Who asks questions like THAT??

Almost six years ago in Dunkin Donuts parking lot with a beautiful Princess Cut Diamond and White Gold Ring, His Highness asked me a hard question….”Will you Marry Me”…??  It’s obvious I said yes, and after knowing him almost 10 years..this week marks our 5^th Anniversary.  Hard and or sensitive questions are status quo for us now.  It’s a part of who we are as a couple, why?  Because we care enough to cause a little hurt in feelings, for a greater healing in spirit.

So this year’s hard question from me to him was…..

“What about this marriage so far has disappointed you?”

Who asks questions like that?  ME that’s who.  Why?  Because more than I want to have the silly immature illusion that I am a perfect, seamless, wonderful, amazing, faultless, virtuous wife…I want to always operate in truth, even if the truth sucks. 

The bible says that houses and wealth you get from your folks…but a prudent wife is from the Lord.

I love the very first part of the definition of prudent…“having good sense”.  A wife with good sense can asks the hard questions knowing that an atmosphere of phoniness is the breeding ground for failure. I know it’s hard to believe people…but “everything ain’t been wonderful”.  You have to know and operate in truth so that you can do what is necessary in your character to build an environment in your marriage conducive for your spouse to grow and be nurtured in.  

Its sad to see marriages that look “wonderful” on the outside, but when you peel back some layers..wives are afraid of damaging their spouses esteem so they won’t tell him that their temperament, ego or pride is causing a great divide in the house.  Husbands won’t tell their wives, afraid of offending them, that it embarrasses him when she isn’t dressed appropriately or acts loud and brash in public. It isn’t easy, but I will always ask the hard questions and make sure that I keep my ego and pride in check so when my husband has to ask me a hard question, there is grace available to think, not be offended or worry to cause offense and to answer in truth.

Marriages and families (blended or otherwise) cannot grow effectively without having these crucial conversations. If you haven’t had a conversation like this and you have been married over a year..you have some catching up to do.  Don’t let your marriage go on for 7, 10, 20 years without knowing what the little foxes are that have the potential to spoil your vine. Care enough…love enough.. to ask the hard questions.

Once Upon a Time...that face...that feeling..

The King and His Daughter Snow...

Last night I watched a show called Once Upon a Time and as the title indicates…it’s about fairytales..sort of.  Yesterday’s episode showed a scene that looked painfully familiar.  As I watched it unfold, that icky feeling you get in the pit of your stomach where you see a train getting ready to hit the brick wall, and you know you’re gonna get hit with the residue, but you stand there and watch anyway….and then you bleed and vomit…yeah it was THAT feeling.

 Scene: In a flash back.. a King in a formal setting at the palace..big dinner event, all of the people in the land are there.  He has remarried Queen Regina (who is now known as the villain of the show) and yet Regina sits alone at a table in the background. Snow White takes centered stage in the throne area with her father, the King as he gushes over her and tells her and everyone present how wonderful she is and how beautiful she is and how much she reminds her of her mother as she was the fairest in all the land…the camera pans to his new wife Regina, sitting out of the scene... and in that one quick moment when I saw her face, I knew that that actress deserved an Oscar.WHY??  I KNOW that face. I’ve made that face. I know "that" feeling.

Queen Regina

 Contrary to popular belief or misconception, it’s not the feeling of jealousy....look at it...its heartbreak...its a yearning for more.  The stepmother (as the Evil Queen evolves to be) is not “wicked” in this scene as she is labeled later.  This feeling is that daunting consistent realization that he may have married you…but you are not “her” and no matter what you do, no matter what you say, no matter how many hoops you jump through, no matter how awesome you really truly are..you will probably never hear your husband say that you are “indeed the greatest thing that has ever happened to me…the fairest in all the land..” if you will.  If he does, it will be in a private moment, with no one around, or with a disclaimer, or with him constantly looking over his shoulder to make sure that no one heard him, or without some “explaining” to do later…neither of which compare with an abandoned declaration, security and assurance that every wife wants settled in her heart. If a wife tells you differently, she's probably lying.  The Bible says that our desire is to our husbands, that's in biblical order to crave that. To not have that in totality and not become bitter, vindictive or cold and STILL trust God in your marriage takes an overwhelming amount of grace. 

Needless to say that the character.. "Regina" is a tad short on grace and ends up in all kind of foolishness all because she did not know what to do and had noone to turn to when her husband screwed up his priorities, disregarded her and her needs. The King is caught between a rock and a hard place, with a deceased wife he wants to always honor and the child he had with her...but its at the expense of the new wife he claims he loves…what would YOU do? There are no two "best". One is and one isn't, it requires a choice.

 Second wives, especially those married to a former widower NEED grace.  There are some things that you are going to have to settle in your heart for yourself and be ok with. Don't fall into the trap of bitterness.  God will and can fill in the blanks, I guarantee it! It is NOT easy; I don’t think it would have been given to me if it were easy. God entrusts me with the hard stuff. Some days are harder than others and sometimes you want to cry and retreat, find another way to be happy rather than explain yourself, once again.  But I know a God who is available to us.  He is a GREAT companion.  He is a very present help in the time of trouble.  Call him, he has NO problem declaring his love for you and shouting out to the world through his blessings…that, that one is MINE…I love her completely, there is no one like her and no one can take ever take her place, her design is unique and she is the best to do what Ihave called her to do….She is fearfully and wonderfully made…she is and will always be my number 1.

What is The State of YOUR Union?

A few nights ago the President gave his State of the Union speech. As most presidents have before him, the speech is a collective annual report of not only the successes of his time in office thus far but it also set the tone and direction for the rest of the year. It usually covers the economic status of the nation, along with the cultural temperament and mood of the constituents and the foreign affairs of our nation.

Before ending the speech, the President gives direction as to where the nation is heading and encourages (or admonishes) with a planned strategy for accomplishing the agenda he has set for the year. The goal is after hearing the report, the nation should have a better idea as to the “state” or condition of the union.

In Marriage, you have to take time at least annually to assess where you are, where you are going and how you are going to get there. You need to retreat to discuss your economic condition, the temperament of the home and what things you are doing outside of the home (“foreign affairs”). You need to know the “State of YOUR union”.

What types of things are you doing to make sure that your union isn’t suffering or being neglected? Could you really sit down right now and give an honest assessment as to where you two are and where you are going? Are you clear as to what the goals are for you as a couple this year (not your family goals, your kids goals, your churches goals, your jobs goals…). Your state of the union directives’ for the year has to be couple (UNION) focused only. The other goals are important, but they are secondary and in some cases tertiary to what you two need to work on as a union. Your union goals may look like:

1. We work on our communication skills by not interrupting each other; spend time daily talking to each other at least 30 minutes (collectively), and not shutting down when the conversation gets difficult.
2. We will plan a quarterly getaway (overnight optional) and one full vacation for us. While away we will not discuss, kids, money, church or family…just us, the Lord and his vision for our marriage.
3. We will not take on any outside commitments (outside of work & home) at church, in the community or with extended family without full understanding of what is required and clearance from the other spouse.

Being a product of corporate America, I handle things corporately. If my hubby isn’t watchful I will have an agenda, powerpoint presentation and handouts when we sit down to talk. But I have learned now to relax and just lay across the bed and go over our goals and issues I may have with understanding where we are. During Valentine’s Day weekend we are scheduled to go on a retreat. A few days to just see where my husband’s head is about us and what’s on his heart about what we as a couple are assigned to do is priceless and worth way more than roses and chocolate. What’s the state of YOUR union? Instead of a dinner this Valentine’s Day...set up a meeting and get your nation under the groove .