Give the gift of "slack"

Being in a Superfamily, we actively deal with at least 3-4 family schedules every holiday not including our own household. First of all, there is my family. That includes my kids, my parents, my sister, brothers, in laws, nieces and nephews. Then there is my husband’s family. He has his children, a brother, two sisters, nieces, nephews and in laws. Then there is my husband’s kids family (his former wife's relatives) which include their grandmother, aunts, uncles and cousins. On top of that we have 5 kids that are married with families and in-laws of their own.

So you figure it out...who do you go see first? Who do you say no too? What happens when it is your turn to host on "your side" of the family but it’s your spouse's sister turn on the other side? Or what happens when your kids want you to see their other parent’s family which of course cannot include your current spouse and their side of the family. So say yes means leaving your spouse and their children behind and spending time with your former family. To say no means disappointing your children.

Welcome to REAL "Stepfamily" life and it is a far cry from what is displayed on the 70’s show The Brady Bunch. There is no Alice to help clean up messes and NOTHING gets solved in 22 minutes plus commercials. It’s enough to leave you in heap of frustrated tears, if you allow it. You stretch yourself so thin and in the end without fail someone is left disappointed-usually you.

Every day we face new awkward complexities and the Holidays intensify those complexities. Sacrifice and disappointment are inevitable, but how you deal with it can make the difference.


Our holiday advice for stepfamilies or any complex family:

1. PLAN ahead. Do not wait until the week of, or day of and think that you can manage a complex family situation-it won't work. Communicate your plan ahead of time and listen to (and consider) your spouse's suggestion about the plans. Work toward compromise but not at each other’s expense.

2. Relax, ignore the stereotypes and learn to say NO. Sometimes to your kids, sometimes to your family, sometimes to your job, church, neighborhood or club. You cannot do everything. Get over it and let other people know they need to get over it too. Don’t allow people to say what you should do just because it’s what they do. Do not let "other people's normal" pressure you or get you in a state of foolish expectation. Do you.

3. Understand and accept that this is your life now. It will only get more complex from here. Our children will have to visit other family members as well as us, their grandparents etc. Accept where you are so you can plan effectively for where you are headed.

4. Enjoy where you are, wherever you are. One holiday we were split up and my husband was supposed to join me later. He didn’t make it. BUT I could have ruined the holiday for me, my family and my kids if all I did was worry about if my husband was coming or if I constantly called him, bugged him, texted him, wondering where he was or if they were going to make it. Instead, I put my phone in my purse, made punch, ate dessert with my nephew, played a hilarious charade game with the whole family and let the chips fall where they may. I assume that my husband and his family had a good time together as well. BE where you are.

5. Protect yourself. If one and/or both of you have crazy or insensitive family members that you simply don't want to be around (and everybody has them), set up a signal or a time limit ahead of time as to how long they can stay or how long you will be there. Never ruin or sacrifice your holiday by being someplace more than 60 minutes where you don’t want to be. Don't do it. Stop by if you must, keep the car running, be polite, wave from the door, send a pie, but don't subject yourself to any absurdity. Both of you and your family deserve better, especially during the holidays.

6. Don't give ultimatums. Why not? Because simply put-it’s stupid, as ultimatums usually are. Don't try and force someone else to make a decision. I tried it, and it doesn’t work. You and what you want may not be the priority in every case. Make no demands. You are going to have to spread the love around and share her/him, so deal with it. They had family when you met them and they will have family should you leave. So, instead of being jealous or possessive, be grateful that they have family that love them and that they have the heart capacity to love others. Send them on their way if you can’t work out a viable alternative and go have a great time yourself.

7. Carve out time with just the two of you during the season to reflect on the year and dream for next year. Last year my husband and I did a breakfast on Christmas Eve at a restaurant and it was great to slow down from the hustle and bustle and jusy enjoy being together. That time alone together more than made up for the few hours we missed together on Christmas. As a matter of fact, I am choosing that again this year.

8. You can do the “one hour at each house” thing. But why drag your kids and spouse all over town? None of you are really connecting with anyone because you are on time limit to get to the next stop. Pick a side of the family for thanksgiving, another for Christmas and maybe even another for the New Years. If it works, great, continue to manage it effectively and keep your sanity as the priority.


Let some expectations go. It’s a sure fire way to keep stress down and reconnect with the people that are important to you. Put a different gift under the tree this year..try giving each other some slack this holiday season. When you give the gift of choices, you receive the gift of liberty.

What we have here is a failure to communicate

Watching a rerun Dallas the other night was like watching a train wreck…you knew what was going to happen but you couldn’t help but watch.


Scenario: John Ross is brutally attacked in prison and could go back to jail and be killed if someone doesn’t do “something”. The family is at the hospital and all say that he can’t go back to prison and all agree that something has to be done. BUT that’s where the problem starts.

Uncle Bobby decides to do the forbidden and drill on Southfork to get the oil, to pay the gangsters. Mama Sue Ellen decides to bribe a medical Examiner to remove the evidence that got John Ross in jail in the 1st place and Cousin Christopher decides to give away rights to his project to the gangsters in exchange for his cousins’ freedom and evidence that could clear him. All of these are noble attempts at relieving the issue. However, they create an even bigger problem by having the failure to communicate. Noone is telling anyone what they have planned and what they are doing.

Everyone was off doing what was right in his own eyes and someone ended up doing what wasn’t necessary because the problem had been resolved by another method. John Ross is free but it came at a BIG unnecessary price.

The failure to communicate is not just a plot line on a TV series…is happening everyday with most families. Stepfamilies are no exception and because of the unique dynamics are more susceptible. The Husband and Wife of such a family can really take a hit if they fail to inform, express, share and expound on what is important and be able to work together to be certain that they are not doing the unnecessary.

Example, my husband planned an open house for his son at the last minute. He didn’t really include me on the plans to get it done and I found out almost like everyone else, a week or so before and on the phone. To his credit, we have a lot going on and he didn’t want to burden me. However, planning, hosting and organization are not his strong suit. So although he reeled me in at the end to handle some last minute details and it turned out ok, it was not nearly as smooth as it could have been had we worked together.

Another example in the reverse is the remodeling we are having done in the kitchen. We had our kitchen gutted out and had to plan and choose every aspect of the new kitchen. We had to choose the floor, the paint, the countertop, the cabinets, the backsplash, the lighting, ceiling fan, the handles and on and on. We picked out everything together and in full agreement. One of my husband’s kids even complimented us how we are doing this together. She noticed that we weren’t bickering, fighting, complaining, demanding or making decisions without the other. It’s going noticeably smooth because we are working together.

Work diligently at communication; “Over” share if you have to. Your spouse needs to be in the loop at the onset of ALL of your plans not as an after thought. Trust me, the children are watching and you are teaching communication skills whether you realize it or not.

What is The State of YOUR Union?

A few nights ago the President gave his State of the Union speech. As most presidents have before him, the speech is a collective annual report of not only the successes of his time in office thus far but it also set the tone and direction for the rest of the year. It usually covers the economic status of the nation, along with the cultural temperament and mood of the constituents and the foreign affairs of our nation.

Before ending the speech, the President gives direction as to where the nation is heading and encourages (or admonishes) with a planned strategy for accomplishing the agenda he has set for the year. The goal is after hearing the report, the nation should have a better idea as to the “state” or condition of the union.

In Marriage, you have to take time at least annually to assess where you are, where you are going and how you are going to get there. You need to retreat to discuss your economic condition, the temperament of the home and what things you are doing outside of the home (“foreign affairs”). You need to know the “State of YOUR union”.

What types of things are you doing to make sure that your union isn’t suffering or being neglected? Could you really sit down right now and give an honest assessment as to where you two are and where you are going? Are you clear as to what the goals are for you as a couple this year (not your family goals, your kids goals, your churches goals, your jobs goals…). Your state of the union directives’ for the year has to be couple (UNION) focused only. The other goals are important, but they are secondary and in some cases tertiary to what you two need to work on as a union. Your union goals may look like:

1. We work on our communication skills by not interrupting each other; spend time daily talking to each other at least 30 minutes (collectively), and not shutting down when the conversation gets difficult.
2. We will plan a quarterly getaway (overnight optional) and one full vacation for us. While away we will not discuss, kids, money, church or family…just us, the Lord and his vision for our marriage.
3. We will not take on any outside commitments (outside of work & home) at church, in the community or with extended family without full understanding of what is required and clearance from the other spouse.

Being a product of corporate America, I handle things corporately. If my hubby isn’t watchful I will have an agenda, powerpoint presentation and handouts when we sit down to talk. But I have learned now to relax and just lay across the bed and go over our goals and issues I may have with understanding where we are. During Valentine’s Day weekend we are scheduled to go on a retreat. A few days to just see where my husband’s head is about us and what’s on his heart about what we as a couple are assigned to do is priceless and worth way more than roses and chocolate. What’s the state of YOUR union? Instead of a dinner this Valentine’s Day...set up a meeting and get your nation under the groove .

System Shutdown

John and I have never really had an all out war argument. At least not the type I am accustomed to. However, we have had some severe disagreements about some major issues. Usually right before it spirals out of control or when it appears as if no solution is evident, something happens on my end. Its called the "shutdown". I just stop. I stop talking, I stop thinking, I stop manuevering, I stop internalizing, I just stop. Just like a computer, any work in progress will be lost. I won't want to bring it up again. John usually doesn't notice the shutdown right away because it is subtle and unannounced and he is usually talking or finishing his point and its happened and it slips right pass him.

The shutdown has probably prevented many of our discussions from escalating into arguments. Sometimes I just don't have the energy to discuss the same thing over and over again and since there are 178 other things on my list to contend with right now, I will just drop it and in mind move on to the next thing. But the down side is that it also prevent many issues from being settled and dealt with. Once I stop communicating, that's it. Discussion over, whatever you want- fine, I'm done with it. So, all of these unresolved issues just broil internally, constantly over and over again and nothing gets moved to the next level.

Well, somewhere in there it got noticed and John and I decided that we would work on it. It falls under our communication pillar of the relationship, but the strategy we use to work through this will give us a blueprint as to how to ( and how to not) handle future issues. What was interesting is the way John approached it. He asked me "what is it that I do that causes you to shut down?". I found that to be very comforting, why? Well, because even though it is I that does the "shutting down", he took joint ownership and repsonsibility of the issue. He didn't shove the problem in my lap and say "just fix...that thing you do."

In Blended families like it or love it problems in his family is a problem in your family. An issue with his kids, means an issue for you. A problem with your mom is a problem for him. The joys are shared but so are the problems. The shutdown issue is still a problem (hey we've only been on it two weeks, give us a break:-) But somehow it doesn't seem as hopeless as it once did, all because my husband turned the situation inward to correct himself first.

What things do you need to correct in you first? What problems are coming up over and over again that you know you play a role in that you don't want to deal with? Start inward and let your spouse know it (No matter who started it). You will gain a new respect from them and break down another layer of the barrier to your oneness.