Monkey in the Middle

Wow...found this blog entry from 9/6/07 and I will be doggone if this same thing isn't happening today too...uh huh..I see a pattern here, devil!!


Monkey in the middle was an interesting chiild's game that we used to play. It's now a board game...but back in the day...it used to be that people on two opposite sides threw a ball back and forth between them and you "the monkey" would try to catch it by intercepting it. Unfortunately, you end up running back and forth between people constantly. You jump up only to find that they threw it low that time...you dip only to see it fly overhead. By 20 or so passes you are tired and you want the ball...but after awhile you don't care...it doesn't seem worth it.


Today, I am the "Monkey". I am running in between issues, people and problems trying to make and keep everyone happy...while I "make do". I make do with feeling neglected, I make do with feeling misunderstood, I make do with not having what I need. I try not to complain, cause in some areas (but not all)...I have more than I have ever had. But the running, the missing, the jumping, the dipping...has worn me out. I want to scream to the world...I'm not perfect...I can't hold your weight and mine too...BACK OFF. However, in the midst of it all..I have remembered to take of me. That's right...no over eating...no eating a ton of junk...no drowning my sorrows in food or shopping. I am valuable even and though I feel like crud...feelings are an unstable source of information. I am not perfect, but I am loved...by ME.

TODAY 9/22/09:
The enemy thinks he's slick..I will not be fooled another year, I betcha that!

System Shutdown

John and I have never really had an all out war argument. At least not the type I am accustomed to. However, we have had some severe disagreements about some major issues. Usually right before it spirals out of control or when it appears as if no solution is evident, something happens on my end. Its called the "shutdown". I just stop. I stop talking, I stop thinking, I stop manuevering, I stop internalizing, I just stop. Just like a computer, any work in progress will be lost. I won't want to bring it up again. John usually doesn't notice the shutdown right away because it is subtle and unannounced and he is usually talking or finishing his point and its happened and it slips right pass him.

The shutdown has probably prevented many of our discussions from escalating into arguments. Sometimes I just don't have the energy to discuss the same thing over and over again and since there are 178 other things on my list to contend with right now, I will just drop it and in mind move on to the next thing. But the down side is that it also prevent many issues from being settled and dealt with. Once I stop communicating, that's it. Discussion over, whatever you want- fine, I'm done with it. So, all of these unresolved issues just broil internally, constantly over and over again and nothing gets moved to the next level.

Well, somewhere in there it got noticed and John and I decided that we would work on it. It falls under our communication pillar of the relationship, but the strategy we use to work through this will give us a blueprint as to how to ( and how to not) handle future issues. What was interesting is the way John approached it. He asked me "what is it that I do that causes you to shut down?". I found that to be very comforting, why? Well, because even though it is I that does the "shutting down", he took joint ownership and repsonsibility of the issue. He didn't shove the problem in my lap and say "just fix...that thing you do."

In Blended families like it or love it problems in his family is a problem in your family. An issue with his kids, means an issue for you. A problem with your mom is a problem for him. The joys are shared but so are the problems. The shutdown issue is still a problem (hey we've only been on it two weeks, give us a break:-) But somehow it doesn't seem as hopeless as it once did, all because my husband turned the situation inward to correct himself first.

What things do you need to correct in you first? What problems are coming up over and over again that you know you play a role in that you don't want to deal with? Start inward and let your spouse know it (No matter who started it). You will gain a new respect from them and break down another layer of the barrier to your oneness.