Give the gift of "slack"

Being in a Superfamily, we actively deal with at least 3-4 family schedules every holiday not including our own household. First of all, there is my family. That includes my kids, my parents, my sister, brothers, in laws, nieces and nephews. Then there is my husband’s family. He has his children, a brother, two sisters, nieces, nephews and in laws. Then there is my husband’s kids family (his former wife's relatives) which include their grandmother, aunts, uncles and cousins. On top of that we have 5 kids that are married with families and in-laws of their own.

So you figure it out...who do you go see first? Who do you say no too? What happens when it is your turn to host on "your side" of the family but it’s your spouse's sister turn on the other side? Or what happens when your kids want you to see their other parent’s family which of course cannot include your current spouse and their side of the family. So say yes means leaving your spouse and their children behind and spending time with your former family. To say no means disappointing your children.

Welcome to REAL "Stepfamily" life and it is a far cry from what is displayed on the 70’s show The Brady Bunch. There is no Alice to help clean up messes and NOTHING gets solved in 22 minutes plus commercials. It’s enough to leave you in heap of frustrated tears, if you allow it. You stretch yourself so thin and in the end without fail someone is left disappointed-usually you.

Every day we face new awkward complexities and the Holidays intensify those complexities. Sacrifice and disappointment are inevitable, but how you deal with it can make the difference.


Our holiday advice for stepfamilies or any complex family:

1. PLAN ahead. Do not wait until the week of, or day of and think that you can manage a complex family situation-it won't work. Communicate your plan ahead of time and listen to (and consider) your spouse's suggestion about the plans. Work toward compromise but not at each other’s expense.

2. Relax, ignore the stereotypes and learn to say NO. Sometimes to your kids, sometimes to your family, sometimes to your job, church, neighborhood or club. You cannot do everything. Get over it and let other people know they need to get over it too. Don’t allow people to say what you should do just because it’s what they do. Do not let "other people's normal" pressure you or get you in a state of foolish expectation. Do you.

3. Understand and accept that this is your life now. It will only get more complex from here. Our children will have to visit other family members as well as us, their grandparents etc. Accept where you are so you can plan effectively for where you are headed.

4. Enjoy where you are, wherever you are. One holiday we were split up and my husband was supposed to join me later. He didn’t make it. BUT I could have ruined the holiday for me, my family and my kids if all I did was worry about if my husband was coming or if I constantly called him, bugged him, texted him, wondering where he was or if they were going to make it. Instead, I put my phone in my purse, made punch, ate dessert with my nephew, played a hilarious charade game with the whole family and let the chips fall where they may. I assume that my husband and his family had a good time together as well. BE where you are.

5. Protect yourself. If one and/or both of you have crazy or insensitive family members that you simply don't want to be around (and everybody has them), set up a signal or a time limit ahead of time as to how long they can stay or how long you will be there. Never ruin or sacrifice your holiday by being someplace more than 60 minutes where you don’t want to be. Don't do it. Stop by if you must, keep the car running, be polite, wave from the door, send a pie, but don't subject yourself to any absurdity. Both of you and your family deserve better, especially during the holidays.

6. Don't give ultimatums. Why not? Because simply put-it’s stupid, as ultimatums usually are. Don't try and force someone else to make a decision. I tried it, and it doesn’t work. You and what you want may not be the priority in every case. Make no demands. You are going to have to spread the love around and share her/him, so deal with it. They had family when you met them and they will have family should you leave. So, instead of being jealous or possessive, be grateful that they have family that love them and that they have the heart capacity to love others. Send them on their way if you can’t work out a viable alternative and go have a great time yourself.

7. Carve out time with just the two of you during the season to reflect on the year and dream for next year. Last year my husband and I did a breakfast on Christmas Eve at a restaurant and it was great to slow down from the hustle and bustle and jusy enjoy being together. That time alone together more than made up for the few hours we missed together on Christmas. As a matter of fact, I am choosing that again this year.

8. You can do the “one hour at each house” thing. But why drag your kids and spouse all over town? None of you are really connecting with anyone because you are on time limit to get to the next stop. Pick a side of the family for thanksgiving, another for Christmas and maybe even another for the New Years. If it works, great, continue to manage it effectively and keep your sanity as the priority.


Let some expectations go. It’s a sure fire way to keep stress down and reconnect with the people that are important to you. Put a different gift under the tree this year..try giving each other some slack this holiday season. When you give the gift of choices, you receive the gift of liberty.

Flying a little lower

Our SuperCape is ripped. We have been together almost three years now. We had some bumps and bruises when we first started but mostly they were from people outside of our home and we eventually sailed through it. But in just the 1st 6 months of this year the flaws, cracks and crevices have begun to come out of hiding and if you aren’t careful, when this happens (and it happens to almost EVERY stepfamily from what I studied) you can easily be overwhelmed.

We’ve got school issues, suspensions, bad grades and the like. We’ve got promiscuity issues and as a result new babies came, are here and are coming. We’ve got self esteem issues and we see desperation for attention in extremely unfruitful ways. There are diligence problems and anger issues and truth is you name it…we have dealt with it…are dealing it…or perhaps will deal it.

Mind you…that’s just the kids stuff..I haven’t shared with you my own struggles and things that John may be facing or working through. This blog entry would be too long.

Now it hasn’t all been rain..we have had some sunshine this year as well. We have had a college graduation and the announcement of two weddings. We got some awesome new furniture after three years of looking . We were proud parents/stepparent of two national band competition winners. One has managed a successful run in a student play. We have had two kids with major repair surgeries and both came out ok, with no alarm or issues.

Somehow, through it all we do not feel beleaguered or under siege. We just recognize that our Superfamily cape has rips and rips are ok...KEEP FLYING..just fly a little lower until you get the pieces back together.. We strongly believe that what we are facing is not just for us, but for other families who may be ashamed to admit to problems that they are facing and not know what to do. There has to be someone who has ridden a storm in order for others to see them and have hope. Willing or not, God chose us to ride ahead of others that are coming and stand on the rock like a lighthouse so others know that they can make it to the other side. A picture of a lighthouse is on our family mission statement and now more than ever God is calling us to be true to what we confessed our purpose to be!

Why so downcast Camille?

To those of you that follow me on Twitter ( @ Queencdj) you know I “hit a bump” right at the beginning of the New Year. In just a two minute conversation with one of my kids, the enemy tried to get me off kilter right off the bat. Disappointment, discouragement, anger, hurt, fear, regret in myself and others streamed in and out of my head like a rushing river. I prayed about it. I went to church and tried to stay focused while going through the motions. But off and on all day, all evening my thoughts and fear betrayed me. I was afraid for some reason that God was going to leave me to face this alone. As if he was sitting on his throne saying “just deal with it, chick” Stupid I know, but that’s what I felt.

Then something interesting happened. I sat in my car before coming into work today and prayed for my job, my boss, the president of the company, my co-workers and staff members. Without thinking about it, I was suddenly not thinking about me anymore and prayed about our year at the office and thanked God for last year. I prayed for wisdom, creativity and favor for our CEO and those that worked with him.

After that, I went on into the office as I normally would battling back and forth in my mind as to what needed to be done and being resolute that I would not let my mind dwell too long on the negative things that are going on. Still felt a little down though, I was disheartened that a year starting with so much promise seemed to be getting off to a rocky start. I checked my email and there was...

Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise Him, my Savior and my God.” Psalm 43:5

That scripture was placed there by God ahead of time to be there to minister to me when I needed it. He hasn’t left me or forsaken me. The issues are still there, the problem is still looming, but GOD is there too. So for my first official blog of 2010 I proclaim that I can do ALL things though Christ which strengthens me. I can't say I feel like jumping up and down like the woman in this picture. But I am putting it there anyway as a reminder that one day my joy will be restored and I will smile again real soon.

I believe that by praying for others and taking the focus off of "me me me" for just those few minutes allowed my heart to soften enough to feel the presence of God in the midst of my issues. I thank him for giving me the mind to pray about others and the Word he sent to remind me that “this too shall pass…”

Four Christmases

There is a movie out now called "Four Christmases". The premise of the movie is that there is a couple that has parents that are divorced and they collectively are a part of four "step" families. The goal was to always be "busy" during the holidays so they wouldn't have to wade through trying to see everyone, every holiday. This year, the vacation getaway plans get canceled and they have to make an effort to be everything to everybody that's important to them. I haven't seen the movie but we can relate. Being in a Superfamily, we actively deal with at least 3-4 families every holiday not including our own household. First of all, there is my family. That includes mama and em', daddy, my sisters, brothers, in laws, nieces and nephews. Then there is John's family, he has a brother, two sisters, nieces, nephews and in laws. Then there is John's kids family (his former wife's relatives) which include their grandmother, aunts, uncles and cousins. Then John's oldest son has his own family which includes his children and wife.

So you figure it out...who do you go see first? Who do you say no too? What happens when it is your turn to host on "your side" of the family but your spouse's sister turn on the other side. Or a scenario could be-your kids are pulling you to see their mother's family which of course cannot include your current spouse and her side of the family. So, to take them means leaving them and their children behind and spending time with your former family, when you really have a new set of in-laws that you need to get to know. UGH, all you really want is to get back into bed with your husband or wife, eat a TV dinner and some popcorn and forget everyone else. Its enough to bring you to heap of frustrated tears, if you allow it. You stretch yourself so thin and in the end without fail someone is left disappointed-usually you. Trust us, real "stepfamily" life is a far cry from the what was displayed on the Brady Bunch. There is no Alice to help clean up messes and NOTHING gets solved in 22 minutes plus commercials.

For example, Thanksgiving this year was over my brother's house (on my side of the family). John's side did not have any concrete plans. He decided to go to his son's house to take his children to visit and visit with my family later. To which I said NO. Really, I did. I said that because I don't want him running all over the place trying to make everyone happy. I said if you are going to be with your son, just be there and I will see you later. Me and my kids would be fine, we would miss the other side of the Superfamily but we would still have a great time with mama and em' and catch them back at the house. Unfortunately for John, his plans did not go as orchestrated and he ended up over his son's house for the entire holiday. He felt bad about not being with me (as well he should have, because I am the bomb:-). But I was fine, I missed sharing a new memory with him, but we had an absolute blast, much too much food and hated to leave. My family was already are talking about the next time we will all get together. Everyone that was suppose to be there was there. That's how God does things.

But if it were in the reverse, Honestly, I would probably have felt just like John. Feeling.... just like my super cape had a hole in it and I fell instead of "flew". He and I worked through what he was feeling and I reiterated why I did all I could to relieve any expectations or pressures in that area. I never want him to feel like that again. However, we are complex and everyday we face new awkward complexities. Sacrifice and disappointment are inevitable, but how you deal with it can make the difference. We're learning.........

Our holiday advice for stepfamilies:

1. PLAN ahead. Do not wait until the week of, or day of and think that you can manage a complex family situation-it won't work. Communicate your plan ahead of time and listen to (and consider) your spouse's suggestion about your plans.


2. Learn to say NO. Sometimes to your kids, sometimes to your family, sometimes to your job, church, neighborhood or club. You cannot do everything, get over it and let other people know they need to get over it too.


3. Understand and accept that this is your life now. It will only get more complex from here. Wait until our children begin to marry and have children of their own. They will have to visit other family members as well as us, mama and em' etc.. Accept where you are so you can plan effectively for where you are headed.


4. Enjoy where you are, wherever you are. I would have possibly ruined Thanksgiving for me, my family and my kids if all I did was worry about if John was coming or if I constantly called him, bugged him, wondering where he was or if they were going to make it. Instead, I put my phone in my purse, ate two plates, made punch, ate dessert with my nephew, played a hilarious charade game with the whole family and let the chips fall where they may. I assume that John and his family had a good time together as well.


5. Protect yourself. If one and/or both of you has crazy or insensitive family members that you don't want to be around (and everybody has them :-), set up a signal or a time limit ahead of time as to how long they can stay or how long you will be there. Also, never ruin or sacrifice your holiday by being someplace more than 30 minutes where you are likely to be dishonored, ignored or inundated with an abundance of memories, paraphenalia or consistant reminders of your spouse's former married life. Unless you have the tenacity of a bull and you know your spouse will protect your heart from people who don't understand or don't know any better, its a set up for heartbreak. Don't do it. Stop by if you must, keep the car running, be polite, wave from the door, send a pie, but don't subject yourself to any foolishness both of you and your family deserve better.


6. Don't give ultimatums. Why not? Because its stupid, as ultimatums usually are. I tried a psuedo ultimatum with John unwittingly once and I lost. I will never, ever do that again. Don't try and force someone else to make a decision. You present the issue and share with them the decision that you have to make that's best for you and drop it. In this case-no demands, you are going to have to spread the love around and share her/him, so suck it up. They had family when you met them and they will have family when you leave. So, instead of being jealous, mean , standoffish or possessive, be grateful that they have family that love them and that they have the heart capacity to love others and still have a special love for you and your kids. Send them on their way and have a great time yourself.


7. Carve out time with just the two of you during the season to reflect on the year and dream for next year. Last year John and I did a breakfast on Christmas Eve at a restuarant and it was great to slow down from the hustle and bustle and enjoy him. Try it...

Merging Coke and Pepsi

Contrary to what most would like to believe compromise is not easy, nor is it simple. If it could be just as easy as getting cheese on one side of the pizza, we'd be in business. But sometimes, its all gotta be cheese and you're gonna need to like it and agree with it. The concept may be pretty cut and dry…give a little, bend a little, prefer the other person, blah, blah, blah.. BUT to actually put those things into action on a daily basis is not easy, its work. It’s hard, diligent, consistent work. If someone tells you and believes in all honesty that compromise is simple or easy, 8 ½ times out of 10 they are not a part of a stepfamily.

Those of us who are, understand fully that compromise is taken to new levels when you are in the process of merging two families. It’s like making Coca-Cola and Pespi one company. GASP at the thought? Well think about it…if you are merging two companies, you no longer need two presidents or Human Resources departments. Two marketing teams and two separate mailrooms aren’t necessary. The former processes of two systems cannot function efficiently as one company . As a matter of fact, using two systems in one "company" will bring about chaos and disorder. Either we are going to do things the way Pepsi did them or the way Coke did them or COMPROMISE. To do things totally the way that Coke did them would be dishonorable to Pepsi and their way of doing things. To do everything like Pepsi wants, would mean that you overlook the system that Coke has used successfully. If you are trying to develop a new soda, you can’t function and produce the same way you did as Coke or Pepsi.

Let’s say, Coke overruled, overlooked and disregarded all of Pepsi’s formula and systems. The new company, although it is now two companies merged together, would be nothing but Coke again. Pepsi and what it stood for would be lost in the shuffle and instead of the world getting an exciting new soda, we get just Coke again. Not that Coke is bad, but when you are expecting something new…you don’t just want a Coke. The same is true in families.

So in a stepfamily, you don’t need two people responsible for organizing something. You don’t need two ways of doing the dishes, mowing the lawn, handling the groceries or getting the cars serviced. Something has got to give. You hear phrases like “But we always do this, this way”, or “My family always does this on Christmas” and you aren’t sure how to navigate over the rocky waters of giving a little, getting a little. Its ‘one thing if it were just you and your spouse-most marriages face that just starting out. But then you add your children, and her children and your children’s mother’s family and your husband’s ex-wife’s family, you have the potential for a lot of disappointment. We even have the added situation where one of the previous spouses' is deceased. You can't even critique or hear a unbiased account about the way a former person handled processes to evaluate what would be best now, without stepping on a landmine of defenses and protection of the old adage "speaking ill of the dead". Compromise is so sticky and it bites...hard. But there is hope...if you can master three keys (none of which are very popular) it may help you manage compromise and keep the main thing, the main thing.

Compromise by Merriam's definition means to settle a dispute or disagreement by mutually accepting less than what was originally wanted or to accept a position because of the understanding that what was initially wanted is unattainable.

To settle. That’s the 1st key. You want the issue settled. What do you have to give to make that happen? Sometimes it’s just a little, like “your” side of the bed. Sometimes it’s a whole lot, like spending Christmas with your spouse’s family instead of your own. Sometimes you just have to stop talking. Yup, that means shut up. its harsh, and its meant to be. Not always, but sometimes you'll need to just zip it. Even if you know you're right. What the most important thing? Peace in your household or being able to put your pots and pans in the cabinet on the bottom right versus the upper left? Making your spouse happy and complete or having to prove to be right about everything.

Accepting is the 2nd key. It’s being able to just let go of some ideologies about what you thought married life would be like. You just suck up the fact that hey, what I initially thought I wanted is unattainable, at least right now. I envisioned and desired those things without enough relevant information. The compromise would be to settle and adjust. To stop putting your lofty expectations and dreams on the backs of other people. Have a little grace for the way things are, versus what you want them to be. Give a little, and maybe get a little. Strive for contentment at all costs. It’s more valuable than getting your way.

Understanding is the last key. It doesn't mean you will never see improvement or see things adjust again to what may make you happier. You might, and you have peace in the meantime. But you get other benefits, your children are watching. They will see what you give of yourself and your way of thinking in order to bring joy or contentment to your spouse. They will understand and prayerfully model later what it really means to love.

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.”

What Lies Beneath

The Superfamily has new carpet in the living room, dining room and the stairs leading to the basement. It was a pretty easy selection process as far as color. The kids even helped. We stayed pretty neutral and decided that a little darker was better. So, we have a light caramel color shag with flecks of creamy beige kinda. Well, carpet isn't exciting but it was something I thought about that I wanted to share. My husband pulled the old carpet back one day to show me the floor (we just bought this house last year) and it was hideous. I was at least expecting a nice hard wood floor that just needed a little elbow grease. But no, it was planks of odd shaped wood that was grimy and could never be shown in public. I thought about that floor the other day when I saw the new carpet. The carpet was beautiful and fluffy and made the whole house smell new. Noone would guess "what lies beneath" .

When people see us as a family, they see the "fluffy new carpet". They remember the wedding and the fireworks and the beautiful dress. They see the kids getting along and my husband I still holding hands as we walk down the street. They wouldn't guess "what lies beneath". No, we aren't undercover monsters but if we weren't covered by prayer, hard work and forgiveness we would show up no better than that grimy wood floor. Don't take for granted the things and people you see that you may admire or even envy. There is something that covers them as well. Learn the whole story about them, and us for that matter so you aren't disappointed if your husband isn't like mine seems to be, or your children don't seem to be behaving like our crew. TRUST ME, everyday a piece of our virtual carpet comes up exposing what's beneath. Through patience and diligence, we work hard to keep the "S" on our chest. In principle, You can have what someone has, or do what they have done, if you are willing to do what they did to get there.

We aren't the Superfamily because we can fly or can leap tall buildings. We are the superfamily because we respect the fact that it takes over and above the norm to be a success at what we have been charged to do. It takes SUPER compassion, SUPER discipline, SUPER caring, SUPER "everything"to deal with and finally conquer "What Lies Beneath".