Who asks questions like THAT??

Almost six years ago in Dunkin Donuts parking lot with a beautiful Princess Cut Diamond and White Gold Ring, His Highness asked me a hard question….”Will you Marry Me”…??  It’s obvious I said yes, and after knowing him almost 10 years..this week marks our 5^th Anniversary.  Hard and or sensitive questions are status quo for us now.  It’s a part of who we are as a couple, why?  Because we care enough to cause a little hurt in feelings, for a greater healing in spirit.

So this year’s hard question from me to him was…..

“What about this marriage so far has disappointed you?”

Who asks questions like that?  ME that’s who.  Why?  Because more than I want to have the silly immature illusion that I am a perfect, seamless, wonderful, amazing, faultless, virtuous wife…I want to always operate in truth, even if the truth sucks. 

The bible says that houses and wealth you get from your folks…but a prudent wife is from the Lord.

I love the very first part of the definition of prudent…“having good sense”.  A wife with good sense can asks the hard questions knowing that an atmosphere of phoniness is the breeding ground for failure. I know it’s hard to believe people…but “everything ain’t been wonderful”.  You have to know and operate in truth so that you can do what is necessary in your character to build an environment in your marriage conducive for your spouse to grow and be nurtured in.  

Its sad to see marriages that look “wonderful” on the outside, but when you peel back some layers..wives are afraid of damaging their spouses esteem so they won’t tell him that their temperament, ego or pride is causing a great divide in the house.  Husbands won’t tell their wives, afraid of offending them, that it embarrasses him when she isn’t dressed appropriately or acts loud and brash in public. It isn’t easy, but I will always ask the hard questions and make sure that I keep my ego and pride in check so when my husband has to ask me a hard question, there is grace available to think, not be offended or worry to cause offense and to answer in truth.

Marriages and families (blended or otherwise) cannot grow effectively without having these crucial conversations. If you haven’t had a conversation like this and you have been married over a year..you have some catching up to do.  Don’t let your marriage go on for 7, 10, 20 years without knowing what the little foxes are that have the potential to spoil your vine. Care enough…love enough.. to ask the hard questions.

I CAN handle the truth, keep your pom-poms

My boys used to play football and I am not one of those parents that coddled them after games and kissed their scrapes. I always probed them to see what they learned by their action whether good or bad. Once my son and I discussed a game that they lost and he told me that the coach yelled at them for over an hour.  I know some parents would have called that coach and read him the riot act. Thankfully, I know THAT is a big mistake….so I thought about it and then asked him…well what do you think about that? He shocked me…he said…Ma, Coach was right. He said some of us were so busy chanting with the cheerleaders and pumping up the crowd that we didn’t listen to him and were confused on plays. Then he took a piece of paper and began drawing plays and showing me what they should have done versus what they did. I had no clue what he was talking about at this point but he was so excited to know WHAT to do and what didn’t work.  At 13 years old, he knew how to take, process and understand criticism without OFFENSE. That lesson was priceless.

I told my son that cheerleaders are not there for YOU.  They are there for the crowd….God love em, I was one- but they are NOT in the game. Their job is to stand on the sidelines and keep other people on the sidelines engaged in your game. Coaches may not be as pretty and they have no pon poms, nor will they tell you how cute you are after the game, but they are the ones with the wisdom.  While everyone is cheering, and yelling and chanting…coaches are watching, writing, instructing, developing, noticing and sometimes praying that you do what he knows you can do. That’s why after a winning game or season..no matter what players thank COACHES (after their mama, that is:) not cheerleaders. It’s the coaches that are truly in the trenches designing victory.

I learned a valuable lesson yesterday..well actually it just confirmed something I already knew.  There is a MAJOR difference between cheerleaders and coaches. I spoke with someone yesterday about some angst I was experiencing and some career moves that I was looking to take within my current position. Thankfully she didn’t coddle my wounds or tell me how awesome I was…she came at me with both barrels. I loved it! 1.  She was right  2. I trusted her opinion  3.  She trusted me enough to know that I was mature enough to handle it without offense and 4.  She didn’t use any cutesy techniques to tell me.  She just laid it out.  All the way home I turned over what she said and got myself together, I prayed and now I know WHAT to do.  Had she wasted my time with compliments, I might feel mushy and loved…but I wouldn’t be challenged or helped. I’ll take the latter. I want to grow. Don’t sandwich truth between two pon poms and a cartwheel. Also, get you some people in your circle that can get in your business and coach you to the next level. If you need cheerleaders, encourage yourself. But to raise a stepfamily or run a multimillion dollar corporation…you are going to need people with a clipboard, a whistle and megaphone. 

A clipboard, a whistle and megaphone??  We will talk about that in our next post…

The New Normal

I was in high school in the 80’s and I remember being in the 9th or 10th grade and wanting some orange converse high top all stars. I am not sure why. They weren’t quite my style. I was quite “preppyish” then. But they were unique, not many people had them. So, I worked for them, saved my money and bought them. (Please accept my belated apologies if you ever saw me in them). It was perfectly normal for me to wear them every chance I got. That along with members only jackets, a double belt, legwarmers, jelly shoes, a nanny goat fur coat were among other fashion dares of that time. If this were 1984, those items would still be normal. But now in 2008, my kids would nail the doors shut before allowing me to go out like that.

Why? Although I liked those things then, the season for them has passed. My "new normal" is suits, pantyhose and pumps for work, green sprite pop printed pajama pants at home (hey, my husband bought them and they are my absolute favorite). But to see me in those pajama pants at home or a suit at work would not shock anyone who knew me. They realize times change, fashions and designs improve and adjust depending on the season and creativity. In 2008 I wouldn’t get pulled over by the fashion police and asked “Where are your purple and gold leg warmers from 1982?” Seems silly, because what worked then doesn’t work now and no one will fault you for changing your “normal”.

That is unless you are talking about almost anything that is not material. If you change your mind about a thought process, a way of doing things, a method of approaching something or a decision, you are looked at as a “flip flop”or unstable. Ok well how about this…how about “I changed my mind”. That's it. Its’ just as plain and as simple as that. What worked for me then doesn’t work anymore. What I thought then was based on the information I had at the time. What I think now is based on what I know now. Some of us are afraid of change just out of fear of what people may think. I’ve had to change a lot in the past 5-6 years. There are those who may not like it…and I say…um yeah well-I don't know what ta tell ya…. Things that used to be important to me just aren’t anymore. Things that I use to HAVE to do or things I HAD to be involved in…Well, I just don’t have to do that anymore. Some call it the "40" flip (and I will lend some credence to that-after I turned 40 my focus did turn a tad to the left and it's great). Some call it maturing. For me, I suppose, I just did what I had to do. That's what a Superspouse/Superparent does. You adjust to the blend and deal with it. Having a quieter home is not the norm now, so? Having alot of space and time to myself is a distant thing of the past, so? My husband not having to share a closet or bathroom is so over (sorry dahlin', but scoot over). Making decisions independent of someone else isn't the way its done anymore, and? We just face it- Our normal is changing daily.

There were certain ways I did things in the past from as simple as paying the bills or banking to gardening and laundry that I don’t approach the same anymore. Or it could be more serious, such as how I handle offenses. Some believe that the opposite of change is consistency. I believe the opposite of change is closer to “stagnant”. As in, you are becoming inactive or dormant. As a stepfamily, what worked in your previous family 9.85 times out of 10 won’t work in totality in your new family. You have to be open to change to function effectively. If you don’t, you will be the equivalent of being in 2008 wearing Orange Converses with a Members Only jacket and purple and gold leg warmers. Not cute people. Not cute at all. Be open and flexible to change and get used to your new normal even if it includes wearing green sprite pajama pants .