle and looking at possibilities of future estrogen replacement. We talked about the ending.

The good news is, for a woman to have as many children as I do, my doctor concurs that I look darn good-inside and out.  I could still bear a child safely, if I wanted to -my body could handle it. The bad news is the tenor of the conversation. The scope of the conversation now had to do with an ending…not a beginning. What to watch for when my cycle stops, hot flashes, mood swings... Funny what you can learn while laying flat on your back with your feet in stirrups..you're pretty vulnerable, so you talk and stare up in the ceiling to keep your mind off of what's really going on. 

An assistant noticed my demeanor and asked what was wrong.  I told her about the conversation change to discussing “ending”…she said girl…“every ending IS a beginning”.

She was right.  As a matter of fact, I’ve noticed that in my family as well.  His Highness and I both had to endure a pretty hard endings to previous relationships (death & divorce) in order to have the beginning we have with each other.  I had to end my previous role as the woman in my son’s lives in order to begin a new life that includes grandchildren and daughter in laws. I ended my role as employee of one company to begin a career in another position.  There are endings happening all around us everyday…ending roles, assignments, friendships, relationships, status, influences…but what is coming up the road?It could possibly be a new beginning.  A new way of viewing things, a new life without him or her, a new role in a person’s life, a new lifestyle, a new circle…So don’t mourn the ends in your life for long…turn the page and read the new beginning. I wonder what I'm gonna learn when I get my eyes checked!

Adjusting the spiritual DNA...

We chose the Superman colors for obvious reasons...but of course I needed to study the colors and find out other meaning or insinuations that the colors represent.  I wanted to be certain that these colors on our crest reflect UP. These colors have now become a part of our spiritual DNA.

The colors Deep Red (Sanguine) stands for many things but we chose the blood of Christ.  His Highness wanted it expressed that we were a family that was blood bought.  We want our heirs to know that if it had not been for the shed blood of Jesus Christ, no remission of sin would be possible.

The Blue color (Sapphire) represents royalty, power, and authority. We believe that we are a chosen generation and a royal priesthood.  We want our children and our grandchildren and their grandchildren to know who they are and WHOSE they are. 

Lastly the GOLD (Aurum) symbolizes excellence, purity and wealth.  In other words, do what you do with all excellence as unto the Lord, keep your hands clean (do it with integrity and honesty) and be a generation that understands, studies and perpetrates wealth (not just riches).

 

The four POWER words for the Superfamily are “clockwise” Wisdom, Creativity, Insight and Prosperity.  The cycle or order is even symbolic. 

 Wisdom is the principal thing.  The Bible teaches that.  When you have sought the Wisdom of God in any area (family, business, ministry parenting…anything!!) you will need creativity to do what you do with distinction and excellence. Next is insight..in order to have continued success you must have insight (which is “CLEAR perception”) on how things are going. We want our family to always assess themselves…always be honest with where they are and how they can improve. With wisdom, creativity and insight working…prosperity (favor, wealth, influence, health) can be handled and shared with maturity…and then the cycle continues.

That in a nutshell is the meaning behind our crest...there is still the sword, the shield itself and the helmet which I am getting more information on as I study further.  I know what we want it to mean...but God is revealing SO much more...what an exciting journey...

Thanks for giving me these last few posts to publish this for my family.  I want this to always be available to them so they know who they are, what they can do and what has been spoken over them!

Starting next week...The Superfamily goes to the Holocaust Museum and family organization techniques that I used to set the tone for this year!

Blog Break-GET MOTIVATED

Yes, we are still covering the background for the Superfamily coat of arms this month, but I needed to share this after stumbling across some notes.

Going through my notebooks for 2011 I came across my notes from the “Get Motivated” Seminar I attended.  I don’t remember sharing them on my blog. I believe I initially thought…they were more business related versus family oriented.  But in reviewing them, some of the principles that govern stable businesses are relevant for families as well.  There is no corporation more strategic, valuable and intricate than a family.  The added dimension of the complexities of a blended family rival that of merging two major conglomerates!

 So review these nuggets with your family AND your business in mind.  I hope something is recorded in them that will help you build and develop your strategic plan for 2012!

1. During the time of change and disruption, seek and you will find opportunity.
2. Take on the tough assignments.
3. Be easy to manage, stay humble, meek and learn how to accept bad news.
4. It may take several attempts to achieve success.
5. Build your personal value and know what value add you bring to the table. [In nana's words you gotta be more than breath and britches]
6. People from the the 2^nd top country in this world wishes they were here with your opportunity.
7. Even if you win the rat race, you are still a rat. Keep the main thing, the main thing.
8. Work diligently to restore relationships.  The crime problem is directly related to the father-son problem.  This is why in the Jewish culture you find less of their young men in jail.  Fathers in their culture, verbally bless their children often.
9. “Why” is often more important than “how”.  Understand motive and any “how” will do.
10. What are you willing to do EVERY single day of your life?
11. Keep it simple.  Meet the customers’ need, make a profit. Business 101. 
12. If you finish last in medical school…you are still called doctor.  So don’t be discriminate and think just degreed individuals are the brightest bulb in the pack.  In 2010 93.9% of all billionaires in world never even finished college and if they did it wasnt until after they were wealthy.  Wisdom is the principal thing, you can learn from anyone.
13. W.I.N. “What’s Important Now”??
14. First we will be the best, and then we will be first.
15. Failure=succeeding at the wrong thing.

Lastly…raise your hand as high as you can (no, actually do it) …now raise it higher!  Why didn’t you do that at first??  Because we always hold “something” back.  Fear and vulnerability keeps us from always giving our best.  Conquer fear, be strong and courageous.  The worst that can happen is that you stay where you are...but what if you actually achieve...all...or maybe even 2 of the things that you are dreaming of.  Ok, put your hand down…and make your plans 2012! Its NOT too late to get motivated.

Sweet "13"

13???  This throws some people off...not sure why- its simple, Superfamily started with 13 people. Myself and my husband, his six kids and my five kids..which equals 13.  We have in-laws and grandchildren now that are added as a part of the family, however the Superfamily core started with the 2 plus 11. We became a family unit on June 30^th 2007 and whereas my husband and I symbolized our union with a covenant agreement the family symbolized our union by taking communion together.  Its like the 12 tribes of Israel…that number “12” never changes even though the descendents of Israel are now too numerous to number.  Israelites just let you know…I’m of the tribe of Judah.  So I guess our Great grandchildren will say that they are of the tribe of Jerica… Jason??  You get the point. 

What’s interesting is that although the 12 tribes were looked at as a unit called “The Children of Israel” (for us its the Superfamily), each tribe had its own distinction based on the giftings and talents of the founding member of that tribe.  For example, the most well-known two are the tribes of Levi and the tribe of Judah.  The Levitical tribe is where the priests came from and the Tribe of Judah is known for the “praisers”.  If you were of the tribe of Levi…your expectations were that you would have an empowerment to carry the office of priest.  You lived it, you were preparing for it.  The tribe of Judah was the same.  If you were a child that was a descendant of Judah, it was expected that you knew how to usher in the presence of God with spiritual songs and praise. But EVERY tribe had the blessing of Abraham.

Each of our children carry a uniqueness that is defined by the calling and gifting of myself, my husband and what God has called them to do individually. However, there are some empowerments, anointings and blessings that we are speaking over them and into them that they are to spread down into their “tribe”.

Think about it:  What are you telling your children that they are and what they can do? What are you speaking in their spirit and having them say out of their mouths? What blessing are you preparing as a legacy for them and your heirs?? Don't just rattle off something..fast/pray about it and turn it over for awhile and then when God gives the green light on your proclaimation..start ta' speaking!

Who are we..and WHY??

For those that have followed us for awhile, you will note the new mast head with the Superfamily Coat of Arms/Crest in the corner.  His Highness and I worked diligently about every detail of the crest.  We decided on every color, every picture, every word, each symbol…everything.  What you see is a finished product of a lot of prayer, compromise and creativity..which in essence is what the Superfamily is about.  I am publishing this to give you a glimpse into what the crest is about and cause you to think of what your family represents.  More importantly, I want this be available to those in our family that come after us as a testament of what our ‘walk” should look like. 

To the 13 and beyond…now hear this and tell your children and those you choose to marry-we are NOT common, ordinary, run of mill people.  We are not like everyone else. Everywhere we go our presence dominates a room, not just because there’s a lot of us…but because there is a light that goes before us.  It’s in our laughter, our gestures, they way we look out for each other. Understand, you are not “better” than others per se’…you are simply anointed. Individually, we are unique and valuable; BUT together we are a dominating mighty force of wisdom, creativity, insight and prosperity.  Never take that for granted.

Now to the crest...The Superman “S” of course stands for our new "family" name.  When we combined in 2007, we were no longer just the Stephens, Jamerson’s or Anderson’s.  No one name encompassed everything and everybody fairly, so I asked God for a new name.  Along with our “super” size, it takes supernatural favor, wisdom, insight, and patience in order to manage and be a part of our family. I also felt I needed a cape in order to keep up with all of the demands that were dropped on us running a conglomerate called “family”.  So Superfamily…definitely fits.  We’ve got people that want to “apply” to be in our family, because of what they see on the surface.  However, we can tell you…it’s not for everyone.  There is an empowerment necessary to blend as a family successfully…we’ve been at it for years and aren’t “there” yet.

So let that be encouragement to those of you that are in complex families.  1.  Don’t allow anyone to tell you how long it should take to blend.  Noone knows- period.  Every family dynamic is different and blending successfully looks different depending on your point of reference.  2.  Also, look at your family characteristics, your talents, abilities and things that both families do well or your “opposites”…somewhere in there you may find the purpose for why God brought you together. 3. Look for ways to unite the family. It could be a crest, a picture, a tradition or a moniker that everyone knows. Where there is unity, there is strength.

Stay tuned  for what the colors stand for…and the #13!

Why am I given so much to do!!

About a week ago I had lunch with an acquaintance of mine..for no other reason but to get re-acquainted. There was no pretense or agenda…just two women getting together at Meriweather’s (A GREAT place to eat by the way) to eat, laugh, talk and eat some more. For that reason, expectations were low. I didn’t expect to come away with any thought provoking revelations..just eat & have a good time with her. However, revelatory knowledge is available everywhere if you look for it.

Not even sure how we got on the subject, but we begin talking about the parable of the talents from the account in bible & my lunch guest brought out something I knew…but needed to be reminded of. In the parable the master gave three servants “talents”. The 1st got 5, the 2nd received 2 and the 3rd got 1. When the master returned to see how the servants had fared with the talents the first two both doubled their talents so the 1st had 10 and the 2nd now had 4. The 3rd servant was afraid to do anything or try anything daring or new and he decided to bury his talent and presented the master with the 1 talent that he initially gave him. Now I know this story. I have heard it since I was a little girl but it was the next part that I had always overlooked. The master then dogged out the servant with the one and gave it to the servant who had doubled 5 into 10. Why is that interesting?? Well, why didn’t he give it to the one who had doubled 2 into four since he had less than the 1st servant? Why didn’t he give the servant another chance? Then my guest said something that opened my eyes to why I have the schedule, giftings, talents, abilities, dreams, desires, assignments, tasks and jobs that I have.

God has entrusted me with more, because I have handled more and doubled it. I am not afraid to try something new or do something different than anyone else. Even with the responsibilities I already have, I am always seeking how to maximize moments and take things to the next level. So writing a book, winning a beauty pageant, raising five children, working full time, remarrying and now managing a superfamily is good, actually it’s darn good. But now God has seen the fruit of those areas and now there is more to do. So add writing more books and creating conferences and workshops, developing a business, volunteering at the Junior League, stepping up responsibilities at work, traveling, exposing my children to more, different & better, planning weddings and events, developing legacy opportunities for my grandchildren and acting in Community Theater are the next layer. So the next time I ask …Lord why me? I will check myself HARD. I have it to do, because I have been faithful over a few things (not always….but eventually). I have it to do because I can handle it (even through frustration, I get it done). I have it to do because I am not afraid and Lord instead of always asking YOU for double….my goal is to bring YOU back double.

Get The Rebound...

The 1989-1990 Detroit Pistons was my most favored sports team of all time. Partly because there were no “stars”. Noone really shined more than anyone else…it was The Detroit Pistons against Larry Byrd and the Celtics, or Magic Johnson and the Lakers…they Pistons were always billed as a team (much like the Superfamily :). The reason I believe that their back to back championship seasons were so successful was due to wisdom of their coach Chuck Daly who put every Pistons in the right role for the right time.

Just recently NBA retired Dennis Rodman was in back in Detroit to retire his jersey number 10. Dennis was a rebound rustler. His job was to get the rebound…Dennis rarely drove the ball down court, or took three point shots. Again, His job was to get the rebound. He was named Defensive Player of year and helped the Pistons get two championship rings by doing what he was designed to do and staying in his lane. Other Pistons may have gotten better stats in points or free throws but that “1” in the win column would not have happened had it not been for Dennis’ role. He was designed to play defense. His job was to get the rebound.

In Stepfamilies, the lines of roles and responsibilities can get blurry. You get a lot of unsolicited, although perhaps well-meaning advice from people who have no clue as to the intricacies of the dynamics you face on a day to day basis. Trying to navigate what others think, and what your role actually is in every separate new relationship in the family is draining, demanding and emotionally strenuous. You cross a line here and get slapped back. You don’t do “enough” here and get criticized behind your back. Its enough to make you want to retreat and mind your own self-business (as grandma would say). I know, because I’ve done it and its an emergency tactic to have to get refocused and hear clearly from God.

Like Dennis, You need to hear from the "coach" to know what you are supposed to do. You may think its shooting, blocking, or dribbling..but you could just be assigned to getting the “rebounds”. ..just picking up pieces…here and there..getting in where you fit in.. Its not as glamorous, but your family will not get one in the win column without your skill set and tenacity. They may not even respect it, but eventually…even if it years later…”your jersey” will rise to the rafters and many will rise and call you blessed.  Be diligent about learning your role and then stay in that lane.  THAT is the only place where there is grace to prosper.  If you veer or get into the roles that others should be doing, you will be operating on your own..and alone is NO place to be if you are running a Superfamily.

"YOU Again"

While enjoying a nice afternoon in the nail salon, my daughter and I watched a movie called You Again. It starred Sigourney Weaver, Jamie Lee Curtis as two former high school rivals who daughters also became high school rivals. They meet back up when Jamie Lee Curtis’ son decides to marry Sigourney’s daughter, who again is the rival of his sister.

Wild antics occur when past feelings, hurts, fights and emotions seep to the surface between all four of the old rivals. So much so, that the wedding rehearsal is destroyed and the wedding is called off. Although not quite as planned, cooler heads prevail and *spoiler alert* the wedding goes on. It was near the end of the movie that caught my attention. At the very end..one of the grandmothers, played by Betty White runs into another older woman at the reception and they look at each other with disdain and shout “You Again”. In an “a-ha flashback moment” It is insinuated that this feud started long before the daughters and mothers. It started with the grandmothers and the cycle has been revisited in every generation since.

The movie just served as a reminder to me that negative cycles will reappear in your relationships, your children and their relationships, your job etc.. if you don’t change and modify behavior toward the positive. It is on my worklist to never have face another negative cycle and mumble in submission ugh.. not “You Again”. It is imperative that stupidity I dealt with, faced and fell under...ends with me.

Reposition Yourself...

The GPS on my phone is pretty helpful. You know the drill, you punch in where you want to go, and the smooth voice tells you which way to get there. They tell you every turn, calculate traffic, distance, barriers and upcoming freeways. All goes well until you do something that the “voice’ did not tell you to do.

You know how it is…we see a familiar street and say…Oh, I can go this way…or traffic looks heavy and you decide to turn off on an exit instead of being patient and waiting. Then the GPS goes into overdrive..it begins to yell at you “You are off course”, Incorrect turn, Incorrect turn. At first it tries to tell you to make a few turns to get you back on the road you were on. However, after you get so far out, you will hear nothing while it “thinks” of what to do with you next. Then after it loads back up you hear recalculating route…meaning the GPS sees that you are WAY off track and is now trying to find the best route based on where you are and where you still say you are going.

Usually that route is longer and more complex than if you had stayed on the initial path to begin with. You will still get where you are going but it will take longer and probably be a little more frustrating than if you had just stayed on the path.

I have spent the end of last year and the beginning of 2011 getting back on the right route. Sometimes you can get so caught up with the projects, dreams, responsibilities and visions of other people that all of a sudden you look up and everything you are supposed to be doing is taking a back seat, Not gonna work.

In a family our size its easy to get lost in my husband's projects, fitness, rehearsal schedules, responsibilities or my daughters camp activties, school/homework, hanging with the Grandkids, housework, work and projects for my employer, and Junior League & Church is another life of its own. But in the hustle and bustle of all of that am I excused from what I am supposed to be doing? Nope. God fully expects me to use what I have to get it done. I am equipped with what I need to do it..and if I choose to do 50 million other things too...thats on me, but I still have a responsibility to my assignment.

So my GPS was off a little...but I'm back on track.. my husband, the Superfamily and the assignments that I have been given from God are my priority. Everything else is secondary and hopefully I will make fewer "incorrect turns" in 2011.

The UN-you

When you see this error message pop up in either e-mail correspondence or when trying to log onto a system...it usually means something you did prior to this step causes the computer to question whether you are a "real person" or not. The system will then require you to put in a code or password to prove that you are not a machine...or spam.

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Everyone once in awhile you need to do a inner system check to see if you are a "real person" or not. Seriously. When people see you...what do they see...the nice you, the polite you, the ameniable you...? Have you been playing the role of "you" for so long that the mask is glued to your face and you don't know the real "you" anymore. You have forgotten what you like, what you dreamed, what you have been designed to do, what you dislike, what you really feel... Its been a whirlwind...years.. months...days.. that you have spent faking a smile, faking a acquaintence, faking a lifestyle, faking a level of committment. You are so used to lying you know longer notice that you eat pickles, just because "the cool" kids did and you wanted to look cool. You pay no attention to the fact that when you get dressed 50 people run through you mind that you want to impress with your new suit or handbag. You only go to that church because your greatgrandad help build the cornerstone. You go along to get along..Fake.

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You have become a shell of who you are supposed to be and if you don't delve deep soon, understand the code and authenticate yourself...you wont be able to go any further. What does this have to do with blended families and 2nd marriages...TONS! With all the sticky and intricate dynamics of a stepfamily you walk on eggshells and tow fine lines hourly. You are constantly being careful not offend or cross sacred lines, sensitivities or boundaries. So you adjust, you change, you flip, you flop, you hold this back...you become the Un-you. Fake.

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You don't want to be compared or viewed anything like the ex-her or the ex-him-nothing wrong with that, uh NOBODY does or should....But the other extreme is that you will go out of your way to be nothing like anyone else your spouse has ever been with. That too is fake.

Enough to drive a person crazy! What's the remedy?

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Cling to your faith in Chirst and keep your conscience clear, for some people have deliberately violated their conscience and as a result their faith has been shipwrecked 1st Timothy 1:19. NLT

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KEEPING YOUR CONSCIENCE CLEAR has a direct effect of your faith. Daily...hourly if you have to...ask yourself one of the deepest questions in the world...WHY? Why am I doing this, why am I saying this, why am I going here, why am I speaking to her, why am I ignoring them, why dont I feel comfortable... You may lie to others, but tell yourself the truth. Relearn you and become genuine, authentic...real. Its time to un-do the un-you.

Its half time...time to huddle up!

Our point of reference for "half time" drifts to a sports game...and halfway through the game all play stops, the team comes off the field and goes into the locker room. Most players change clothes, shoes, take a quick shower. Some may grab something to drink or eat to keep their energy up. But after all of the initial commotion stops..its time for the coach to speak. The coach goes over what went well, what went wrong and what the strategy the team will use to work toward victory.

Its July and a little more than half of the year has past. Summertime is finally here and the sunshine, cool breezes and holidays bring about looser schedules..lazy afternoons, and vacations. Nothing is wrong with any of that except that by the time you get your footing again the kids are back in school, its mid September and in three months the year will be over and very few of your 2010 goals have been met.

Every mid year I have learned to huddle up. I come off the field (take a few days off work..or plan a long weekend)..change clothes (no suits, pantyhose or pumps) nourish myself and then prepare to listen to the coach...for me that's God.

I go over my year plans/goals and update myself as to where I am with completing them. I see what I have done well...what I have done not so well and adjust where necessary. I make tasks sheets to give direction as to what I need to accomplish and then determine if there is more I can take on or if there is something I need to let go.

This process rejuvenates a sports team and it does wonders for an individual as well. I also use this time to review my daughters schedule and goals..and plan time off for my husband and I.

Don't let the rest of this year just happen to you. Its half time...and its time huddle up...take stock and plan out the rest of your year...Live on purpose.