Three Crutches?

In a recent sitcom, Linda was grilling Audrey about going over the top in one of her relationships. She dogged her for always being there, sort of waiting on her boyfriend, “Trevor” hand and foot, cooking when he what he wants, when he wants, laundry etc…in short WAY too much. Audrey responds to one of Linda’s many questions by saying” But he has a broken leg” and Linda’s classic response “I know, I see all 3 of his crutches, 1…2 and YOU.

I often say “my circle is so small it’s a line”. That’s funny, but its truth. But the folks in my line…I can count on. It can be 3 AM or 3PM, I can call from jail or Jerusalem if I need them, they are ride or die.  Yet I can’t tell you the last time I talked on the phone with them for over 10 minutes. However, that is also why I value them.  I know if they do call - there is a problem or something is happening good or bad that I need to know… I know we don’t just “shoot the breeze”. So that means it’s important or serious and I come to a full stop.  Sometimes, I become one of the crutches holding them up until the pain has passed. Sometimes they are the crutch for me. That is the ONLY role of a crutch and it’s TEMPORARY. I then resume my place in the background of their life, like a safety net. Now, if you saw someone still walking on crutches a year or two after a simple sprained ankle, you would know that something went WAY wrong in the healing process or they are afraid of falling again.

Some of us treat our “friends” or relationships in general as if they are in a full body cast.  We act as if the relationship is helpless to stand on its own unless you are there feeding it constantly with activity, favors, and compliments.  Seriously, take a lesson from God.

God called Abraham his friend, yet in a span of about 30 years from Genesis chapter 12 until chapter 22, God  is recorded as speaking only 7 times to him. If your friend only called you maybe once every 5 years or so…YOU would not call them friend, but they may be. That's not to say that relationships won't need work on occasion or that you won't need to take the initiative to reestablish a VALUABLE friendship sometimes.

Yet, relationships are more than activities. Its’ found in connection. It’s in a look, a knowing glance that says, “I hear what you are saying, but I know what you are feeling”. It’s in being able to freely say to a friend that they are acting like an idiot, fight about it and then go to Wendy’s for a frosty.

Needy people will need people all the time.  You will rarely see them stand on their own two feet without “crutches”.  You will rarely see them alone.  As soon as one relationship ends, they are with another guy, friend or buddy filling an emotional vacancy that is a sure sign of a deeper issue. I’ve got five dollars that says you don’t have that kind of time. Quit taking the term friendship so lightly. You owe it to you and your true inner circle, to do some assessing (I call it circle editing) and see who stays, who goes or gets a brand new title: acquaintance.

Once Upon a Time...that face...that feeling..

The King and His Daughter Snow...

Last night I watched a show called Once Upon a Time and as the title indicates…it’s about fairytales..sort of.  Yesterday’s episode showed a scene that looked painfully familiar.  As I watched it unfold, that icky feeling you get in the pit of your stomach where you see a train getting ready to hit the brick wall, and you know you’re gonna get hit with the residue, but you stand there and watch anyway….and then you bleed and vomit…yeah it was THAT feeling.

 Scene: In a flash back.. a King in a formal setting at the palace..big dinner event, all of the people in the land are there.  He has remarried Queen Regina (who is now known as the villain of the show) and yet Regina sits alone at a table in the background. Snow White takes centered stage in the throne area with her father, the King as he gushes over her and tells her and everyone present how wonderful she is and how beautiful she is and how much she reminds her of her mother as she was the fairest in all the land…the camera pans to his new wife Regina, sitting out of the scene... and in that one quick moment when I saw her face, I knew that that actress deserved an Oscar.WHY??  I KNOW that face. I’ve made that face. I know "that" feeling.

Queen Regina

 Contrary to popular belief or misconception, it’s not the feeling of jealousy....look at it...its heartbreak...its a yearning for more.  The stepmother (as the Evil Queen evolves to be) is not “wicked” in this scene as she is labeled later.  This feeling is that daunting consistent realization that he may have married you…but you are not “her” and no matter what you do, no matter what you say, no matter how many hoops you jump through, no matter how awesome you really truly are..you will probably never hear your husband say that you are “indeed the greatest thing that has ever happened to me…the fairest in all the land..” if you will.  If he does, it will be in a private moment, with no one around, or with a disclaimer, or with him constantly looking over his shoulder to make sure that no one heard him, or without some “explaining” to do later…neither of which compare with an abandoned declaration, security and assurance that every wife wants settled in her heart. If a wife tells you differently, she's probably lying.  The Bible says that our desire is to our husbands, that's in biblical order to crave that. To not have that in totality and not become bitter, vindictive or cold and STILL trust God in your marriage takes an overwhelming amount of grace. 

Needless to say that the character.. "Regina" is a tad short on grace and ends up in all kind of foolishness all because she did not know what to do and had noone to turn to when her husband screwed up his priorities, disregarded her and her needs. The King is caught between a rock and a hard place, with a deceased wife he wants to always honor and the child he had with her...but its at the expense of the new wife he claims he loves…what would YOU do? There are no two "best". One is and one isn't, it requires a choice.

 Second wives, especially those married to a former widower NEED grace.  There are some things that you are going to have to settle in your heart for yourself and be ok with. Don't fall into the trap of bitterness.  God will and can fill in the blanks, I guarantee it! It is NOT easy; I don’t think it would have been given to me if it were easy. God entrusts me with the hard stuff. Some days are harder than others and sometimes you want to cry and retreat, find another way to be happy rather than explain yourself, once again.  But I know a God who is available to us.  He is a GREAT companion.  He is a very present help in the time of trouble.  Call him, he has NO problem declaring his love for you and shouting out to the world through his blessings…that, that one is MINE…I love her completely, there is no one like her and no one can take ever take her place, her design is unique and she is the best to do what Ihave called her to do….She is fearfully and wonderfully made…she is and will always be my number 1.

Blog Break-GET MOTIVATED

Yes, we are still covering the background for the Superfamily coat of arms this month, but I needed to share this after stumbling across some notes.

Going through my notebooks for 2011 I came across my notes from the “Get Motivated” Seminar I attended.  I don’t remember sharing them on my blog. I believe I initially thought…they were more business related versus family oriented.  But in reviewing them, some of the principles that govern stable businesses are relevant for families as well.  There is no corporation more strategic, valuable and intricate than a family.  The added dimension of the complexities of a blended family rival that of merging two major conglomerates!

 So review these nuggets with your family AND your business in mind.  I hope something is recorded in them that will help you build and develop your strategic plan for 2012!

1. During the time of change and disruption, seek and you will find opportunity.
2. Take on the tough assignments.
3. Be easy to manage, stay humble, meek and learn how to accept bad news.
4. It may take several attempts to achieve success.
5. Build your personal value and know what value add you bring to the table. [In nana's words you gotta be more than breath and britches]
6. People from the the 2^nd top country in this world wishes they were here with your opportunity.
7. Even if you win the rat race, you are still a rat. Keep the main thing, the main thing.
8. Work diligently to restore relationships.  The crime problem is directly related to the father-son problem.  This is why in the Jewish culture you find less of their young men in jail.  Fathers in their culture, verbally bless their children often.
9. “Why” is often more important than “how”.  Understand motive and any “how” will do.
10. What are you willing to do EVERY single day of your life?
11. Keep it simple.  Meet the customers’ need, make a profit. Business 101. 
12. If you finish last in medical school…you are still called doctor.  So don’t be discriminate and think just degreed individuals are the brightest bulb in the pack.  In 2010 93.9% of all billionaires in world never even finished college and if they did it wasnt until after they were wealthy.  Wisdom is the principal thing, you can learn from anyone.
13. W.I.N. “What’s Important Now”??
14. First we will be the best, and then we will be first.
15. Failure=succeeding at the wrong thing.

Lastly…raise your hand as high as you can (no, actually do it) …now raise it higher!  Why didn’t you do that at first??  Because we always hold “something” back.  Fear and vulnerability keeps us from always giving our best.  Conquer fear, be strong and courageous.  The worst that can happen is that you stay where you are...but what if you actually achieve...all...or maybe even 2 of the things that you are dreaming of.  Ok, put your hand down…and make your plans 2012! Its NOT too late to get motivated.

The Spirit of UGH!

Ugh...that was as best as I could describe it. It was hard for me to explain what I was feeling today, but I remember a sermon that Joyce Meyer preached awhile back that talked about “dread”. I looked it up and the definition is pretty accurate:

• feel extremely frightened: to feel extremely frightened or worried about something that may happen in the future
  be reluctant: to be reluctant or frightened to do something because it is unpleasant, upsetting, or annoying
  terror: a feeling of great fear or terror, especially at the thought of experiencing or encountering something unpleasant

Whereas I can’t say its “terror” perse’, I do know that frightful, reluctant feeling…that thing that happens in the pit of your stomach when you have to deal with something that you really don’t want to face. Dread is an energy sapper. As soon as the issue surfaced, I could feel my spirit sink to my feet, my heart began to race and my face grew weary. My whole demeanor changed and as much as I would like to say that I self-talked myself out of it right away, I can’t say that. It has been a process all day to stay focused and to try to strategize my next move. My preference would be for it to just go away. However it won’t, things that pop up in your life for you to face rarely do. They just keep surfacing until you deal with them head on. People say that all the time, BUT I am learning that it is easier said than done.

What am I afraid of? Many things, but particularly I fear the unknown. I fear that I don’t have what is necessary to fix it, that I don’t have the resources, or the knowledge. I fear what could happen if I don’t? I worry that my procrastination will cause me angst or embarrassment and I am not sure that I can handle it. I don’t know where to start and I don’t know where it will all end, again, “the unknown”.

But (sometimes, I love that word) I do know who DOES know what to do. I do know who has the resources, the knowledge and the strength to show up even in my weakness. I thank God for…well..God. I am grateful to have someone I can talk to on the way home to try to sort this out in my mind. I am thankful that he can help me untangle any web I have gotten myself into. I am thankful that he doesn’t toss me out just because I said that I am afraid. I am grateful that he knows, that I know that he hasn’t given me a spirit of fear but of power, love and strong mind. I am thankful that on the other side of this is freedom and peace and although I can’t see my way clear now, I know if I at least turn in God’s direction, he will never leave me or forsake me.

Paper Plate Tamborines.....

You can’t take it personal. You want to, but you can’t. Its feels personal, but it isn’t. Sometimes as a step parent you get the fall out from a child resenting the fact that you are there. Or the behaviors may just be residuals of the fact that they miss their parent or the way their life used to be. So sometimes you get the rolling of the eyes, the stomping off, the ignoring or disregard for what you have put in place. Some of this happens in regular nuclear families, but with the stress of the blended family already tense, this kind of issue gets amplified, sometimes unjustly, sometimes not. But you can’t take it personal. You want to, but you can’t.

We have learned to deal with this by keeping the main thing; the main thing. Personally, I just remember I do what I do because I love my husband; I made a covenant to him before God and witnesses to be his helpmeet. It has nothing to do with the kids, how they feel about me or how I feel about them. So no matter what it “feels” like, we are obligated to keep our word to God that we would help each other raise these children in the fear of God. Oh sure, there are days that the children think we’re great. There are times we may feel a love for them the same as we would our biological child. We know however that our job and responsibility to them, nor their respect and honor to us isn’t conditional on whether we “feeeeel” we do or not.

I’m reminded of story that made me reflect on a macaroni tambourine that my daughter made me out of paper plates, macaroni and crayons. She had streamers flowing from it and as a 2nd grader, she probably worked on it all day. I took it to work (I worked at a doctor’s office at the time) and had it displayed on my desk for years. When I got ready to switch jobs, a co-worker who was helping me pack was about to toss it out when I stopped her. She was like” It’s not like it’s a real tambourine, you can’t use it girl”. I told her I may not be able to do a thing with it, but I value my daughter and she made it for me, so it goes in the box.

When you look at how you treat people or things (children, siblings, spouses, co-workers, neighbors, the earth etc..) it can’t always be contingent on what your perceived value of the person or the relationship is. Sometimes the value isn’t just in them, “the creation”…its in the Creator. How you treat the creation can reflect how you really feel about the Creator. So, all of God’s little creations running around our home will be honored as His masterpieces. Thank God He used pencil so as He gives us wisdom we can adjust, erase and show up a little better every day.

Like them that dream...

This week is an important, pivotal week for our family. Our church is culminating "dream season" on this Sunday with a special service and offering. The offering will be used to fulfill the necessities of the dreams of the church as a whole. More importantly each family/individual was asked to consider working on their own dreams. What is it that you are dreaming about doing, achieving, completing, starting, changing???

One of the things the Superfamily is "dreaming" about doing, is being the subject of our own reality TV show. So.....Sunday after church we sat at dinner and 'dreamed" aloud what it would be like. It was hilarious!! They were coming up with episodes such as "Tune in next week...Jayna Returns! (She's lives away for college, but was home this weekend for cedar point). They were thinking of the conversations that people who watched the show would have..."Like girl, did you see the Superfamily last night? It was so good, I think the Jerica's are about to snap!" They were imagining their fan clubs, their websites, their new my space pages, who would be the most popular, would they have to act like they were in a disagreement to keep the show interesting. They talked about being followed with cameras to work, to school, to church, to the mall and around the house. They dreamed up tours, interviews, wardrobes, everything you could think of. They laughed, they created, they dreamed.....

While they were talking about it, my husband and I sort of well...watched. Laughed and watched. They were so excited. You almost thought that whatever they said was a possibility. They were so vivid, detailed and complete in thought. They went from one "what if" scenario to another just to be sure all the bases were covered. We didn't walk away from the table new TV stars, but we had a hope that maybe one day, at the right time it could come to pass. Right now, its a dream, but after we talked about it, laughed about it, came up with ideas and angles, for it to become a manifested reality doesn't seem too far off.

I shared that to say that some of us have stopped dreaming. My husband and I didn't even "dream" about the things we wanted to accomplish, we just took pleasure in watching the kids excitement. They had no problem going over and above anything they had ever imagined. But my husband and I, and you too...have something that you have dreamed of doing, dreamed of having, dreamed of accomplishing but are afraid to talk about it or even think about it. The kids had no fear, nothing was too outlandish, far fetched or unbelievable. Learn from them, I know I did. Dream it up...write it out...laugh about it, hope about it, broadcast it, take small steps to see it come to pass. The sky is not the limit, the sky and beyond is the destination!

I have a picture of them from that "dream session"...I'll post it soon.