Who are we..and WHY??

For those that have followed us for awhile, you will note the new mast head with the Superfamily Coat of Arms/Crest in the corner.  His Highness and I worked diligently about every detail of the crest.  We decided on every color, every picture, every word, each symbol…everything.  What you see is a finished product of a lot of prayer, compromise and creativity..which in essence is what the Superfamily is about.  I am publishing this to give you a glimpse into what the crest is about and cause you to think of what your family represents.  More importantly, I want this be available to those in our family that come after us as a testament of what our ‘walk” should look like. 

To the 13 and beyond…now hear this and tell your children and those you choose to marry-we are NOT common, ordinary, run of mill people.  We are not like everyone else. Everywhere we go our presence dominates a room, not just because there’s a lot of us…but because there is a light that goes before us.  It’s in our laughter, our gestures, they way we look out for each other. Understand, you are not “better” than others per se’…you are simply anointed. Individually, we are unique and valuable; BUT together we are a dominating mighty force of wisdom, creativity, insight and prosperity.  Never take that for granted.

Now to the crest...The Superman “S” of course stands for our new "family" name.  When we combined in 2007, we were no longer just the Stephens, Jamerson’s or Anderson’s.  No one name encompassed everything and everybody fairly, so I asked God for a new name.  Along with our “super” size, it takes supernatural favor, wisdom, insight, and patience in order to manage and be a part of our family. I also felt I needed a cape in order to keep up with all of the demands that were dropped on us running a conglomerate called “family”.  So Superfamily…definitely fits.  We’ve got people that want to “apply” to be in our family, because of what they see on the surface.  However, we can tell you…it’s not for everyone.  There is an empowerment necessary to blend as a family successfully…we’ve been at it for years and aren’t “there” yet.

So let that be encouragement to those of you that are in complex families.  1.  Don’t allow anyone to tell you how long it should take to blend.  Noone knows- period.  Every family dynamic is different and blending successfully looks different depending on your point of reference.  2.  Also, look at your family characteristics, your talents, abilities and things that both families do well or your “opposites”…somewhere in there you may find the purpose for why God brought you together. 3. Look for ways to unite the family. It could be a crest, a picture, a tradition or a moniker that everyone knows. Where there is unity, there is strength.

Stay tuned  for what the colors stand for…and the #13!

Merging Coke and Pepsi

Contrary to what most would like to believe compromise is not easy, nor is it simple. If it could be just as easy as getting cheese on one side of the pizza, we'd be in business. But sometimes, its all gotta be cheese and you're gonna need to like it and agree with it. The concept may be pretty cut and dry…give a little, bend a little, prefer the other person, blah, blah, blah.. BUT to actually put those things into action on a daily basis is not easy, its work. It’s hard, diligent, consistent work. If someone tells you and believes in all honesty that compromise is simple or easy, 8 ½ times out of 10 they are not a part of a stepfamily.

Those of us who are, understand fully that compromise is taken to new levels when you are in the process of merging two families. It’s like making Coca-Cola and Pespi one company. GASP at the thought? Well think about it…if you are merging two companies, you no longer need two presidents or Human Resources departments. Two marketing teams and two separate mailrooms aren’t necessary. The former processes of two systems cannot function efficiently as one company . As a matter of fact, using two systems in one "company" will bring about chaos and disorder. Either we are going to do things the way Pepsi did them or the way Coke did them or COMPROMISE. To do things totally the way that Coke did them would be dishonorable to Pepsi and their way of doing things. To do everything like Pepsi wants, would mean that you overlook the system that Coke has used successfully. If you are trying to develop a new soda, you can’t function and produce the same way you did as Coke or Pepsi.

Let’s say, Coke overruled, overlooked and disregarded all of Pepsi’s formula and systems. The new company, although it is now two companies merged together, would be nothing but Coke again. Pepsi and what it stood for would be lost in the shuffle and instead of the world getting an exciting new soda, we get just Coke again. Not that Coke is bad, but when you are expecting something new…you don’t just want a Coke. The same is true in families.

So in a stepfamily, you don’t need two people responsible for organizing something. You don’t need two ways of doing the dishes, mowing the lawn, handling the groceries or getting the cars serviced. Something has got to give. You hear phrases like “But we always do this, this way”, or “My family always does this on Christmas” and you aren’t sure how to navigate over the rocky waters of giving a little, getting a little. Its ‘one thing if it were just you and your spouse-most marriages face that just starting out. But then you add your children, and her children and your children’s mother’s family and your husband’s ex-wife’s family, you have the potential for a lot of disappointment. We even have the added situation where one of the previous spouses' is deceased. You can't even critique or hear a unbiased account about the way a former person handled processes to evaluate what would be best now, without stepping on a landmine of defenses and protection of the old adage "speaking ill of the dead". Compromise is so sticky and it bites...hard. But there is hope...if you can master three keys (none of which are very popular) it may help you manage compromise and keep the main thing, the main thing.

Compromise by Merriam's definition means to settle a dispute or disagreement by mutually accepting less than what was originally wanted or to accept a position because of the understanding that what was initially wanted is unattainable.

To settle. That’s the 1st key. You want the issue settled. What do you have to give to make that happen? Sometimes it’s just a little, like “your” side of the bed. Sometimes it’s a whole lot, like spending Christmas with your spouse’s family instead of your own. Sometimes you just have to stop talking. Yup, that means shut up. its harsh, and its meant to be. Not always, but sometimes you'll need to just zip it. Even if you know you're right. What the most important thing? Peace in your household or being able to put your pots and pans in the cabinet on the bottom right versus the upper left? Making your spouse happy and complete or having to prove to be right about everything.

Accepting is the 2nd key. It’s being able to just let go of some ideologies about what you thought married life would be like. You just suck up the fact that hey, what I initially thought I wanted is unattainable, at least right now. I envisioned and desired those things without enough relevant information. The compromise would be to settle and adjust. To stop putting your lofty expectations and dreams on the backs of other people. Have a little grace for the way things are, versus what you want them to be. Give a little, and maybe get a little. Strive for contentment at all costs. It’s more valuable than getting your way.

Understanding is the last key. It doesn't mean you will never see improvement or see things adjust again to what may make you happier. You might, and you have peace in the meantime. But you get other benefits, your children are watching. They will see what you give of yourself and your way of thinking in order to bring joy or contentment to your spouse. They will understand and prayerfully model later what it really means to love.

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.”

The Excitement is Mounting...

This weekend, we go on our annual trek to Cedar Point in Sandusky OH. The kids are besides themselves with excitement. Now the buzz is "what are we going to wear? Who's going to ride what? What are you taking on the bus? It's actually fun to watch them. You would think we were going on a 10 day Mediterranean Cruise. But that's what so neat about it. It doesn't take very much to make them happy. It also doesn't take much for them to have a good time. Anyone who was at our wedding reception could vouch for that. They still talk about it even a year later... All of them together at a dinner table will keep you laughing for hours. Really, they actually have a superhero contest as in; they make hypothetical pairings and very loudly debate over who would win between ex. Wolverine and the HULK. I think last we checked Magneto (X-Men) was the overall winner.

So anyway its off to Cedar Point . My husband's family (sister, nieces) is coming and so is my family(parents, siblings etc..). The kids have friends from school, the neighborhood and church coming. The memories we create on the bus ride alone will be things we cherish for years.

As a "Superfamily" (Our new politically correct term for stepfamily or blended, both of which in my opinion are not quite accurate), its important to build new memories TOGETHER. Both families come with their own sets of memories from their past family life. However, everyone involved is in a new family now and the importance of building a new past together (as I call it) cannot be taken for granted.

Do you, or your family have a bus load of painful memories? Start building your new past today. Make new memories, start new traditions. Get out of what you used to do with her and what he always did with you and look at what's best for this NEW family. What are their talents and abilities? Where can we go or what can we do as a family that will spark conversations and leave lasting impressions? For us it's Cedar Point, for you it may be a camping or fishing trip, a annual barbeque or a family scrapbook.

Its not likely that either former separate family will forget things they use to do or places they used to go. But now we have balance and all of the past memories don't have to be ones that include a tinge of pain or yearning over of a spouse, relationship or a parent that is no longer there. Now, even though we separately remember the old past, we can also laugh together at the thought of a match up between Iron Man and Cyclops.