Tuesday, August 19, 2008

The S on my chest !

Don't upset, hurt or attempt to bring harm to my husband or my children. Nothing will send me flying through the air into your face faster than messing with my people....that's just the way it is. My kids know it, my husband (poor thing) is learning it and those that really know me try to warn those that don't. Since I know in advance that I have the proclivity to smash my foot into the face of anyone that upsets them, I have to strive to be more disciplined, restrained and well-mannered in some areas. I'm getting better...really..I am. But you learn something from conflict. God reveals the idiotic tendencies in others so you know in advance how to handle them. He also shows the short fuse in you, so you can learn to manage it and become more like him. Confession time: Sometimes it takes me 2-3 lessons per issue.

For example, (and this was before we were married) my husband and I were talking on the phone about a serious issue he was having with someone. Someone did something that not just broke his heart-they crushed it into the ground and kicked it to the side like trash. He was devastated and I was angry. On the phone, he is describing to me their "I'm sorry" speech and I am on the other end (discreetly as possible when enraged) pacing , throwing plates and punching walls waiting for him to get to the part where he says something like "and then I picked up a bat and slammed it across their throat". That part never comes. What a guy huh? He just meekly shares his disappointment and his pain and then I had to refocus my anger by praying him through it. It was rough. The next time I saw this person- I had to go in the bathroom and call my sister to keep from literally choking them. Why? Because even then, My husband was mine and what hurt him, hurt me. I knew then that somehow this issue was gonna be a continuous problem. We worked through that and even though he struggled awhile, his tenacity won out and he got back on his feet again and was healed of the hurt. He was ok, so I was ok.

Not less than a year later, this same person hurt him again. The same type of crap... yeah crap. (I tried to think of a better word, but none came so there it is...) No regard for him, his feelings, his heart on anything my husband had done to and for this individual. Not thinking, just grab heart, smash to floor, keep walking-hope you can deal with it. Furious does not come close to describing what I felt. My soon "to be" husband was blank. Literally blank. I had never seen him like that before. It wasn't depression or hurt or anger. Those I can handle and have a scripture or two for each...but blank? I didn't have anything for that. He was here, but not here. His mannerisms were listless, he seemed distant, sad and just minimally functioning in his day to day. My first thought was to jump in the car and run the person over that hurt him and tell God that they tripped and fell and I didn't see them...and then repent and Praise God for the victory....After about an hour of planning it out-I guessed that it may not work....and went to see John instead. After awhile...a longer while...we worked through it. Limping, but we made the best of it. Is there a pattern here or a lesson that I am missing God? I was telling a friend of mine about this and how I was struggling to handle this right. She was like no problem, I'll pray-but you are doing good...you have really grown...the old you would have punched them clear in the mouth by now..I was like hmmm...wow she's right..I can't believe it either...hmmm.

A year later...( you know what's coming don't you-I know...I know...you think I'm kidding, but I'm not) This same person/situation rears it head again and causes confusion. But now...we're married. My home is in turmoil. All bets are off. I am no longer trying to impress John with how nice and calm and rational I can be. The S on my chest is burning, cape is flying and heads are gonna roll. There is no excuse for us to be blindsided by this again. Somebody has to step up. Boundaries need to be set. From now, on they get this far and no farther. As for me, that rule still stands. John is extremely more gracious and lenient. Somebody has to offset my extremes. I am now always on guard; always watching, always protecting, always listening, always praying....and THAT"s what God wanted from jump. He was showing me early of how a situation can brew and plant a negative seed and if let unchecked, what could happen when you let the walls of your home become open to any kind of spirit or influence. The enemy can destroy your peace. In other words, don't be a punk girl, guard your home, guard your marriage, guard your kids. I gave them to you, so protect them, stand guard because they are your valuables.

I get it; concerning them I mean. I am learning that the old adage is true. Joyce Meyer says it all the time: Hurting people, hurt people. They are/were hurt. The enemy was using them to make everyone around especially us a victim of their bad decisions. Not me, not anymore. I'm sorry that they hurt and I pray they work through it however, now-lesson learned- I've got my hand to the brow looking out. Not just at them, but anything or anybody that comes with garbage, negative influences or drama. Not having it. I manage my relationship with them cautiously. I do not allow them to manipulate, use or manage me. The S on my chest does stand for Superwife/mom...but God also showed me that it stands for SOLDIER. He was teaching me that I may not have to fight hand to hand anymore (although I will keep an old school alley beat down tuned up as a viable option should God call upon it ) but I will always have to fight spiritually against evil principalities and God knows as He empowers me, humbles me and teaches me- I'm game....bring it on!

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