Keep The Main Thing...the main thing: Lessons in prioritizing

This actually happened a few years back, but in reading it in my book again, I thought to share it again here...

My sister and I were talking and sharing our woes about over committing ourselves and trying to fulfill the expectations of others yet, our to-do list got longer. We shared about how we found ourselves making poor choices so we wouldn’t let down “important” people that counted on us, but noticeably at the expense of the people that truly mattered. 

For example, I had spent a week before an awesome trip to Cancun taking my daughter back and forth to auditions and call-backs for movie. She didn’t land the lead role, but she did get a great supporting role and taping was an all day marathon session scheduled for the day after I returned. I was responsible for her costume, hair, makeup, and transportation. I was so incredibly exhausted on the day of taping, I actually thought of what excuse I could come up with to not take her. I know…BAD MOMMY! I agree it was horrible, after the fact I couldn’t believe that I even thought it. 

Why? Because I know that if other issues came up that may have had nothing to do with family, for example if it were for the church, or my job, I would have dragged my tired self wherever it needed to be to help with the crisis for people who actually may not have noticed, appreciated or cared about the sacrifice. I made the right choice. I put the time into my daughter and I am so glad I didn't miss the opportunity to see her shine. I was utterly wiped out, but her energy and appreciation rejuvenated me and yet made me ashamed.


Since when has the smile of a child taken a back seat to the half-hearted kudos of a boss? When did it become ok to spend all afternoon in church, because it’s “church”, even though your wife really needs you at home. Why does the phone call of a manager or leader evoke an immediate response when your spouses’s call rings at an annoyance to you? Where is the same diligence that you spend grandstanding and campaigning for the dreams of other people when it comes time to move forward in what you should be doing for yourself and your family? 

In the last quarter of this year... RE PRIORITIZE..Its time to make the main thing...the main thing.

Authentic Assessment of EPIC FAILS

During this time of reflection we get caught up in the laundry list of everything that was absolutely wonderful about the year…eh..nice, feel goodish..cool for a "swell your chest up" look what I did moment, but without balance its' ineffective at real personal growth. 2012 is a year of divine order so pat yourself on the back if you must, but balance it with truth about what really didn’t go well, so you can be ready.

Me? I have had MAJOR EPIC FAILS this year.  Things, projects, people that I wasted time energy and resources on that should have been handled differently.  Other things that I should have devoted more time to that I threw by the wayside. I could have done more, way more.  For instance…..

I did a theater production this year..it was almost a 2 month run, it was good! But there were many auditions I turned down, and I shouldn’t have. I turned down teaching a girls group class because I thought I should be doing something else.  I shouldn’t have-FAIL. (Lesson: things that I enjoy and can do now that my children are older, should not be sacrificed out of fear, guilt for people that don’t notice or things that don’t matter..My God given gifts will no longer be unemployed)

 This year I had to admit that a project that I gave much energy into has yielded very poor results and I kept pouring more energy into it-FAIL (Lesson: Make honest assessments earlier in the game.  When something reveals itself as a dead end..you should believe it.  There are other doors, and God’s promise is that he will open up a window.  Look for opportunities everywhere and outside of the box that others put you in.  Quit wasting time spinning in circles with intimidation-look for confidence and sow into it.)

Yes, I took my daughter to Chicago and to see Wicked as promised….but what about all the weekend trips to the mall, movies and lunch at our favorite place that have been canceled..not so good. Or her last band performance of the year that I missed to race across town to help someone who really didn’t need my help after all. EPIC FAIL-ooooThis one still burns me up...I digress (Lesson: Family first period.  This was me and my husband’s consistent confession since 2007 and we’re going back to it.  Everything and everyone else, simply secondary.)

Nope, this isn’t as fun as ooo I got a new car or a new job this year! But whatever.. my car is good..but it won’t get me to the next level.  Its only by being honest with me, God and everyone around me that I can truly grow.  I can do this all night…gotta a list of about 16 so far.   I care enough about my kingdom assignments (ministry, books, teaching, training), my husband, my kids and my friends to do this so I can be a better ME. Take time this weekend and make a true assessment. Ask your friends…no, not the ego strokers- I mean the straight up ones that know you, that you trust and that trust you..that will say frankly..”you suck at this, this and this and you need to do better. Listen, really listen, pray and work on a strategy to change.  Let’s put 2012 in divine order starting with YOU.

Strategy...plan....list ...HOW??  Stay tuned for the Superfamily's final blog post of the year on tomorrow along with an exciting announcement!!

Reposition Yourself...

The GPS on my phone is pretty helpful. You know the drill, you punch in where you want to go, and the smooth voice tells you which way to get there. They tell you every turn, calculate traffic, distance, barriers and upcoming freeways. All goes well until you do something that the “voice’ did not tell you to do.

You know how it is…we see a familiar street and say…Oh, I can go this way…or traffic looks heavy and you decide to turn off on an exit instead of being patient and waiting. Then the GPS goes into overdrive..it begins to yell at you “You are off course”, Incorrect turn, Incorrect turn. At first it tries to tell you to make a few turns to get you back on the road you were on. However, after you get so far out, you will hear nothing while it “thinks” of what to do with you next. Then after it loads back up you hear recalculating route…meaning the GPS sees that you are WAY off track and is now trying to find the best route based on where you are and where you still say you are going.

Usually that route is longer and more complex than if you had stayed on the initial path to begin with. You will still get where you are going but it will take longer and probably be a little more frustrating than if you had just stayed on the path.

I have spent the end of last year and the beginning of 2011 getting back on the right route. Sometimes you can get so caught up with the projects, dreams, responsibilities and visions of other people that all of a sudden you look up and everything you are supposed to be doing is taking a back seat, Not gonna work.

In a family our size its easy to get lost in my husband's projects, fitness, rehearsal schedules, responsibilities or my daughters camp activties, school/homework, hanging with the Grandkids, housework, work and projects for my employer, and Junior League & Church is another life of its own. But in the hustle and bustle of all of that am I excused from what I am supposed to be doing? Nope. God fully expects me to use what I have to get it done. I am equipped with what I need to do it..and if I choose to do 50 million other things too...thats on me, but I still have a responsibility to my assignment.

So my GPS was off a little...but I'm back on track.. my husband, the Superfamily and the assignments that I have been given from God are my priority. Everything else is secondary and hopefully I will make fewer "incorrect turns" in 2011.

Four Christmases

There is a movie out now called "Four Christmases". The premise of the movie is that there is a couple that has parents that are divorced and they collectively are a part of four "step" families. The goal was to always be "busy" during the holidays so they wouldn't have to wade through trying to see everyone, every holiday. This year, the vacation getaway plans get canceled and they have to make an effort to be everything to everybody that's important to them. I haven't seen the movie but we can relate. Being in a Superfamily, we actively deal with at least 3-4 families every holiday not including our own household. First of all, there is my family. That includes mama and em', daddy, my sisters, brothers, in laws, nieces and nephews. Then there is John's family, he has a brother, two sisters, nieces, nephews and in laws. Then there is John's kids family (his former wife's relatives) which include their grandmother, aunts, uncles and cousins. Then John's oldest son has his own family which includes his children and wife.

So you figure it out...who do you go see first? Who do you say no too? What happens when it is your turn to host on "your side" of the family but your spouse's sister turn on the other side. Or a scenario could be-your kids are pulling you to see their mother's family which of course cannot include your current spouse and her side of the family. So, to take them means leaving them and their children behind and spending time with your former family, when you really have a new set of in-laws that you need to get to know. UGH, all you really want is to get back into bed with your husband or wife, eat a TV dinner and some popcorn and forget everyone else. Its enough to bring you to heap of frustrated tears, if you allow it. You stretch yourself so thin and in the end without fail someone is left disappointed-usually you. Trust us, real "stepfamily" life is a far cry from the what was displayed on the Brady Bunch. There is no Alice to help clean up messes and NOTHING gets solved in 22 minutes plus commercials.

For example, Thanksgiving this year was over my brother's house (on my side of the family). John's side did not have any concrete plans. He decided to go to his son's house to take his children to visit and visit with my family later. To which I said NO. Really, I did. I said that because I don't want him running all over the place trying to make everyone happy. I said if you are going to be with your son, just be there and I will see you later. Me and my kids would be fine, we would miss the other side of the Superfamily but we would still have a great time with mama and em' and catch them back at the house. Unfortunately for John, his plans did not go as orchestrated and he ended up over his son's house for the entire holiday. He felt bad about not being with me (as well he should have, because I am the bomb:-). But I was fine, I missed sharing a new memory with him, but we had an absolute blast, much too much food and hated to leave. My family was already are talking about the next time we will all get together. Everyone that was suppose to be there was there. That's how God does things.

But if it were in the reverse, Honestly, I would probably have felt just like John. Feeling.... just like my super cape had a hole in it and I fell instead of "flew". He and I worked through what he was feeling and I reiterated why I did all I could to relieve any expectations or pressures in that area. I never want him to feel like that again. However, we are complex and everyday we face new awkward complexities. Sacrifice and disappointment are inevitable, but how you deal with it can make the difference. We're learning.........

Our holiday advice for stepfamilies:

1. PLAN ahead. Do not wait until the week of, or day of and think that you can manage a complex family situation-it won't work. Communicate your plan ahead of time and listen to (and consider) your spouse's suggestion about your plans.


2. Learn to say NO. Sometimes to your kids, sometimes to your family, sometimes to your job, church, neighborhood or club. You cannot do everything, get over it and let other people know they need to get over it too.


3. Understand and accept that this is your life now. It will only get more complex from here. Wait until our children begin to marry and have children of their own. They will have to visit other family members as well as us, mama and em' etc.. Accept where you are so you can plan effectively for where you are headed.


4. Enjoy where you are, wherever you are. I would have possibly ruined Thanksgiving for me, my family and my kids if all I did was worry about if John was coming or if I constantly called him, bugged him, wondering where he was or if they were going to make it. Instead, I put my phone in my purse, ate two plates, made punch, ate dessert with my nephew, played a hilarious charade game with the whole family and let the chips fall where they may. I assume that John and his family had a good time together as well.


5. Protect yourself. If one and/or both of you has crazy or insensitive family members that you don't want to be around (and everybody has them :-), set up a signal or a time limit ahead of time as to how long they can stay or how long you will be there. Also, never ruin or sacrifice your holiday by being someplace more than 30 minutes where you are likely to be dishonored, ignored or inundated with an abundance of memories, paraphenalia or consistant reminders of your spouse's former married life. Unless you have the tenacity of a bull and you know your spouse will protect your heart from people who don't understand or don't know any better, its a set up for heartbreak. Don't do it. Stop by if you must, keep the car running, be polite, wave from the door, send a pie, but don't subject yourself to any foolishness both of you and your family deserve better.


6. Don't give ultimatums. Why not? Because its stupid, as ultimatums usually are. I tried a psuedo ultimatum with John unwittingly once and I lost. I will never, ever do that again. Don't try and force someone else to make a decision. You present the issue and share with them the decision that you have to make that's best for you and drop it. In this case-no demands, you are going to have to spread the love around and share her/him, so suck it up. They had family when you met them and they will have family when you leave. So, instead of being jealous, mean , standoffish or possessive, be grateful that they have family that love them and that they have the heart capacity to love others and still have a special love for you and your kids. Send them on their way and have a great time yourself.


7. Carve out time with just the two of you during the season to reflect on the year and dream for next year. Last year John and I did a breakfast on Christmas Eve at a restuarant and it was great to slow down from the hustle and bustle and enjoy him. Try it...

Juggling

I am always working on 3-4 things at a time. For example, I am reading two books, writing 3 books, publishing our family newsletter and working on material for this blog. I think that I have a new superfamily post ready, but in the meantime I would love for you to read an excerpt of a book that I am fiddlin' with. It is a life management type book and it covers prioritizing, refocusing and cutting off dependence and loyalty to things and people not crucial to your destiny. Let me know what you think. Be kind :-), its a rough draft........

“I am campaigning for myself for awhile…” This statement captured my attention and diverted my thought process for the days and weeks that followed.

It had begun as typical office fodder and spirited discussions among co-workers on our economy, the mortgage crises, gas prices and finally politics. It was not uncommon for one, if not all of us to be a part of the political process in some form or fashion. It could be petitions, attending meetings, researching candidates, reviewing news reports, or sending donations. All of us were advocates of not allowing things to just happen. We believed in being a part of the process to help bring about the outcome you desire. So, when Ilinda said that she “wasn’t really going to be involved in the presidential election”. The nature of this group wasn’t to just say “oh, ok". We prodded; we probed and questioned ourselves into an impromptu lecture on the importance of involvement and having your voice heard in the political process.

After we climbed off of our “social responsibility” soap box’, Ilinda softly explained that there were things she needed to do to work on her career that needed her attention. She reminded us that she has two young boys and a husband that needed her time. She stated that she was working on “her” life strategy now, not just helping to fulfill somebody else’s. She was not being selfish or standoffish. She even mentioned sending a donation to the candidate of her choice thus letting her money work as a voice for her. But her more valuable resources, her time, her energy, her thoughts and her presence had to be focused differently. She was her own campaign manager, strategist and PR consistently operating in the position of CEO of Ilinda, Inc”.

My sister and I were talking and sharing our woes about over committing ourselves and trying to fulfill the expectations of others while our to-do list got longer. We shared about how we found ourselves making poor choices so we wouldn’t let down “important” people that counted on us, but noticeably at the expense of the people that truly mattered. For example, I had spent a week before a trip to Cancun taking my daughter back and forth to auditions and call-backs for movie. She didn’t land the lead role, but she did get a great supporting role and taping was an all day marathon session scheduled for the day after I returned. I was responsible for her costume, hair, makeup, and transportation. I was so incredibly exhausted on the day of taping, I actually thought of what excuse I could come up with to not take her. I know…BAD MOMMY! I agree it was horrible, after the fact I couldn’t believe that I even thought it. Why? Because I know that if other issues came up that may have had nothing to do with family, for example my church, or my job, I would have dragged my tired self wherever it needed to be to help with the crisis for people who actually may not have noticed, appreciated or cared about the sacrifice. I made the right choice. I put the time into my daughter and I am so glad I didn’t miss the opportunity to see her shine. I was utterly wiped out, but her energy and appreciation rejuvenated me and yet made me ashamed.

Since when has the smile of a child taken a back seat to the half hearted kudos of a boss? When did it become ok to spend all afternoon in church, because it’s “church”, even though your wife needs you at home. Why does the phone call of a manager or leader evoke an immediate response when your husband’s call rings at an annoyance to you? Why do you know your company’s missions statement or your church’s vision, or your neighborhood block club goals and yet you have no idea what the mission, vision or goals are for your own life? Where is the same diligence that you spend grandstanding and campaigning for the dreams of other people when it comes time to move forward in what you should be doing for yourself and your family? Let’s face it, for some of us if our lives were a business we would be bankrupt. Or even a more chilling thought, if you were running for the office of “You”, you would lose.