Who asks questions like THAT??

Almost six years ago in Dunkin Donuts parking lot with a beautiful Princess Cut Diamond and White Gold Ring, His Highness asked me a hard question….”Will you Marry Me”…??  It’s obvious I said yes, and after knowing him almost 10 years..this week marks our 5^th Anniversary.  Hard and or sensitive questions are status quo for us now.  It’s a part of who we are as a couple, why?  Because we care enough to cause a little hurt in feelings, for a greater healing in spirit.

So this year’s hard question from me to him was…..

“What about this marriage so far has disappointed you?”

Who asks questions like that?  ME that’s who.  Why?  Because more than I want to have the silly immature illusion that I am a perfect, seamless, wonderful, amazing, faultless, virtuous wife…I want to always operate in truth, even if the truth sucks. 

The bible says that houses and wealth you get from your folks…but a prudent wife is from the Lord.

I love the very first part of the definition of prudent…“having good sense”.  A wife with good sense can asks the hard questions knowing that an atmosphere of phoniness is the breeding ground for failure. I know it’s hard to believe people…but “everything ain’t been wonderful”.  You have to know and operate in truth so that you can do what is necessary in your character to build an environment in your marriage conducive for your spouse to grow and be nurtured in.  

Its sad to see marriages that look “wonderful” on the outside, but when you peel back some layers..wives are afraid of damaging their spouses esteem so they won’t tell him that their temperament, ego or pride is causing a great divide in the house.  Husbands won’t tell their wives, afraid of offending them, that it embarrasses him when she isn’t dressed appropriately or acts loud and brash in public. It isn’t easy, but I will always ask the hard questions and make sure that I keep my ego and pride in check so when my husband has to ask me a hard question, there is grace available to think, not be offended or worry to cause offense and to answer in truth.

Marriages and families (blended or otherwise) cannot grow effectively without having these crucial conversations. If you haven’t had a conversation like this and you have been married over a year..you have some catching up to do.  Don’t let your marriage go on for 7, 10, 20 years without knowing what the little foxes are that have the potential to spoil your vine. Care enough…love enough.. to ask the hard questions.

Shut up and while you're at it- don't hit anyone in the neck with a bat!

“Son, Never miss an opportunity to Shut Up”….-JR Ewing, Dallas..

That is a classic line if I ever heard one.

Just Perfect! I was all set to write a post on instructing others on the biblical principal …Studying to be quiet. I brought up the word document to begin to type and then I get a phone call..and guess what I had to do. SHUT UP. No, I don’t mean simmer down, choose my words carefully or speak sparingly. I mean I had to SHUT UP and fast. Had I not, it would have been some smoke in the city and I would probably have spoken out of disappointment and anger and not have been reasonable. I am so glad that God authenticated the gravity of his Word just that quickly. It further confirms that I continue to share out of experience and NOT from what I heard or that I am mimicking from others.

What does this have to do with step families?? Nothing in this case, but EVERYTHING in general. I've said it before, people have a misconception that everyone gets thrown into a blender, you hit a button and out comes this wonderful blended family smoothie. Uh No. That’s not everyone’s story. More often than not, people although they love each other to a degree, are vying for attention, pushing to be the priority, to feel important, to make sure nothing is being “taken” from them…sometimes at the expense or disregard of others. With all that drama going on….sometimes (not all the time) its best to not miss the opportunity to shut up....pray, stand still and see the salvation of the Lord.  Don't get off center...and don't hit anyone in the neck with a bat (whatever, THAT's just good advice).

I Thessalonians 4:11 scripture says in the Message Bible “to make it your ambition to lead a quiet life: You should mind your own business and work with your hands.. Grandma said it all the time”baby...mind your own self business..”

I am so glad Dallas is back on..*I see you laughing, skip yall* laugh if you want to..but I learn something everytime I see it. Something about it..just makes me look for the layers..for the lesson…for the revelation and this past week..it was simple..in the words of the Rock..Know your role…and shut your mouth. Shhhhhhhh.




*pic courtesy of TNT

Put your big girl panties on and make grown folks decisions

During a conversation with a former co-worker of mine “Simone”, she said something that stuck with me all that week.  She said, Camille…I’m 40 something years old.. it was time to make some “grown-up” decisions.  She was sharing some of the things she was facing and how everyone was looking out for themselves and trying to diminish her voice in the process.  Eventually, when the rubber met the road Simone had to plant her feet, be confident in her value and do what was best for her regardless of what everyone else wanted.  Her grown up decision ended up paying in spades.  She got a new position, title change, wage increase, no additional stressors, doing exactly what she was already doing, without having to move out of her office and without settling for an escape to another position that would have been like going from the frying pan into the fryer. PRICELESS.

Flash forward to a conversation with my sister in law, Crystal.  She was telling me how she encouraged a young lady who had to deal with a death of a loved one.  The young lady “Leanne” had never really faced anything like this without having someone with her to lean on and being in her mid 20’s, hadn’t had too many instances where she had life altering moments.  Crys told her flatly…This right here is what women are made of…dealing with stuff like this is what separates the girls from the women…time to put your big girl panties on and deal with it.  Leanne did well…texting Crystal through the process telling her that her big girl panties were on and she was doing ok.  There was a point however that a message from her said that the “panties were out the window” and she had no idea where they were.  But in the end…Leanne made it through her life lesson and her capacity for dealing with “hard things” grew exponentially that day.

Being in a blended family or in life period, you can get so lost in the shuffle of making everyone happy that you make decisions that are for the good of everyone but YOU. Or you can find yourself faced with something hard and you want to ignore it, fall apart, whine or divvy the issue to someone else to deal with…I used to do that too and then I turned 11 and thought it was time to change. (Ok, more like 31…but eventually it happened)

The bible records Paul saying..When I was a child, I spoke and thought and reasoned as a child. But when I grew up, I put away childish things (NLT).  Some of us have decisions in our lives that need to be made-YESTERDAY. There are people that are sucking life from you that you need to cut off.  There are things happening in your home that you need to regulate and call to order. You have career decisions that need to be made and changes that need to occur.  There may be development in your character that needs to be addressed. You may be in a season of slothfulness…lazy and undisciplined.  Its time…past time to confront some things head on. Everyone can’t wear big girl panties…you have to be ready for the responsibility that comes with it.  There may be days like Leanne that you throw them out the window.  Have your private tantrum if you must, but eventually, slip the panties back on and continue to make daily decisions that move you toward the grown up you are called to be.

Adjusting the spiritual DNA...

We chose the Superman colors for obvious reasons...but of course I needed to study the colors and find out other meaning or insinuations that the colors represent.  I wanted to be certain that these colors on our crest reflect UP. These colors have now become a part of our spiritual DNA.

The colors Deep Red (Sanguine) stands for many things but we chose the blood of Christ.  His Highness wanted it expressed that we were a family that was blood bought.  We want our heirs to know that if it had not been for the shed blood of Jesus Christ, no remission of sin would be possible.

The Blue color (Sapphire) represents royalty, power, and authority. We believe that we are a chosen generation and a royal priesthood.  We want our children and our grandchildren and their grandchildren to know who they are and WHOSE they are. 

Lastly the GOLD (Aurum) symbolizes excellence, purity and wealth.  In other words, do what you do with all excellence as unto the Lord, keep your hands clean (do it with integrity and honesty) and be a generation that understands, studies and perpetrates wealth (not just riches).

 

The four POWER words for the Superfamily are “clockwise” Wisdom, Creativity, Insight and Prosperity.  The cycle or order is even symbolic. 

 Wisdom is the principal thing.  The Bible teaches that.  When you have sought the Wisdom of God in any area (family, business, ministry parenting…anything!!) you will need creativity to do what you do with distinction and excellence. Next is insight..in order to have continued success you must have insight (which is “CLEAR perception”) on how things are going. We want our family to always assess themselves…always be honest with where they are and how they can improve. With wisdom, creativity and insight working…prosperity (favor, wealth, influence, health) can be handled and shared with maturity…and then the cycle continues.

That in a nutshell is the meaning behind our crest...there is still the sword, the shield itself and the helmet which I am getting more information on as I study further.  I know what we want it to mean...but God is revealing SO much more...what an exciting journey...

Thanks for giving me these last few posts to publish this for my family.  I want this to always be available to them so they know who they are, what they can do and what has been spoken over them!

Starting next week...The Superfamily goes to the Holocaust Museum and family organization techniques that I used to set the tone for this year!

Blog Break-GET MOTIVATED

Yes, we are still covering the background for the Superfamily coat of arms this month, but I needed to share this after stumbling across some notes.

Going through my notebooks for 2011 I came across my notes from the “Get Motivated” Seminar I attended.  I don’t remember sharing them on my blog. I believe I initially thought…they were more business related versus family oriented.  But in reviewing them, some of the principles that govern stable businesses are relevant for families as well.  There is no corporation more strategic, valuable and intricate than a family.  The added dimension of the complexities of a blended family rival that of merging two major conglomerates!

 So review these nuggets with your family AND your business in mind.  I hope something is recorded in them that will help you build and develop your strategic plan for 2012!

1. During the time of change and disruption, seek and you will find opportunity.
2. Take on the tough assignments.
3. Be easy to manage, stay humble, meek and learn how to accept bad news.
4. It may take several attempts to achieve success.
5. Build your personal value and know what value add you bring to the table. [In nana's words you gotta be more than breath and britches]
6. People from the the 2^nd top country in this world wishes they were here with your opportunity.
7. Even if you win the rat race, you are still a rat. Keep the main thing, the main thing.
8. Work diligently to restore relationships.  The crime problem is directly related to the father-son problem.  This is why in the Jewish culture you find less of their young men in jail.  Fathers in their culture, verbally bless their children often.
9. “Why” is often more important than “how”.  Understand motive and any “how” will do.
10. What are you willing to do EVERY single day of your life?
11. Keep it simple.  Meet the customers’ need, make a profit. Business 101. 
12. If you finish last in medical school…you are still called doctor.  So don’t be discriminate and think just degreed individuals are the brightest bulb in the pack.  In 2010 93.9% of all billionaires in world never even finished college and if they did it wasnt until after they were wealthy.  Wisdom is the principal thing, you can learn from anyone.
13. W.I.N. “What’s Important Now”??
14. First we will be the best, and then we will be first.
15. Failure=succeeding at the wrong thing.

Lastly…raise your hand as high as you can (no, actually do it) …now raise it higher!  Why didn’t you do that at first??  Because we always hold “something” back.  Fear and vulnerability keeps us from always giving our best.  Conquer fear, be strong and courageous.  The worst that can happen is that you stay where you are...but what if you actually achieve...all...or maybe even 2 of the things that you are dreaming of.  Ok, put your hand down…and make your plans 2012! Its NOT too late to get motivated.

Who are we..and WHY??

For those that have followed us for awhile, you will note the new mast head with the Superfamily Coat of Arms/Crest in the corner.  His Highness and I worked diligently about every detail of the crest.  We decided on every color, every picture, every word, each symbol…everything.  What you see is a finished product of a lot of prayer, compromise and creativity..which in essence is what the Superfamily is about.  I am publishing this to give you a glimpse into what the crest is about and cause you to think of what your family represents.  More importantly, I want this be available to those in our family that come after us as a testament of what our ‘walk” should look like. 

To the 13 and beyond…now hear this and tell your children and those you choose to marry-we are NOT common, ordinary, run of mill people.  We are not like everyone else. Everywhere we go our presence dominates a room, not just because there’s a lot of us…but because there is a light that goes before us.  It’s in our laughter, our gestures, they way we look out for each other. Understand, you are not “better” than others per se’…you are simply anointed. Individually, we are unique and valuable; BUT together we are a dominating mighty force of wisdom, creativity, insight and prosperity.  Never take that for granted.

Now to the crest...The Superman “S” of course stands for our new "family" name.  When we combined in 2007, we were no longer just the Stephens, Jamerson’s or Anderson’s.  No one name encompassed everything and everybody fairly, so I asked God for a new name.  Along with our “super” size, it takes supernatural favor, wisdom, insight, and patience in order to manage and be a part of our family. I also felt I needed a cape in order to keep up with all of the demands that were dropped on us running a conglomerate called “family”.  So Superfamily…definitely fits.  We’ve got people that want to “apply” to be in our family, because of what they see on the surface.  However, we can tell you…it’s not for everyone.  There is an empowerment necessary to blend as a family successfully…we’ve been at it for years and aren’t “there” yet.

So let that be encouragement to those of you that are in complex families.  1.  Don’t allow anyone to tell you how long it should take to blend.  Noone knows- period.  Every family dynamic is different and blending successfully looks different depending on your point of reference.  2.  Also, look at your family characteristics, your talents, abilities and things that both families do well or your “opposites”…somewhere in there you may find the purpose for why God brought you together. 3. Look for ways to unite the family. It could be a crest, a picture, a tradition or a moniker that everyone knows. Where there is unity, there is strength.

Stay tuned  for what the colors stand for…and the #13!

Tribulation worketh patience…and both are annoying

The Superfamily is finally back into our house, but it’s still far from being our home. We still have boxes everywhere! We are going through the process of going through each box to determine what goes and what stays. I view this as a fresh start, a new beginning…a chance to rid ourselves of the old and look forward to the new. Ideally, this would be a good exceptthe process is painstaking. If this was just my home, over 80% of these boxes would not have made it back in the door from the restoration people. Why? If you haven’t seen it, worn it or use it in 2 years you don’t need it, chances are you are merely accumulating it with the fear that no more is coming. Fear is a horrible, inconsistent motivator. I've seen for years what the poverty mentality does to people and it’s sad. Remember, It doesn’t matter whether you have “money” or not, the mentality of being poor is worse than actually being poor. Message to others:  Learn to let things...GO.


That’s a difficult principle to teach especially in a blended family. Every piece of paper, all 4,954 photos, every other stitch of clothing reminds someone on one side or the other of what their life USED to be. In order for us to get to where I believe God is calling us, that can no longer be the focus or driving force behind every decision. A memory maybe…the focus…no. Whereas I have worked hard over the years to get to the place that the most important memories I have aren’t captured in a book or something material…they are captured in my heart and in my spirit…I learn daily that everyone hasn’t gotten there yet nor do they view it at the same level of importance.

So in the interim, I live in clutter and there MUST be extra grace being applied from God for me to deal with it, because people that know me “for real for real” know that this stuff (mine, his, hers, there's EVERYBODY's) would have been on the curb weeks ago and my house would have been cleaned, organized and decorated for Thanksgiving. What is this teaching me…patience? Well, Tribulation worketh patience…and BOTH are annoying. But I will need patience to become the multipreneur that I am working to be. I will need patience to edit my 2nd and 3rd book simultaneously. I will need patience to work on this TV pilot project. I will need patience to continue to go to work everyday and seek out new and  different things to learn. I will need patience to sow wisdom into my lil’ heirs. I will need patience with myself to forgive me when I screw up and when I don’t have enough patience with others. There is hope...in the very next verse that I reference above..patience brings experience (or character) and experience reaps hope! Character and hope are excellent fruit of learning how to wait...so I believe I'll just teach by example, sit still and wait right here....bouncing my leg up & down and tapping my fingers feverishly :).

What are you putting into your child's MEGAMIND...

What instructions are you giving to your children? Who are you telling them that they are or can become? You may not think your input is important, but it is. The recent family hit movie “MegaMind” does a great job of displaying this theory. In the very beginning the Main character “MegaMind” is being sent by his parents to earth to save him from his exploding planet. When his parents place him in his space tube, they begin to tell him his awesome destiny when the hatch closes prematurely and MegaMind doesn’t hear the whole thing. Fast Forward, he ends up being raised by prisoners, shunned by school mates and determines within himself that he is supposed to be a super villain.

Eventually he learns that he doesn’t “have” to be evil. He learned that he can make different choices. But not before demolishing most of the city, taking over city hall and destroying the citizens way of life.

How many paths of destruction will your child have to stumble down…and how many messes will he or she make before you tell them and convince them of who they are and what they can do? Don’t let the "hatch" close (lines of communication) without letting them know what they are wired to do. This means you have to know your child. You need to know their strengths, their weaknesses and the way that they learn and respond.

In stepfamilies, this is extremely important because in most cases you have at least two parents that are missing from the everyday lives of any children involved that were brought into the marriage. Your job as their parent is to make sure that you don’t abandon this dynamic of your role in your child’s life. You cannot focus so much on blending everything together that you disregard the unique gifts of your children that God charged you with explicitly to nurture and cultivate. You are equipped with a unique perspicacity for your child….regardless of how old they are. Use your gift and sow words of wisdom, power and direction into them as often as you can. Tell them the have the Mind of Christ...which is a MEGAmind indeed!

Reposition Yourself...

The GPS on my phone is pretty helpful. You know the drill, you punch in where you want to go, and the smooth voice tells you which way to get there. They tell you every turn, calculate traffic, distance, barriers and upcoming freeways. All goes well until you do something that the “voice’ did not tell you to do.

You know how it is…we see a familiar street and say…Oh, I can go this way…or traffic looks heavy and you decide to turn off on an exit instead of being patient and waiting. Then the GPS goes into overdrive..it begins to yell at you “You are off course”, Incorrect turn, Incorrect turn. At first it tries to tell you to make a few turns to get you back on the road you were on. However, after you get so far out, you will hear nothing while it “thinks” of what to do with you next. Then after it loads back up you hear recalculating route…meaning the GPS sees that you are WAY off track and is now trying to find the best route based on where you are and where you still say you are going.

Usually that route is longer and more complex than if you had stayed on the initial path to begin with. You will still get where you are going but it will take longer and probably be a little more frustrating than if you had just stayed on the path.

I have spent the end of last year and the beginning of 2011 getting back on the right route. Sometimes you can get so caught up with the projects, dreams, responsibilities and visions of other people that all of a sudden you look up and everything you are supposed to be doing is taking a back seat, Not gonna work.

In a family our size its easy to get lost in my husband's projects, fitness, rehearsal schedules, responsibilities or my daughters camp activties, school/homework, hanging with the Grandkids, housework, work and projects for my employer, and Junior League & Church is another life of its own. But in the hustle and bustle of all of that am I excused from what I am supposed to be doing? Nope. God fully expects me to use what I have to get it done. I am equipped with what I need to do it..and if I choose to do 50 million other things too...thats on me, but I still have a responsibility to my assignment.

So my GPS was off a little...but I'm back on track.. my husband, the Superfamily and the assignments that I have been given from God are my priority. Everything else is secondary and hopefully I will make fewer "incorrect turns" in 2011.

Its half time...time to huddle up!

Our point of reference for "half time" drifts to a sports game...and halfway through the game all play stops, the team comes off the field and goes into the locker room. Most players change clothes, shoes, take a quick shower. Some may grab something to drink or eat to keep their energy up. But after all of the initial commotion stops..its time for the coach to speak. The coach goes over what went well, what went wrong and what the strategy the team will use to work toward victory.

Its July and a little more than half of the year has past. Summertime is finally here and the sunshine, cool breezes and holidays bring about looser schedules..lazy afternoons, and vacations. Nothing is wrong with any of that except that by the time you get your footing again the kids are back in school, its mid September and in three months the year will be over and very few of your 2010 goals have been met.

Every mid year I have learned to huddle up. I come off the field (take a few days off work..or plan a long weekend)..change clothes (no suits, pantyhose or pumps) nourish myself and then prepare to listen to the coach...for me that's God.

I go over my year plans/goals and update myself as to where I am with completing them. I see what I have done well...what I have done not so well and adjust where necessary. I make tasks sheets to give direction as to what I need to accomplish and then determine if there is more I can take on or if there is something I need to let go.

This process rejuvenates a sports team and it does wonders for an individual as well. I also use this time to review my daughters schedule and goals..and plan time off for my husband and I.

Don't let the rest of this year just happen to you. Its half time...and its time huddle up...take stock and plan out the rest of your year...Live on purpose.

Flying a little lower

Our SuperCape is ripped. We have been together almost three years now. We had some bumps and bruises when we first started but mostly they were from people outside of our home and we eventually sailed through it. But in just the 1st 6 months of this year the flaws, cracks and crevices have begun to come out of hiding and if you aren’t careful, when this happens (and it happens to almost EVERY stepfamily from what I studied) you can easily be overwhelmed.

We’ve got school issues, suspensions, bad grades and the like. We’ve got promiscuity issues and as a result new babies came, are here and are coming. We’ve got self esteem issues and we see desperation for attention in extremely unfruitful ways. There are diligence problems and anger issues and truth is you name it…we have dealt with it…are dealing it…or perhaps will deal it.

Mind you…that’s just the kids stuff..I haven’t shared with you my own struggles and things that John may be facing or working through. This blog entry would be too long.

Now it hasn’t all been rain..we have had some sunshine this year as well. We have had a college graduation and the announcement of two weddings. We got some awesome new furniture after three years of looking . We were proud parents/stepparent of two national band competition winners. One has managed a successful run in a student play. We have had two kids with major repair surgeries and both came out ok, with no alarm or issues.

Somehow, through it all we do not feel beleaguered or under siege. We just recognize that our Superfamily cape has rips and rips are ok...KEEP FLYING..just fly a little lower until you get the pieces back together.. We strongly believe that what we are facing is not just for us, but for other families who may be ashamed to admit to problems that they are facing and not know what to do. There has to be someone who has ridden a storm in order for others to see them and have hope. Willing or not, God chose us to ride ahead of others that are coming and stand on the rock like a lighthouse so others know that they can make it to the other side. A picture of a lighthouse is on our family mission statement and now more than ever God is calling us to be true to what we confessed our purpose to be!

What is The State of YOUR Union?

A few nights ago the President gave his State of the Union speech. As most presidents have before him, the speech is a collective annual report of not only the successes of his time in office thus far but it also set the tone and direction for the rest of the year. It usually covers the economic status of the nation, along with the cultural temperament and mood of the constituents and the foreign affairs of our nation.

Before ending the speech, the President gives direction as to where the nation is heading and encourages (or admonishes) with a planned strategy for accomplishing the agenda he has set for the year. The goal is after hearing the report, the nation should have a better idea as to the “state” or condition of the union.

In Marriage, you have to take time at least annually to assess where you are, where you are going and how you are going to get there. You need to retreat to discuss your economic condition, the temperament of the home and what things you are doing outside of the home (“foreign affairs”). You need to know the “State of YOUR union”.

What types of things are you doing to make sure that your union isn’t suffering or being neglected? Could you really sit down right now and give an honest assessment as to where you two are and where you are going? Are you clear as to what the goals are for you as a couple this year (not your family goals, your kids goals, your churches goals, your jobs goals…). Your state of the union directives’ for the year has to be couple (UNION) focused only. The other goals are important, but they are secondary and in some cases tertiary to what you two need to work on as a union. Your union goals may look like:

1. We work on our communication skills by not interrupting each other; spend time daily talking to each other at least 30 minutes (collectively), and not shutting down when the conversation gets difficult.
2. We will plan a quarterly getaway (overnight optional) and one full vacation for us. While away we will not discuss, kids, money, church or family…just us, the Lord and his vision for our marriage.
3. We will not take on any outside commitments (outside of work & home) at church, in the community or with extended family without full understanding of what is required and clearance from the other spouse.

Being a product of corporate America, I handle things corporately. If my hubby isn’t watchful I will have an agenda, powerpoint presentation and handouts when we sit down to talk. But I have learned now to relax and just lay across the bed and go over our goals and issues I may have with understanding where we are. During Valentine’s Day weekend we are scheduled to go on a retreat. A few days to just see where my husband’s head is about us and what’s on his heart about what we as a couple are assigned to do is priceless and worth way more than roses and chocolate. What’s the state of YOUR union? Instead of a dinner this Valentine’s Day...set up a meeting and get your nation under the groove .

Don't call Sprint to fix your water heater!

Yesterday, I had the honor to serve (and, yes it was an honor) sexually/physically abused and neglected children and their familes at a Christmas festival through the Junior League. It was so humbling to hear some of the stories of the children and to discover some of the tragedy that they have encountered already at their young age. You watched them playing the carnival games and eating pizza and opening gifts and you wonder who in the world could have beat a defenseless child senseless? It was enough to bring tears to your eyes and gratefulness in your heart for what you have may been spared.

A few years back I studied "abuse' in a different sense. Anything you misuse or use against or contrary to its purpose is considered abuse. Dr. Myles Munroe who is a Phd is in Religious studies I believe, defines abuse by disconnecting the words to reveal the root "AB"normal "USE". Most abuse occurs when you are ignorant of or ignoring the purpose for which something was created. If you don't know what a child is for...you will abuse him/her, if you don't know the reason your spouse is in your life, you will abuse him/her. If you are ignorant as to why your family was created, blended or otherwise thrown together ...not knowing its purpose will cause misuse and soon abuse.

You will abnormally use your family to give your life the semblance of normalcy. You will abnormally use your family to strike business deals or get favor. You will abnormally use your family as an excuse not to do something you are otherwise obligated to do. You will abnormally use your family as a battleground for your shortcomings and a punching bag due to your failings. That is not its purpose. I tell my girls in seminars and sessions and even in my book, one of Dr. Monroe's most meaningful quotes. "If you want to know the purpose of a thing, you must ask the person who created it". Only they have the authority to determine why it was made and what it should be used for.

You wouldn't call Sprint to ask them to fix your water heater. Sprint did not create the item with the issue. They aren't responsible for what happens to to your heater. They did not put together the service plan or give you instructions for a water heater. You need to get in touch with the water heater manufactuer in order to figure out what to do with the broken pipes. Sound silly and simplistic when we are talking about water heaters and cell phone companies. But it seems to get complex when we start talking about our lives or the lives of our spouse, children, stepfamilies. Its no different. Thankfully, a cell phone company didn't put our marriage toegther, or our family together. We got a "God said" from the beginning-If we hadn't we'd be in REAL trouble now. We kept God involved in EVERY decision regarding this marriage and covenanted before Him in His sanctuary before His man of God our vows to one another.

So, now that it looks "stank" in some areas...I don't bend off of that premise. God created this. If your family is suffering abuse..."abnormal use" in ANY area...go back to the one that put that family together-prayerfully it was GOD. If you did it, through manipulation, deceit, sin, error, inpatience or stupidity, repent, ask for forgiveness and then ask for direction. Get a clear direction as to its purpose and its vision. What should your family be doing or not doing? Where should your family be going or not going? Are you away from home too much? Are you home too much and not doing anything of substance with your free time? Is there balance, clear direction...purpose?

 

Again, remember if you don't know the purpose of a thing...just like the battered children at the festival..you will abuse it and the scars will last a lifetime. Don't call Sprint (or anything or anybody else), FIRST ask God for wisdom...he gives it freely and prepare to start your new year with a clearer path for your life than ever before.

I'd been there before

Saw a woman crying yesterday. Absolutely bawling. We pulled up to a stoplight at the same time and she leaned her head on the steering wheel. When she leaned her head back on the neck rest that’s when I saw them…the tears. They were relentlessly streaking down her face to the point where her breathing looked labored and she was heaving as if she would choke. I could tell she was screaming and sobbing loudly. I blew my horn, rolled down the passenger side window and gave her the ok sign as if to ask if she was ok. She shook her head no.

I asked her if I could help and again and she rolled her window down and again she shook her head no. With that I wanted to just reach out and hug her. I told her her that I was praying for her right as we were talking (and I was) and then they came…The tears..this time the tears were mine. She looked over at me and saw me wipe away my face and then before she rolled back up her window she slightly smiled and said “thank you young lady, thank you so much for crying with me”. I’ll be fine, just keep praying. With that she drove off and I sat at the light a moment before horns behind me started to blare.

“Thank you for crying with me”. I never had anyone tell me that before. Somehow those tears meant more to her than anything else that I could do for her. She didn’t thank me for asking if she was ok, or for the prayer…just gratitude that I for a moment although our pain may be different I allowed myself to be affected by the pain of someone that I didn’t even know. But she was wrong I did know her. She was me. I’d been there before. I didn’t try to pump her up, or give her the slogan for the day, I just simply allowed myself to be touched with the feeling of her infirmity. Even as I type this, the tears well back up in my eyes. I still wonder what was wrong. Did she lose her job? Did she have a breakup? Did someone physically hurt her? Was she out of money? Did she feel depressed or out of control or hopeless? Did she lose a loved one? Was she or someone in her family just diagnosed with something? It may have been one thing? It could have been a combination of pain. But when I saw her…I knew one thing for sure… I’d been there before.

All the things I wondered about her I had experienced or am experiencing. I know that pain, I know that “pound the steering wheel with your head”, scream at the world kinda cry that noone can understand even if you could explain it. Which is why when I saw it in her, I was immediately equipped with what she needed to be encouraged; The ability to feel what she felt and simply cry. Sure, I prayed for her and had she pulled over I would have given her both barrels, but GOD knew already that she didn’t need all that.

That’s why He sent me with all of my faults and failings to be the instrument he used to simply cry with another one of his children. Her semi-smile made me thank God for the humility that keeps creeping up everytime I think I may want to get haughty or soapboxy. As the old song said..”There’s always something there to remind me”. But for the grace of God, that woman driving into whatever turmoil she had to face, could just as well been me. And when its my turn to lean my head on the steering wheel again..I know I’ll have some prayer warriors interceding..but I hope to be blessed enough to have just one person to be there and not say anything, with a tissue and a hug…and a few tears.

How many meatballs or what color casket?

Today most of my co-workers and supervisors will be attending the funeral of the son of one of our Senior VP’s. I stayed behind thinking.. I really needed to write this instead. Randy was in college in Virginia and a freak accident claimed his life. He was 22 years old. He leaves behind a little brother, a mom and a dad who are racked with grief as we speak. They are getting dressed right now, preparing to get in the family car to go to church to view him one last time.

Sharon, Randy’s mother is concerned with the well being of her surviving son and how he’s handling the grief…she is also worried about the roller coaster of emotions that her husband is dealing with. On top of that, she is picturing in her mind how in the world is she going to handle seeing someone closing her son up inside of a casket to be lowered into the ground.

This morning my biggest concern was how many bags of meatballs to take over my sister’s house for Thanksgiving and if I had enough money for gas and food to make it until payday. My God, it seems so incredibly trivial right now. If Sharon could switch problems with me right now, she’d do it in a heartbeat just so her loved one could be back in her presence. All of my problems, issues and responsibilities she would gladly take on if it would bring Randy back.

So this Thanksgiving, I’m thankful about a lot of things but mostly it’s all about my family. I am so blessed. All my kids are well and safe. Unlike Sharon, my 22 year old son, although not perfect is still with me and alive for me to fuss at. My husband and his children are safe. Both my parents and all my siblings are all alive and well. My nieces and nephews are running around driving me nuts when I visit. I have a loving goddaughter and cooky grand goddaughter that show me love everytime I am in their presence.


Everything else is gravy. My job, co-workers, church and church family, neighbors, degrees, car, house, clothes, jewelry, awards, Wii Fit (ok, I don’t have that yet, but if I did-lol) is secondary to people. This Thanksgiving I give thanks to God, for He is good and his mercy endures forever. Thankful, not for things, but for family-I will remember to not take them for granted again.

Moving the Giant Boulder

The story is told that in ancient times, a King had a boulder placed on a roadway. Then he hid himself and watched to see if anyone would remove the huge rock. Some of the King's' wealthiest merchants and courtiers came by and simply walked around it. Many loudly blamed the King for not keeping the roads clear, but none did anything about getting the stone out of the way. Then a peasant came along carrying a load of vegetables. Upon approaching the boulder, the peasant laid down his burden and tried to move the stone to the side of the road..

After much pushing and straining, he finally succeeded. After the peasant picked up his load of vegetables, he noticed a purse lying in the road where the boulder had been. The purse contained many gold coins and a note from the King indicating that the gold was for the person who removed the boulder from the roadway. The peasant learned what many of us never understand! Every obstacle presents an opportunity to improve our condition.

Many have a tendency to look at a disaster an issue or an inconvenience as bothersome and annoying. Yes, it may be a temporary hinderance to where you are trying to go -but you need to not avoid hardship or continously ignore it...but endure it as a good soldier. Once you deal with whatever it is once and for all...your temperment, patience, arrogance, narrow mindedness, stubborn streak, negative talking...whatever it is..once you move it you will reap the rewards of doing the hard work. The GOLD is for the person who deals with themselves head on and fights until they win.

Best Intentions-AIDS & Stepfamilies?

Back in 1988 King Rama of Thailand had a momentous birthday...He turned 60 years old. To celebrate the occasion he decided to give his country a gift. BUT his best intentions ending up releasing a horrible plague into his entire country. AIDS was primarily conatined in Thailand's prison system. Prisoners had it and passed it to each other, but it was not widespread, almost nonexistant in the mainstream of the country. The King decided to release (grant amnesty) to about 30,000 prisoners. His "gift" also released the AIDS virus into his population and begin to spread, infecting millions.

Can you imagine how he felt.... If you are a stepparent, you most certainly can. Ok, no we haven't released a deadly plague that has infected the USA...but we can count on all our fingers and toes how many of our best intentions caused a mini war in our home.

All you wanted to do was be sure they left the house looking presentable-they see it as an attack on their fashion choices and how they were previously taught. All you wanted to do was be a good steward and keep your house clean and when you move their things from where they don't belong, or tell them to do it...you're considered a clean freak or picky. WHY is this happening...I didn't mean for it to be interpreted this way....blah blah blah...These stories can go on and on...but the truth of the matter is, just as King Rama learned...somethings are better left alone and on lock down.

You may think that what you are doing, or saying, allowing, or how you are reacting is what you should do.. but there may be a reason behind the imprisonment you see and trying to give instruction in an area where it will not be well received has the potential to infect your whole house. PERIOD.

So what do you do? Well, I have learned a few things.

Children imitate their atmosphere. They act and react based on what they have seen and have been taught directly or indirectly. Step children, my children or the children down the street they are the sum of three people (mother, father and the uniqueness of themselves)...The more I get to know my step children, the more I see things in them that people have told me was in their mother (positive and more importantly the negative). My children are the same way....I see me...I see their dad...I see them. That's alot of wacky personalities to manage and administrate.. Its takes grace. It takes God.

Please understand if your stepchildren are not meek (teachable) and you do not have the support of your spouse. . In most situations you need to backoff-today...literally. Its not that you don't love them or that you dont care, but ultimately the responsibility for those children belongs to the parent and they have to LEAD the charge in the teaching and the discipline in their lives. That is not your place. Your job is to support your spouse. Your job is to set the best example you can in word, deed, action, demeanor and simple things like making sure your spouse is happy. That is one of the most important things that they can see that 1. Their parent's life does not totally revolve around them and that their life and happiness is becoming more and more their responsibility. 2. Showing love in a marriage models before them what a marriage should look like and will hopefully cloud any negative exchanges they saw in the past in previous relationships. Is that to say you cannot correct, or instruct, NO...You are an authroity figure in that home and you deserve respect but it is to say just like the ROCK says...know your role...and shut your mouth....and I will add PRAY!

Pray for patience, pray for grace, pray for wisdom, pray for instructions. I am a witness that God will send "children" (yours or somebody elses) into your life that ARE willing to listen. The student seeks out and finds his teacher. God is truly a rewarder of them that diligently seek him....I promise.

NANOWRIMO 2009

For those of you just joining as a follower this year, you missed an exciting time last November. In November, a online community of thousands sets aside the entire month to write a novel of 50,000 words or more. It's not a "contest" per se' but you are encouraged to finish and there are forums, suggestions, ideas, advice and help for you at every turn.

There is information to help you deal with writers block, to help you find a place to study, to help when kids keep interrupting, how to write during the Thanksgiving holiday, what to name your main characters', nieces' friend. Its great to get on there and find help in whatever area you need. What's even better is to see others that are having your same struggle. You feel like as my dad would say "fellows in the same ship" and all of a sudden you don't feel alone in your fight.

One day step-parenting, and second marriages, and single parenting and all of the other "taboo" things that trip us up and cause us to stumble will be talked about so openly that people will be able to get help and not feel so alone anymore. Until then we have to use blogs, articles, stories and the like to lift up one another, encourage and tell the truth about our situations so others can pattern us and have hope.

For example, My husband and I just went in for a counseling check-up session to make sure that we were communicating properly and to hear innovative ways and suggestions to do it better. Most people would not talk about counseling or admit that they do it, but maybe if a couple hears that we regularly check in and stay on top of our issues that it will encourage them to not fear it, but embrace the fact that we are imperfect people, married to imperfect people, raising imperfect people.

As I get prepared for NANOWRIMO (National Novel Writing Month) I look forward to the camaraderie as much as I do the writing. The novel writing is fun. You are writing off the top of your head and its exhilerating and interesting as you see raw ability being pushed to the limit. Its also just a fun to log on on a day that you can't go any further and see 20 people send you a message in 2 minutes encouraging you and helping you to push forward. I hope that all areas of my life will be encouraging, fun, supportive and motivating like that.

At the bottom of the cliff

I am rereading a book called The Influencer. This book starts by explaining that we have the tendency to prepare for the worst or spend alot of time learning "how to cope" that we spend very little time dealing with prevention. We feel powerless to change our plight, our situation, our relationships, our outcomes, so we read books on how to DEAL with teachers...or how to DEAL with diabetes...or How to DEAL with a bad marriage How to DEAL with having a bad attitude etc...I'm sick of "dealing"...coping...its time for influencing change.

The example the book gave was phenomenal and I also shared this with my "mentees". Lets say that there was this extremely steep mountainside and every car that comes across that area falls over the mountain crashing into the valley below. A community organizer sees the carnage of tangled metal and corspes and springs into action. They are so frustrated that noone was "doing anything". So they quickly raise money, jump on the phone for help, makes a website, gathers the best and brightest ambulances, EMT's and trauma medical staff people and he and all his resources go into the valley to wait for the next person in the car to come over the cliff, and the next person, and the next person, and the next person to come over the mountain and then they can deal with the injuries of any survivors.

WHAT ? Yeah...don't laugh...they are just like you and I. They have effectively learned how to cope with the accidents. They have also filled their need to "do something". But of course it makes more sense to go to the mountain where the issue is and build a gate to prevent the accident in the first place?

There are somethings in our lives that are preventable. Period. You eat and feed your kids an ongoing diet of junk food, salt and sweets they are not going to be healthy thriving kids. You have unprotected sex with someone with HIV, you will probably get it to. You smoke packs of cigarettes a week, your chances for Cancer have increased. You don't exercise regularly or eat a balanced diet-you will probably be weak and fat. Those, we understand.

On a more personal note, there are things in your life that you see over and over in your attitude, your demeanor, your reactions, your responses, your actions, your dress, your vocabulary that you have learned how to "cope" with instead of working to change. You have learned how to pretend, how to manage and how to perpetrate being who people think you should be. But standing in that valley isn't changing the issues in your life. You will just keep watching the cars come tumbling down. Only climbing to the top of the mountain and doing what's necessary to prevent the disaster will bring about the change and growth you need to go to the next level in your life.

How you say...read the Personal Board of Directors post. Also, recognizing when you need help and being honest about it. Humble yourself and ask significant others in your life to help you. Teachers don't come looking for students. Students seek out teachers. Study, study and study. Exposure and information changes the seasons of your life. Actively pursue, confess and put change into action..one thing at a time. ex. This week I will NOT eat or feed my family junk, Or (if youhave problem with negativity) try... this week, I will say one thing positive to at least 5 different people every day...etc.. baby steps...small steps...will eventually get you out of your valley experience and get you to the mountain top where you can really see further, clearer and achieve all that you need to accomplish.

Monkey in the Middle

Wow...found this blog entry from 9/6/07 and I will be doggone if this same thing isn't happening today too...uh huh..I see a pattern here, devil!!


Monkey in the middle was an interesting chiild's game that we used to play. It's now a board game...but back in the day...it used to be that people on two opposite sides threw a ball back and forth between them and you "the monkey" would try to catch it by intercepting it. Unfortunately, you end up running back and forth between people constantly. You jump up only to find that they threw it low that time...you dip only to see it fly overhead. By 20 or so passes you are tired and you want the ball...but after awhile you don't care...it doesn't seem worth it.


Today, I am the "Monkey". I am running in between issues, people and problems trying to make and keep everyone happy...while I "make do". I make do with feeling neglected, I make do with feeling misunderstood, I make do with not having what I need. I try not to complain, cause in some areas (but not all)...I have more than I have ever had. But the running, the missing, the jumping, the dipping...has worn me out. I want to scream to the world...I'm not perfect...I can't hold your weight and mine too...BACK OFF. However, in the midst of it all..I have remembered to take of me. That's right...no over eating...no eating a ton of junk...no drowning my sorrows in food or shopping. I am valuable even and though I feel like crud...feelings are an unstable source of information. I am not perfect, but I am loved...by ME.

TODAY 9/22/09:
The enemy thinks he's slick..I will not be fooled another year, I betcha that!