Sweet "13"

13???  This throws some people off...not sure why- its simple, Superfamily started with 13 people. Myself and my husband, his six kids and my five kids..which equals 13.  We have in-laws and grandchildren now that are added as a part of the family, however the Superfamily core started with the 2 plus 11. We became a family unit on June 30^th 2007 and whereas my husband and I symbolized our union with a covenant agreement the family symbolized our union by taking communion together.  Its like the 12 tribes of Israel…that number “12” never changes even though the descendents of Israel are now too numerous to number.  Israelites just let you know…I’m of the tribe of Judah.  So I guess our Great grandchildren will say that they are of the tribe of Jerica… Jason??  You get the point. 

What’s interesting is that although the 12 tribes were looked at as a unit called “The Children of Israel” (for us its the Superfamily), each tribe had its own distinction based on the giftings and talents of the founding member of that tribe.  For example, the most well-known two are the tribes of Levi and the tribe of Judah.  The Levitical tribe is where the priests came from and the Tribe of Judah is known for the “praisers”.  If you were of the tribe of Levi…your expectations were that you would have an empowerment to carry the office of priest.  You lived it, you were preparing for it.  The tribe of Judah was the same.  If you were a child that was a descendant of Judah, it was expected that you knew how to usher in the presence of God with spiritual songs and praise. But EVERY tribe had the blessing of Abraham.

Each of our children carry a uniqueness that is defined by the calling and gifting of myself, my husband and what God has called them to do individually. However, there are some empowerments, anointings and blessings that we are speaking over them and into them that they are to spread down into their “tribe”.

Think about it:  What are you telling your children that they are and what they can do? What are you speaking in their spirit and having them say out of their mouths? What blessing are you preparing as a legacy for them and your heirs?? Don't just rattle off something..fast/pray about it and turn it over for awhile and then when God gives the green light on your proclaimation..start ta' speaking!

Gardening in the house

His Highness and I are stepping up our gardening this year.  We started a small garden last year and successfully grew green peppers, banana peppers and the like.  This year we are branching out and planting other fruits and veggies such as greens, watermelons, crowder peas, lettuce and tomatoes.  

Our ground (zone 5) is hard and cold right now.  Our growing season is short comparatively.  Knowing this, it is wise to start your seeds in a planter..grow them inside to prepare them for outside.  You are limited by space in the house of course, but by starting small, you gain an advantage to have a bigger harvest than what you would have if you had waited until the ground was ready.

Step parenting or parenting in general is a major lesson of seed….time….and harvest.  If you wait until your children are “ready” to hear instruction from you or accept your advice or guidance, you have lost prime time in making a difference.  With stepchildren this is even more vital because in some cases, depending on the situation, or due to resentment or family structure you may not be revered as an authoritative voice in their life. BUT that does not preclude you from the lessons you can teach from afar, by example…seedlings.

There are things I do, or don’t do that “teach” all time.  The way I serve my husband, decorate my home, organize my day, plan in advance, what I wear, how I speak, my mistakes, my triumphs..  It may be “small” in that I am not sitting down having a one on one consultation on the do’s and do not’s…but my little actions can speak louder than words.  One day when the “ground is ready” my wisdom, insight, or perspective may be better received and a harvest greater than what would have been realized if my little seedlings had not been planted along the way. Seed...TIME....and Harvest..

Get The Rebound...

The 1989-1990 Detroit Pistons was my most favored sports team of all time. Partly because there were no “stars”. Noone really shined more than anyone else…it was The Detroit Pistons against Larry Byrd and the Celtics, or Magic Johnson and the Lakers…they Pistons were always billed as a team (much like the Superfamily :). The reason I believe that their back to back championship seasons were so successful was due to wisdom of their coach Chuck Daly who put every Pistons in the right role for the right time.

Just recently NBA retired Dennis Rodman was in back in Detroit to retire his jersey number 10. Dennis was a rebound rustler. His job was to get the rebound…Dennis rarely drove the ball down court, or took three point shots. Again, His job was to get the rebound. He was named Defensive Player of year and helped the Pistons get two championship rings by doing what he was designed to do and staying in his lane. Other Pistons may have gotten better stats in points or free throws but that “1” in the win column would not have happened had it not been for Dennis’ role. He was designed to play defense. His job was to get the rebound.

In Stepfamilies, the lines of roles and responsibilities can get blurry. You get a lot of unsolicited, although perhaps well-meaning advice from people who have no clue as to the intricacies of the dynamics you face on a day to day basis. Trying to navigate what others think, and what your role actually is in every separate new relationship in the family is draining, demanding and emotionally strenuous. You cross a line here and get slapped back. You don’t do “enough” here and get criticized behind your back. Its enough to make you want to retreat and mind your own self-business (as grandma would say). I know, because I’ve done it and its an emergency tactic to have to get refocused and hear clearly from God.

Like Dennis, You need to hear from the "coach" to know what you are supposed to do. You may think its shooting, blocking, or dribbling..but you could just be assigned to getting the “rebounds”. ..just picking up pieces…here and there..getting in where you fit in.. Its not as glamorous, but your family will not get one in the win column without your skill set and tenacity. They may not even respect it, but eventually…even if it years later…”your jersey” will rise to the rafters and many will rise and call you blessed.  Be diligent about learning your role and then stay in that lane.  THAT is the only place where there is grace to prosper.  If you veer or get into the roles that others should be doing, you will be operating on your own..and alone is NO place to be if you are running a Superfamily.

What are you putting into your child's MEGAMIND...

What instructions are you giving to your children? Who are you telling them that they are or can become? You may not think your input is important, but it is. The recent family hit movie “MegaMind” does a great job of displaying this theory. In the very beginning the Main character “MegaMind” is being sent by his parents to earth to save him from his exploding planet. When his parents place him in his space tube, they begin to tell him his awesome destiny when the hatch closes prematurely and MegaMind doesn’t hear the whole thing. Fast Forward, he ends up being raised by prisoners, shunned by school mates and determines within himself that he is supposed to be a super villain.

Eventually he learns that he doesn’t “have” to be evil. He learned that he can make different choices. But not before demolishing most of the city, taking over city hall and destroying the citizens way of life.

How many paths of destruction will your child have to stumble down…and how many messes will he or she make before you tell them and convince them of who they are and what they can do? Don’t let the "hatch" close (lines of communication) without letting them know what they are wired to do. This means you have to know your child. You need to know their strengths, their weaknesses and the way that they learn and respond.

In stepfamilies, this is extremely important because in most cases you have at least two parents that are missing from the everyday lives of any children involved that were brought into the marriage. Your job as their parent is to make sure that you don’t abandon this dynamic of your role in your child’s life. You cannot focus so much on blending everything together that you disregard the unique gifts of your children that God charged you with explicitly to nurture and cultivate. You are equipped with a unique perspicacity for your child….regardless of how old they are. Use your gift and sow words of wisdom, power and direction into them as often as you can. Tell them the have the Mind of Christ...which is a MEGAmind indeed!

"YOU Again"

While enjoying a nice afternoon in the nail salon, my daughter and I watched a movie called You Again. It starred Sigourney Weaver, Jamie Lee Curtis as two former high school rivals who daughters also became high school rivals. They meet back up when Jamie Lee Curtis’ son decides to marry Sigourney’s daughter, who again is the rival of his sister.

Wild antics occur when past feelings, hurts, fights and emotions seep to the surface between all four of the old rivals. So much so, that the wedding rehearsal is destroyed and the wedding is called off. Although not quite as planned, cooler heads prevail and *spoiler alert* the wedding goes on. It was near the end of the movie that caught my attention. At the very end..one of the grandmothers, played by Betty White runs into another older woman at the reception and they look at each other with disdain and shout “You Again”. In an “a-ha flashback moment” It is insinuated that this feud started long before the daughters and mothers. It started with the grandmothers and the cycle has been revisited in every generation since.

The movie just served as a reminder to me that negative cycles will reappear in your relationships, your children and their relationships, your job etc.. if you don’t change and modify behavior toward the positive. It is on my worklist to never have face another negative cycle and mumble in submission ugh.. not “You Again”. It is imperative that stupidity I dealt with, faced and fell under...ends with me.

Flying a little lower

Our SuperCape is ripped. We have been together almost three years now. We had some bumps and bruises when we first started but mostly they were from people outside of our home and we eventually sailed through it. But in just the 1st 6 months of this year the flaws, cracks and crevices have begun to come out of hiding and if you aren’t careful, when this happens (and it happens to almost EVERY stepfamily from what I studied) you can easily be overwhelmed.

We’ve got school issues, suspensions, bad grades and the like. We’ve got promiscuity issues and as a result new babies came, are here and are coming. We’ve got self esteem issues and we see desperation for attention in extremely unfruitful ways. There are diligence problems and anger issues and truth is you name it…we have dealt with it…are dealing it…or perhaps will deal it.

Mind you…that’s just the kids stuff..I haven’t shared with you my own struggles and things that John may be facing or working through. This blog entry would be too long.

Now it hasn’t all been rain..we have had some sunshine this year as well. We have had a college graduation and the announcement of two weddings. We got some awesome new furniture after three years of looking . We were proud parents/stepparent of two national band competition winners. One has managed a successful run in a student play. We have had two kids with major repair surgeries and both came out ok, with no alarm or issues.

Somehow, through it all we do not feel beleaguered or under siege. We just recognize that our Superfamily cape has rips and rips are ok...KEEP FLYING..just fly a little lower until you get the pieces back together.. We strongly believe that what we are facing is not just for us, but for other families who may be ashamed to admit to problems that they are facing and not know what to do. There has to be someone who has ridden a storm in order for others to see them and have hope. Willing or not, God chose us to ride ahead of others that are coming and stand on the rock like a lighthouse so others know that they can make it to the other side. A picture of a lighthouse is on our family mission statement and now more than ever God is calling us to be true to what we confessed our purpose to be!

Why so downcast Camille?

To those of you that follow me on Twitter ( @ Queencdj) you know I “hit a bump” right at the beginning of the New Year. In just a two minute conversation with one of my kids, the enemy tried to get me off kilter right off the bat. Disappointment, discouragement, anger, hurt, fear, regret in myself and others streamed in and out of my head like a rushing river. I prayed about it. I went to church and tried to stay focused while going through the motions. But off and on all day, all evening my thoughts and fear betrayed me. I was afraid for some reason that God was going to leave me to face this alone. As if he was sitting on his throne saying “just deal with it, chick” Stupid I know, but that’s what I felt.

Then something interesting happened. I sat in my car before coming into work today and prayed for my job, my boss, the president of the company, my co-workers and staff members. Without thinking about it, I was suddenly not thinking about me anymore and prayed about our year at the office and thanked God for last year. I prayed for wisdom, creativity and favor for our CEO and those that worked with him.

After that, I went on into the office as I normally would battling back and forth in my mind as to what needed to be done and being resolute that I would not let my mind dwell too long on the negative things that are going on. Still felt a little down though, I was disheartened that a year starting with so much promise seemed to be getting off to a rocky start. I checked my email and there was...

Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise Him, my Savior and my God.” Psalm 43:5

That scripture was placed there by God ahead of time to be there to minister to me when I needed it. He hasn’t left me or forsaken me. The issues are still there, the problem is still looming, but GOD is there too. So for my first official blog of 2010 I proclaim that I can do ALL things though Christ which strengthens me. I can't say I feel like jumping up and down like the woman in this picture. But I am putting it there anyway as a reminder that one day my joy will be restored and I will smile again real soon.

I believe that by praying for others and taking the focus off of "me me me" for just those few minutes allowed my heart to soften enough to feel the presence of God in the midst of my issues. I thank him for giving me the mind to pray about others and the Word he sent to remind me that “this too shall pass…”

Don't call Sprint to fix your water heater!

Yesterday, I had the honor to serve (and, yes it was an honor) sexually/physically abused and neglected children and their familes at a Christmas festival through the Junior League. It was so humbling to hear some of the stories of the children and to discover some of the tragedy that they have encountered already at their young age. You watched them playing the carnival games and eating pizza and opening gifts and you wonder who in the world could have beat a defenseless child senseless? It was enough to bring tears to your eyes and gratefulness in your heart for what you have may been spared.

A few years back I studied "abuse' in a different sense. Anything you misuse or use against or contrary to its purpose is considered abuse. Dr. Myles Munroe who is a Phd is in Religious studies I believe, defines abuse by disconnecting the words to reveal the root "AB"normal "USE". Most abuse occurs when you are ignorant of or ignoring the purpose for which something was created. If you don't know what a child is for...you will abuse him/her, if you don't know the reason your spouse is in your life, you will abuse him/her. If you are ignorant as to why your family was created, blended or otherwise thrown together ...not knowing its purpose will cause misuse and soon abuse.

You will abnormally use your family to give your life the semblance of normalcy. You will abnormally use your family to strike business deals or get favor. You will abnormally use your family as an excuse not to do something you are otherwise obligated to do. You will abnormally use your family as a battleground for your shortcomings and a punching bag due to your failings. That is not its purpose. I tell my girls in seminars and sessions and even in my book, one of Dr. Monroe's most meaningful quotes. "If you want to know the purpose of a thing, you must ask the person who created it". Only they have the authority to determine why it was made and what it should be used for.

You wouldn't call Sprint to ask them to fix your water heater. Sprint did not create the item with the issue. They aren't responsible for what happens to to your heater. They did not put together the service plan or give you instructions for a water heater. You need to get in touch with the water heater manufactuer in order to figure out what to do with the broken pipes. Sound silly and simplistic when we are talking about water heaters and cell phone companies. But it seems to get complex when we start talking about our lives or the lives of our spouse, children, stepfamilies. Its no different. Thankfully, a cell phone company didn't put our marriage toegther, or our family together. We got a "God said" from the beginning-If we hadn't we'd be in REAL trouble now. We kept God involved in EVERY decision regarding this marriage and covenanted before Him in His sanctuary before His man of God our vows to one another.

So, now that it looks "stank" in some areas...I don't bend off of that premise. God created this. If your family is suffering abuse..."abnormal use" in ANY area...go back to the one that put that family together-prayerfully it was GOD. If you did it, through manipulation, deceit, sin, error, inpatience or stupidity, repent, ask for forgiveness and then ask for direction. Get a clear direction as to its purpose and its vision. What should your family be doing or not doing? Where should your family be going or not going? Are you away from home too much? Are you home too much and not doing anything of substance with your free time? Is there balance, clear direction...purpose?

 

Again, remember if you don't know the purpose of a thing...just like the battered children at the festival..you will abuse it and the scars will last a lifetime. Don't call Sprint (or anything or anybody else), FIRST ask God for wisdom...he gives it freely and prepare to start your new year with a clearer path for your life than ever before.

I'd been there before

Saw a woman crying yesterday. Absolutely bawling. We pulled up to a stoplight at the same time and she leaned her head on the steering wheel. When she leaned her head back on the neck rest that’s when I saw them…the tears. They were relentlessly streaking down her face to the point where her breathing looked labored and she was heaving as if she would choke. I could tell she was screaming and sobbing loudly. I blew my horn, rolled down the passenger side window and gave her the ok sign as if to ask if she was ok. She shook her head no.

I asked her if I could help and again and she rolled her window down and again she shook her head no. With that I wanted to just reach out and hug her. I told her her that I was praying for her right as we were talking (and I was) and then they came…The tears..this time the tears were mine. She looked over at me and saw me wipe away my face and then before she rolled back up her window she slightly smiled and said “thank you young lady, thank you so much for crying with me”. I’ll be fine, just keep praying. With that she drove off and I sat at the light a moment before horns behind me started to blare.

“Thank you for crying with me”. I never had anyone tell me that before. Somehow those tears meant more to her than anything else that I could do for her. She didn’t thank me for asking if she was ok, or for the prayer…just gratitude that I for a moment although our pain may be different I allowed myself to be affected by the pain of someone that I didn’t even know. But she was wrong I did know her. She was me. I’d been there before. I didn’t try to pump her up, or give her the slogan for the day, I just simply allowed myself to be touched with the feeling of her infirmity. Even as I type this, the tears well back up in my eyes. I still wonder what was wrong. Did she lose her job? Did she have a breakup? Did someone physically hurt her? Was she out of money? Did she feel depressed or out of control or hopeless? Did she lose a loved one? Was she or someone in her family just diagnosed with something? It may have been one thing? It could have been a combination of pain. But when I saw her…I knew one thing for sure… I’d been there before.

All the things I wondered about her I had experienced or am experiencing. I know that pain, I know that “pound the steering wheel with your head”, scream at the world kinda cry that noone can understand even if you could explain it. Which is why when I saw it in her, I was immediately equipped with what she needed to be encouraged; The ability to feel what she felt and simply cry. Sure, I prayed for her and had she pulled over I would have given her both barrels, but GOD knew already that she didn’t need all that.

That’s why He sent me with all of my faults and failings to be the instrument he used to simply cry with another one of his children. Her semi-smile made me thank God for the humility that keeps creeping up everytime I think I may want to get haughty or soapboxy. As the old song said..”There’s always something there to remind me”. But for the grace of God, that woman driving into whatever turmoil she had to face, could just as well been me. And when its my turn to lean my head on the steering wheel again..I know I’ll have some prayer warriors interceding..but I hope to be blessed enough to have just one person to be there and not say anything, with a tissue and a hug…and a few tears.

How many meatballs or what color casket?

Today most of my co-workers and supervisors will be attending the funeral of the son of one of our Senior VP’s. I stayed behind thinking.. I really needed to write this instead. Randy was in college in Virginia and a freak accident claimed his life. He was 22 years old. He leaves behind a little brother, a mom and a dad who are racked with grief as we speak. They are getting dressed right now, preparing to get in the family car to go to church to view him one last time.

Sharon, Randy’s mother is concerned with the well being of her surviving son and how he’s handling the grief…she is also worried about the roller coaster of emotions that her husband is dealing with. On top of that, she is picturing in her mind how in the world is she going to handle seeing someone closing her son up inside of a casket to be lowered into the ground.

This morning my biggest concern was how many bags of meatballs to take over my sister’s house for Thanksgiving and if I had enough money for gas and food to make it until payday. My God, it seems so incredibly trivial right now. If Sharon could switch problems with me right now, she’d do it in a heartbeat just so her loved one could be back in her presence. All of my problems, issues and responsibilities she would gladly take on if it would bring Randy back.

So this Thanksgiving, I’m thankful about a lot of things but mostly it’s all about my family. I am so blessed. All my kids are well and safe. Unlike Sharon, my 22 year old son, although not perfect is still with me and alive for me to fuss at. My husband and his children are safe. Both my parents and all my siblings are all alive and well. My nieces and nephews are running around driving me nuts when I visit. I have a loving goddaughter and cooky grand goddaughter that show me love everytime I am in their presence.


Everything else is gravy. My job, co-workers, church and church family, neighbors, degrees, car, house, clothes, jewelry, awards, Wii Fit (ok, I don’t have that yet, but if I did-lol) is secondary to people. This Thanksgiving I give thanks to God, for He is good and his mercy endures forever. Thankful, not for things, but for family-I will remember to not take them for granted again.

Moving the Giant Boulder

The story is told that in ancient times, a King had a boulder placed on a roadway. Then he hid himself and watched to see if anyone would remove the huge rock. Some of the King's' wealthiest merchants and courtiers came by and simply walked around it. Many loudly blamed the King for not keeping the roads clear, but none did anything about getting the stone out of the way. Then a peasant came along carrying a load of vegetables. Upon approaching the boulder, the peasant laid down his burden and tried to move the stone to the side of the road..

After much pushing and straining, he finally succeeded. After the peasant picked up his load of vegetables, he noticed a purse lying in the road where the boulder had been. The purse contained many gold coins and a note from the King indicating that the gold was for the person who removed the boulder from the roadway. The peasant learned what many of us never understand! Every obstacle presents an opportunity to improve our condition.

Many have a tendency to look at a disaster an issue or an inconvenience as bothersome and annoying. Yes, it may be a temporary hinderance to where you are trying to go -but you need to not avoid hardship or continously ignore it...but endure it as a good soldier. Once you deal with whatever it is once and for all...your temperment, patience, arrogance, narrow mindedness, stubborn streak, negative talking...whatever it is..once you move it you will reap the rewards of doing the hard work. The GOLD is for the person who deals with themselves head on and fights until they win.

Best Intentions-AIDS & Stepfamilies?

Back in 1988 King Rama of Thailand had a momentous birthday...He turned 60 years old. To celebrate the occasion he decided to give his country a gift. BUT his best intentions ending up releasing a horrible plague into his entire country. AIDS was primarily conatined in Thailand's prison system. Prisoners had it and passed it to each other, but it was not widespread, almost nonexistant in the mainstream of the country. The King decided to release (grant amnesty) to about 30,000 prisoners. His "gift" also released the AIDS virus into his population and begin to spread, infecting millions.

Can you imagine how he felt.... If you are a stepparent, you most certainly can. Ok, no we haven't released a deadly plague that has infected the USA...but we can count on all our fingers and toes how many of our best intentions caused a mini war in our home.

All you wanted to do was be sure they left the house looking presentable-they see it as an attack on their fashion choices and how they were previously taught. All you wanted to do was be a good steward and keep your house clean and when you move their things from where they don't belong, or tell them to do it...you're considered a clean freak or picky. WHY is this happening...I didn't mean for it to be interpreted this way....blah blah blah...These stories can go on and on...but the truth of the matter is, just as King Rama learned...somethings are better left alone and on lock down.

You may think that what you are doing, or saying, allowing, or how you are reacting is what you should do.. but there may be a reason behind the imprisonment you see and trying to give instruction in an area where it will not be well received has the potential to infect your whole house. PERIOD.

So what do you do? Well, I have learned a few things.

Children imitate their atmosphere. They act and react based on what they have seen and have been taught directly or indirectly. Step children, my children or the children down the street they are the sum of three people (mother, father and the uniqueness of themselves)...The more I get to know my step children, the more I see things in them that people have told me was in their mother (positive and more importantly the negative). My children are the same way....I see me...I see their dad...I see them. That's alot of wacky personalities to manage and administrate.. Its takes grace. It takes God.

Please understand if your stepchildren are not meek (teachable) and you do not have the support of your spouse. . In most situations you need to backoff-today...literally. Its not that you don't love them or that you dont care, but ultimately the responsibility for those children belongs to the parent and they have to LEAD the charge in the teaching and the discipline in their lives. That is not your place. Your job is to support your spouse. Your job is to set the best example you can in word, deed, action, demeanor and simple things like making sure your spouse is happy. That is one of the most important things that they can see that 1. Their parent's life does not totally revolve around them and that their life and happiness is becoming more and more their responsibility. 2. Showing love in a marriage models before them what a marriage should look like and will hopefully cloud any negative exchanges they saw in the past in previous relationships. Is that to say you cannot correct, or instruct, NO...You are an authroity figure in that home and you deserve respect but it is to say just like the ROCK says...know your role...and shut your mouth....and I will add PRAY!

Pray for patience, pray for grace, pray for wisdom, pray for instructions. I am a witness that God will send "children" (yours or somebody elses) into your life that ARE willing to listen. The student seeks out and finds his teacher. God is truly a rewarder of them that diligently seek him....I promise.

NANOWRIMO 2009

For those of you just joining as a follower this year, you missed an exciting time last November. In November, a online community of thousands sets aside the entire month to write a novel of 50,000 words or more. It's not a "contest" per se' but you are encouraged to finish and there are forums, suggestions, ideas, advice and help for you at every turn.

There is information to help you deal with writers block, to help you find a place to study, to help when kids keep interrupting, how to write during the Thanksgiving holiday, what to name your main characters', nieces' friend. Its great to get on there and find help in whatever area you need. What's even better is to see others that are having your same struggle. You feel like as my dad would say "fellows in the same ship" and all of a sudden you don't feel alone in your fight.

One day step-parenting, and second marriages, and single parenting and all of the other "taboo" things that trip us up and cause us to stumble will be talked about so openly that people will be able to get help and not feel so alone anymore. Until then we have to use blogs, articles, stories and the like to lift up one another, encourage and tell the truth about our situations so others can pattern us and have hope.

For example, My husband and I just went in for a counseling check-up session to make sure that we were communicating properly and to hear innovative ways and suggestions to do it better. Most people would not talk about counseling or admit that they do it, but maybe if a couple hears that we regularly check in and stay on top of our issues that it will encourage them to not fear it, but embrace the fact that we are imperfect people, married to imperfect people, raising imperfect people.

As I get prepared for NANOWRIMO (National Novel Writing Month) I look forward to the camaraderie as much as I do the writing. The novel writing is fun. You are writing off the top of your head and its exhilerating and interesting as you see raw ability being pushed to the limit. Its also just a fun to log on on a day that you can't go any further and see 20 people send you a message in 2 minutes encouraging you and helping you to push forward. I hope that all areas of my life will be encouraging, fun, supportive and motivating like that.

At the bottom of the cliff

I am rereading a book called The Influencer. This book starts by explaining that we have the tendency to prepare for the worst or spend alot of time learning "how to cope" that we spend very little time dealing with prevention. We feel powerless to change our plight, our situation, our relationships, our outcomes, so we read books on how to DEAL with teachers...or how to DEAL with diabetes...or How to DEAL with a bad marriage How to DEAL with having a bad attitude etc...I'm sick of "dealing"...coping...its time for influencing change.

The example the book gave was phenomenal and I also shared this with my "mentees". Lets say that there was this extremely steep mountainside and every car that comes across that area falls over the mountain crashing into the valley below. A community organizer sees the carnage of tangled metal and corspes and springs into action. They are so frustrated that noone was "doing anything". So they quickly raise money, jump on the phone for help, makes a website, gathers the best and brightest ambulances, EMT's and trauma medical staff people and he and all his resources go into the valley to wait for the next person in the car to come over the cliff, and the next person, and the next person, and the next person to come over the mountain and then they can deal with the injuries of any survivors.

WHAT ? Yeah...don't laugh...they are just like you and I. They have effectively learned how to cope with the accidents. They have also filled their need to "do something". But of course it makes more sense to go to the mountain where the issue is and build a gate to prevent the accident in the first place?

There are somethings in our lives that are preventable. Period. You eat and feed your kids an ongoing diet of junk food, salt and sweets they are not going to be healthy thriving kids. You have unprotected sex with someone with HIV, you will probably get it to. You smoke packs of cigarettes a week, your chances for Cancer have increased. You don't exercise regularly or eat a balanced diet-you will probably be weak and fat. Those, we understand.

On a more personal note, there are things in your life that you see over and over in your attitude, your demeanor, your reactions, your responses, your actions, your dress, your vocabulary that you have learned how to "cope" with instead of working to change. You have learned how to pretend, how to manage and how to perpetrate being who people think you should be. But standing in that valley isn't changing the issues in your life. You will just keep watching the cars come tumbling down. Only climbing to the top of the mountain and doing what's necessary to prevent the disaster will bring about the change and growth you need to go to the next level in your life.

How you say...read the Personal Board of Directors post. Also, recognizing when you need help and being honest about it. Humble yourself and ask significant others in your life to help you. Teachers don't come looking for students. Students seek out teachers. Study, study and study. Exposure and information changes the seasons of your life. Actively pursue, confess and put change into action..one thing at a time. ex. This week I will NOT eat or feed my family junk, Or (if youhave problem with negativity) try... this week, I will say one thing positive to at least 5 different people every day...etc.. baby steps...small steps...will eventually get you out of your valley experience and get you to the mountain top where you can really see further, clearer and achieve all that you need to accomplish.

Monkey in the Middle

Wow...found this blog entry from 9/6/07 and I will be doggone if this same thing isn't happening today too...uh huh..I see a pattern here, devil!!


Monkey in the middle was an interesting chiild's game that we used to play. It's now a board game...but back in the day...it used to be that people on two opposite sides threw a ball back and forth between them and you "the monkey" would try to catch it by intercepting it. Unfortunately, you end up running back and forth between people constantly. You jump up only to find that they threw it low that time...you dip only to see it fly overhead. By 20 or so passes you are tired and you want the ball...but after awhile you don't care...it doesn't seem worth it.


Today, I am the "Monkey". I am running in between issues, people and problems trying to make and keep everyone happy...while I "make do". I make do with feeling neglected, I make do with feeling misunderstood, I make do with not having what I need. I try not to complain, cause in some areas (but not all)...I have more than I have ever had. But the running, the missing, the jumping, the dipping...has worn me out. I want to scream to the world...I'm not perfect...I can't hold your weight and mine too...BACK OFF. However, in the midst of it all..I have remembered to take of me. That's right...no over eating...no eating a ton of junk...no drowning my sorrows in food or shopping. I am valuable even and though I feel like crud...feelings are an unstable source of information. I am not perfect, but I am loved...by ME.

TODAY 9/22/09:
The enemy thinks he's slick..I will not be fooled another year, I betcha that!

Always darkest before the dawn

I wrote this in an older post on another blog 9/17/07. I am absolutely floored that it is still applicable and accurate for my life...a whole year later...

___________________________

Whose knows who said it first...but it seems to be true. It gets SOOOOO dark in your life right before the "wonderful" or the "awesome" thing happens. Or does it? Maybe it's just been so dark that any glimmer of light no matter how signficant brings hope to a seemingly hopeless situation. I am looking for glimmers. On the surface everything appears great, but deep down there are some inner struggles, some issues and disappointments that I struggle to keep at bay. There are some hurt feelings, some trampled emotions, some ignored needs that keep kicking me deeper into darker places that when I get a ounce of good news, I jump at it and grab it for dear life.

That's not living...at least not the level of living that I am believing for. I want JOY and happiness. I want peace, simplicity and to diminish the need to explain or defend myself all the time. How do you climb to a life like that when every rung is met with fear, disappointment, a mistake, judgement.... You keep on walking. Past the critics, past the heartache, past the needs...you keep on stepping. You can't linger anywhere too long-even in your mind. If you are working out an issue, work it out in your head, or on paper then let it go. If someone doesn't understand you, oh well! If they are not someone of influence in yor life, or a credible authority on the subject matter that they are criticizing you about, reject it and move on.

I guess in a way peace has to be pursued, joy has to be a choice. It sure won't fall in your lap. There are glimmers of light everywhere. Look for and be grateful for small things. Because when it's dark is when light shines the brightest.

Duck and Roll

My children will battle all day about who the greatest superhero is. They will call out pairs and try to determine things like "If Thor fought the Incredible Hulk, who would win?" They base their hypothesis on what specific powers each of them possess and which power would overcome the other.

My absolute favorite hero (next to Superman, obviously) is Wolverine. Ok, yes he is a tad rough around the edges. He isn't quite the most "polite" hero and those claws are FIERCE! But its his other power that I admire and its what I believe gives him the edge over his enemies...its the ability to absorb a knife cut, a wound, a bullet, a bomb, a scape, scratch, or bruise and within seconds..be healed of the pain from the inside out and have NO scar to show from it.

If I could only choose one superpower, that would be it. Why? Because complete healing gives you the ability to persevere without fear and the wherewithal to keep fighting indefinitely, healing inwardly along the way. I can't imagine all I could have done, accomplished or changed if I didn't have to stop along the way to lick my wounds or take a "season off" to get over an offense, or what someone did or said to me or assumed about me.

How is that possible you say? How can you not allow hurtful things, not to deeply hurt you? I tell you how I am doing it, and others may have different ideas....but as for me I "duck and roll".

When I notice that something is going on that can potentially be determential to me (a negative conversation, an inappropriate tv show, a nasty attitude, verbally abusive, or even physically) my first response is to move me. I move me mentally, physically if necessary, emotionally most certainly. My first goal is to protect my heart from foolishness. To "duck" if you will from anything that can potentially damage who I really am and what I am really about.

Secondly, I "roll"! If something has managed to hurt me, I learn to shorten the turn around time until I get over it. In other words, let it roll off quicker which allows me to get back in the fight and ensures another chance for success. Whatever I have to do, whether its pray, cry, listen to a song that inspires me, run around outside, watch something funny on TV, write, whatever I need to do to work through the effects of a blow, I do it, I do it quickly and I move on.

To be able heal from issues quicker is not only better for you mentally but physically. You cut down on heart issues, stress, ulcers etc.. I have discovered its not worth it. I have some issues and other people have some issues but NO issue is worth altering my destiny for. Don't internalize everything or take others problems personally. Don't own other people's issues.

Heal "Wolverine style" from the inside out, and heal quickly. Don't let offense, hurt, mistrust or fear rob you from love, relationships, or the mind blowing plan that God has for your life.

Personal Board of Directors

In the book Mastering the 7 Decisions by Andy Andrews, I was reminded of the importance of having a Personal Board of Directors. Since I also work in Governance, this parallel rings very real and purposeful for the next seasons of my life. On the Board of Directors at my job, we are careful to select people with specific backgrounds, expertise, education, cultural backgrounds, family makeup, economic levels and social circles that will benefit the corporation. Everyone doesn't come from the Auto industry, everyone isn't a teacher, everyone doesn't understand finances, everyone isn't African american, everyone isn't a parent, and they don't all go to the same church, there are dfferences so vast that the corporation benefits from a wide scope of ideals, connections and experiences.

You need to have a "Personal" Board as well. People that you can turn to and count on to give you sound advice, true experiences, encouragement, correction and connect you to the right people and places so you can achieve your goals and vision.

My Board is very diverse, everyone serves their purpose and I tap into them for their specific limited scope for the different catagories of my life. Since I am married, my husband serves as the chairman. As a steparent, I have a two very "successful" (very important) stepmothers that I can go to, to glean wisdom from. As an author, I study and seek out the style & experiences of Andy Andrews & John Maxwell. As a wife, my godbrothers' wife is my sounding board and she will encourage me when I am on target and slam me unmercifully when I am not-lol. As a believer, my pastor, by nature of his role would be considered a Board member. As a future multiple stream- business woman, legacy builder and billionaire, I have a mentor and motivator that I have tremendous respect for that takes time to talk to me, answer my questions and push me. To learn grace under pressure, class and ladylike demeanor, I watch Queens, Princesses, The first lady of the US, and my founding pastors wife. For my professional career, there are two attorney's and a roundtable of trusted co-workers that I use to bounce things off of. For everything else, there is my mom/dad, sister and brothers and my e-mail crew from my 1st church home-"The Cats".

You might think wow....that's alot of folks to get advice or direction from. Actually it isn't. You have neve heard of a multi-million dollar corporation having 2 board members? I am much more valuable than that, so I need wisdom from all directions. The bible even teaches that in a multitude of counsel there is safety. All of the counsel I get is submitted to the ultimate authority-God and he has always caused the things I need to know to be in line with what I have been told and His Word.

So give it some thought. Your dream, your vision, your family's destiny is much to big for you to carry it alone, isn't it? You are going to need help. You are going to need answers. You are going to need support. The people on my board never attend a meeting or come to a board retreat. They may not even know I consider them a board member in my life, its not about formality. Its about the sincerity of looking at their life, desiring a trait or characteristic they have and being humble enough to learn from them. I have young ladies that have come to me directly and asked me to mentor them. Honestly, the 1st few I told them no in so many words. I didn't feel that I was "perfect" enough to do it. I didn't get it, now I do and as I get mentored, and learn from my "board" the more wisdom I will have to share with them.

Its time to round up your board-WHO IS IN YOUR CIRCLE OF INFLUENCE and WHY? Where are they taking you and is it where you are supposed to be going?

The Tug O' War of Today

We played the game of Tug of War when I was growing up. The coaches always tried to be sure that the teams were even in size and number. We would pull and pull and pull until finally one side or the other would end up letting go, getting scared of the other side or lost their footing and are then pulled over onto the winner's side. Tug of War has strong archaeological roots going back at least to the 12th Century AD. In other words, its been around a long time.

Regardless of whether the game is played in school, on the playground, on Cardoni street, in the coliseum, or in the Olympics, the fundamentals of the game are still the same. One side either let go of the rope, got fearful or the other side pulled hard enough to cause them to lose their footing and be pulled across the line.

Life today was a major game of tug of war for me. I am not sure if I was on one side or the other or if I was the rope. I had appointments, meetings, deadlines, unexpected calls and issues and of course it all happens within a 45 minute window. I am still detoxing from the drama of the day and I have to admit, I made it without loosing my cool, almost without loosing my patience and for certain without throwing up my hands. There was grace to handle everything. Now everything that I wanted did not happen and I still don't know how I am going to take care of what's ahead, but I learned three things:

1. Don't let go. Do not just throw your hands up and allow the issues to just "be". Do all you know to do. Bishop Jakes says Do all you can, leave NOTHING out. Even if its not enough, you will have an assurance that you truly did all you could. We have great confidence in what God can do, but we don't believe that we have been given the power to do anything. When you go to God and you turn it over to him you should be able to say with confidence that Lord I did everything within my power to do. I did all I could with what you gave me. I need you to take it from here. I refuse to let things just "happen" to me and I just lay there...I am SO the warrior! God equipped me to be a fighter so I can do battle and win. With me, its not likely that the issue will continue to survive as long as I am steadfast in the things of God.

2. Don't lose your footing. You have to know who your rock is and what you are rooted and grounded in. You have to release anything that is flaky, insecure and wavering-be it people, situations or relationships. Its easy to want to try this and try that in order to get this, but in some things you have to simply get back to basics. For example, you want more money? You can fast until you are blue in the face and 57lbs, put oil on your checkbook and pray 17 1/2 times a day but the Word says GIVE and it shall be given unto you. So all of that stance is fine and good...but if you are not bringing in multiple streams of income, tithing and giving out of what you have..prawlly NOT gonna happen. Don't lose your footing and get caught up. Do what you KNOW to do.

3. Don't be a punk and get fearful. People really made alot of assumptions when my husband was attacked the other day. One of the biggest assumptions was that I was SCARED. Was I concerned for him, you better believe it, was I angry that he was hurt-that's a certainty, but scared? Like I told my daughter, I ain't never scared-bad english but true none the less. I may not like the situations that are happening to me..but I am not afraid of them. I am a seasoned, decorated war hero who is not afraid of battle because I remain equipped to fight at all times-at any time.

So if you find your mind, your life, your relationships in a Tug of war, don't be afraid. Dig your heels in and hold your ground. Don't let go and I am a witness who made it through the craziness of today that you can outlast any enemy!

Out to destroy me??

(Picture from recent Tennessee Vacation)

Most of you who follow us know that just recently my husband was car jacked at work. Outside of the inconvenience of replacing everything, adjusting here and there and your occasional anxieties, we have come through this fire without even smelling like smoke. He’s fine, I have him, so I’m fine. All Praise to God.

Yes, we dealt with the "Spirit of Stupid" as there were idiotic rumors going around about what happened with people who don't even know him anymore. I really wish wisdom would have prevailed and that kind of irreverent garbage would have been kept out of my husband’s space. He had enough to contend with without having to take precious time to squash plain ole dumb stuff. He laughed it off as is his nature, but it was SO not funny, not appropriate and mature believers should know better, just the enemy using them and their immaturity to take another swing...BUT-Anyway…we came through that as well.

However, although grateful I am still deeply and thoroughly annoyed. Why? Because my husband told me that although this incident happened physically to him, that the enemy wasn’t out to get him, he’s actually out to destroy me. Now THAT ladies and gentlemen ticked me off, probably because I knew that as soon as he said it there was a ring of truth to it.

The enemy, my friends, family, co-workers, and even my hairdresser knows that if you want to send me swinging or see me drive a minivan through your living room window, mess with my husband, Stevan, Jerica, Bryan, Jaivon, or Jordan. That my dear, will get you injured. I am sure there is a more spiritual, politically correct way to say that but rather than try to comprise that, I think truth speaks loud and clear.

Now mind you that there are others that are important to me, there is my mom and dad, my siblings, My husband’s family, my nieces and nephews, my goddaughter etc.. Trust me the enemy knows my protective nature of those I care about, am committed to and are committed to me. He also knows I have been attacked directly so much and so often, and in so many ways, I suppose I have developed a blasé immunity to how an attack against me directly effects me. Armed with that kind of information about people you are planning an attack against seems to be a major advantage.

Thinking about my husband’s statement, I think what does the enemy gain by taking me out? And furthermore “How can I win against a foe that knows my most targeted vulnerabilities”.

I’m going to think about that…and get back with you.