Who asks questions like THAT??

Almost six years ago in Dunkin Donuts parking lot with a beautiful Princess Cut Diamond and White Gold Ring, His Highness asked me a hard question….”Will you Marry Me”…??  It’s obvious I said yes, and after knowing him almost 10 years..this week marks our 5^th Anniversary.  Hard and or sensitive questions are status quo for us now.  It’s a part of who we are as a couple, why?  Because we care enough to cause a little hurt in feelings, for a greater healing in spirit.

So this year’s hard question from me to him was…..

“What about this marriage so far has disappointed you?”

Who asks questions like that?  ME that’s who.  Why?  Because more than I want to have the silly immature illusion that I am a perfect, seamless, wonderful, amazing, faultless, virtuous wife…I want to always operate in truth, even if the truth sucks. 

The bible says that houses and wealth you get from your folks…but a prudent wife is from the Lord.

I love the very first part of the definition of prudent…“having good sense”.  A wife with good sense can asks the hard questions knowing that an atmosphere of phoniness is the breeding ground for failure. I know it’s hard to believe people…but “everything ain’t been wonderful”.  You have to know and operate in truth so that you can do what is necessary in your character to build an environment in your marriage conducive for your spouse to grow and be nurtured in.  

Its sad to see marriages that look “wonderful” on the outside, but when you peel back some layers..wives are afraid of damaging their spouses esteem so they won’t tell him that their temperament, ego or pride is causing a great divide in the house.  Husbands won’t tell their wives, afraid of offending them, that it embarrasses him when she isn’t dressed appropriately or acts loud and brash in public. It isn’t easy, but I will always ask the hard questions and make sure that I keep my ego and pride in check so when my husband has to ask me a hard question, there is grace available to think, not be offended or worry to cause offense and to answer in truth.

Marriages and families (blended or otherwise) cannot grow effectively without having these crucial conversations. If you haven’t had a conversation like this and you have been married over a year..you have some catching up to do.  Don’t let your marriage go on for 7, 10, 20 years without knowing what the little foxes are that have the potential to spoil your vine. Care enough…love enough.. to ask the hard questions.

Flying a little lower

Our SuperCape is ripped. We have been together almost three years now. We had some bumps and bruises when we first started but mostly they were from people outside of our home and we eventually sailed through it. But in just the 1st 6 months of this year the flaws, cracks and crevices have begun to come out of hiding and if you aren’t careful, when this happens (and it happens to almost EVERY stepfamily from what I studied) you can easily be overwhelmed.

We’ve got school issues, suspensions, bad grades and the like. We’ve got promiscuity issues and as a result new babies came, are here and are coming. We’ve got self esteem issues and we see desperation for attention in extremely unfruitful ways. There are diligence problems and anger issues and truth is you name it…we have dealt with it…are dealing it…or perhaps will deal it.

Mind you…that’s just the kids stuff..I haven’t shared with you my own struggles and things that John may be facing or working through. This blog entry would be too long.

Now it hasn’t all been rain..we have had some sunshine this year as well. We have had a college graduation and the announcement of two weddings. We got some awesome new furniture after three years of looking . We were proud parents/stepparent of two national band competition winners. One has managed a successful run in a student play. We have had two kids with major repair surgeries and both came out ok, with no alarm or issues.

Somehow, through it all we do not feel beleaguered or under siege. We just recognize that our Superfamily cape has rips and rips are ok...KEEP FLYING..just fly a little lower until you get the pieces back together.. We strongly believe that what we are facing is not just for us, but for other families who may be ashamed to admit to problems that they are facing and not know what to do. There has to be someone who has ridden a storm in order for others to see them and have hope. Willing or not, God chose us to ride ahead of others that are coming and stand on the rock like a lighthouse so others know that they can make it to the other side. A picture of a lighthouse is on our family mission statement and now more than ever God is calling us to be true to what we confessed our purpose to be!

What had happened was....

Usually, when someone starts a sentence off like this (my title), what's to follow isn't always what I want to hear. Besides the fact that's its horrible grammar, that statement "what had happened was..." usually indicates that this story may be fabricated or at the least exaggerated to the favor of the person telling the story. Well, that's not true in my case. I couldn't make up a story like this one on my BEST writer fiction moments. (insert announcer voice here) The story you are about to hear is true. The characters you will meet in these pages are actual people, not actors. Well, they are actors...kinda dramatic, over the top actors, if you want to know the truth. But their situations are real and so are the days of lives....(insert dramatic serial music here). But just like the lighthouse in this picture shines and gives direction in chaos, I pray that our lives give families hope. Hope that after the storm, life (and sometimes a GREAT life) moves on.

It all began back in 1996 when my divorce was finalized. Well, maybe before then, but I'll save that for the book, or the TV show. But anyway, I stood in an old court room with about 4 people in it including the judge. It was a stark contrast to the wedding I had 10 years prior. There were people everywhere, cheering me on, bearing gifts and eating that awesome honey baked ham. BAMN! The judge banged the gavel and pronounced me instead of "man and wife" something that sounded in my head like "severed". As in, cut away from your previous spouse with a rusty, ancient chainsaw. I am sure he said something politically correct like "marriage dissolved" or "legally divorced". But my heart heard severed and the jagged edges left by the sad ending to my marriage were bleeding profusely and it wasn't likely to me that I was going to survive. But with my children waiting on me to pick them up from school I had a purpose, be it ever so slight, to keep my head above water. For the next four years, I experienced some of the most horrendous hard times of my life. Battling dysfuctional relationships, watching my previous church home split apart, working two jobs, going to school, taking care of my kids and making extremely hard choices that I wouldn't wish on anyone. Truth of the matter is, old folks used to say "my soul looks back and wonders how I got over"...well I get it now... I understand why they would shake their heads in disbelief at the trials and tribulations that they overcame through the grace of God. As I type this and begin to reflect on specific days, times, issues, problems, disasters, I shake my head now and MY soul looks back and wonders...how I got over. I am glad I know the answer to that. If I hadn't lasted long enough to find out the how's and why's...this story would get pretty boring and sad right about now.