I didn't get the job

I didn't get the job I interviewed for...it was better pay, more work, more responsibility and hours, and did I mention better pay...but I didn't get it. So, why am I still smiling?? That's a darn good question. On the surface I have nothing to smile about...I mean I still have a job and I'm grateful. But this was an opportunity I wanted and I didn't get it. I am disappointed but encouraged...why...well because of why I didn't get the job.

I interviewed with the President (yes, it was THAT kinda position) and the interview went very well..we had common interests and talked about family, the position of the company, the economy...just a mirage of things. I sent a thank you letter and he was cordial and appreciative. Then I found out a few days later that I didn't get the position. HR called me later that day and said that the President wanted to talk to me about his selection. Frankly, I didn't want to talk to him. I just wanted to go home. I didn't really need to hear the "you were a good candidate but didn't fit what we were looking for speech". So I blew off the call from HR and didn't call him to set up a meeting (I know that wasn't right...but hey that's what happened).

But then 15 minutes before I was going to leave, the President walks down to my desk and and tells me to "be sure"to stop by his office before I leave. GREAT..just great. So I put on my coat, grab my bags and put my sunglasses on my head and prepare to trounce down to his office with an attitude. My co-workers (who I told what happen) are thankfully God fearing and wise. They took off my coat, took my bags, put my sunglasses in my purse, got my lipstick out and told me to put some on and go to his office like I had some sense. I hate them :-). So, I did...long story short he did give me the "speech"..but he went on to say that to put me in that job would be a complete waste of resources and as a matter of fact he said he talked to my boss a few days ago to blast him as to why I was doing the job I was doing instead of something else. In my head I thought-WOW...out loud, I said...oh. I was speechless.

He told me to be patient (he doesn't know that I don't have any extra patience to spare) but that he saw that I could be leading a couple of key projects and assignments. He has only been on board at the company a few weeks, but he is taking note and manuevering people to strategic positions based on their skill set and potential-not necessarily based on only what they think they can do. Could this be all smoke and mirrors and an evil plot to sweet talk me to make sure that in my bitterness I don't overthrow the company?? I suppose...but I doubt it. Its not something he HAD to do. He could just fire me. He chose to take the time to talk to me. He could have e-mailed me, texted, sent me a letter...but I had value in his sight and he felt obiliged to move his calendar for a simple conversation. The man sowed honor, so now he his due honor. There was a BIG God-lesson there for me. Somehow knowing the logic behind it (the lesson and his strategy), it made the tough pill easier to swallow. Ok, it still sucked...but you get my point.

I even sent the lady who got the job a nice congratulatory gift and handwritten card on my best stationery (aren't I a sweetie...?) Yeah whatever, I didn't want to...might as well tell the truth-but I had to. I needed to bless her in order to settle what happened inside of me and move on. So, I didn't get the job...that hurt-but I am on first name basis and on the radar of the President of the company. Unlike most here, I got to "present" myself and show him my value add to this company. It was a God given opportunity that seemingly got me nothing...but actually got me everything. So, hey at 4:00, when I walk past that person's office who got the job who is still working her tail off and I'm going home to my family...I smile and say God you are wise and I trust you and I moonwalk to the elevator and go HOME.

My nest is emptying...well kinda

In this photo you will see five feathers..one that represents each of my children. Well, by the end of the summer that number may go down to just one. Yes, in less than 4 months...I could be down to one child, no more than maybe two of my children at living at home. Now mind you my husband's children will still be there...but for the most part mine won't.

Let's see, 1st there's Jay...my Oklahoma baby who is away in school and will more than likely- not come back. He would be honestly bored here. I hope he ends up on a mission field in Austraila or Zimbabwe...THAT would be a dream come true for him. He's single focused-get the world saved. That's it..that's his goal. He is the most like our spiritual father (who went home to be with the Lord). He has a compassionate heart...and wants to help hurting people.

Then there's Bryan...who has decided to join Jay in Oklahoma for three years of school. I am almost doubly positive that he for certain won't come back. He will probably find people of like minded spirits there in ministry and ta-da...his new home. He is the most changed...his testimony is incredible and he is finding his own place and his own voice.

My oldest is trying out for a football team and make it or not...its time for him to be on his own...so by the end of the summer-he will probably be making some moves. He's the most like me..passionately tempermental, but talented...a weird, wonderful combination.

Lastly there is Jerica..my daughter. She is moving to Florida next week to work and go to school...heartbreaker right there...she is my right hand girl. I can truly count on her and she is incredible with her younger sister. She's a risk taker and a planner. She doesn't want to come back. She will make her home in florida..and take her sister most summers.

In a few months that will leave me and the baby... that should be interesting.

There will be tears. Most parents, especially mothers who proclaim to be estatic with their kids leaving home are either lying through their teeth...don't have a good relationship with them...or their child is a hellion on wheels, full of drama and pushing 30 years old with no goals. I have a great relationship with my kids and as I stated in this post before...Before I married, I would rather be with them than with anyone in the world. It has not been without trial..I have made many mistakes concerning them. I was 19 when I had my 1st child and I have grown up right along side of them. They've seen me happy..and they've seen me devastated. They've watched me overcome crazy odds and they watched me cry in defeat. They know, for them I would give my last...and would give my life in their stead. I also know they would rip this earth apart strip by strip to save "mommy" if they had to.

They are equipped. They have all I know. They have the knowledge and power of God and they know the number one overarching family rule...Love God and look out for your sister and brother. When everyone and anyone fails you...they will be there. They will be there for marriages, babies, funerals, break-ups, fights, divorces, counseling, shopping, to fix a flat, to house sit, baby sit, loan money, pray with you...cry with you...answer prayer....God and your siblings...if you nuture those relationships right...will always be there for you...even when mommy can't.

They will possibly do things out on there on their own that will make me wonder if this was the same child that I laid on my back for and pushed into this world. But they will also do some things that will make me proud...like when Jay was in his school/church newsletter and they had a picture of him...worshipping no less... Or the day that Jerica and Bryan came home with cars that they saved for and bought...without any help from me. Or when Stevan thrived in a new school environment that could have turned out negatively.

I am sure I will slowly adjust. It will be new...I won't be a "supermom" anymore sorta...I will still have John's children around and a house to care for...and of course a new marriage to take care of....but I am not a mommy to those things...I am a wife..or Ms. Camille...my mommy days are wrapping up fast. Jordan will be 13 this year.... What was I like before motherhood...before all of these little people depended on me for everything. Before bottles, diapers, allowance, parent teacher conference, ballet, proms....first jobs, first cars...It will be interesting to rediscover that. I did an article for MORE magazine awhile back that talked about life rediscovery and how you need to determine and accept your new normals...I guess I need to read my own press. hmmmmmmmmmmm..I'll keep you posted.

The Secret Service-Mommy Style!

I saw a photo recently of The "First Daughters" going to school. I saw their mom and then the entourage of secret service agents there to protect them from dangers seen and unseen. And rightly so mind you, their father just happens to be the leader of the free world. Their covering and protection is most certainly justified if I do say so myself. I thought to myself wow....they don't even realize that they are the most protected two little girls in the world. Or are they? What I mean is what makes my two daughters (or my boys for that matter) any less protected than Malia and Sasha? Sure, I understand that they have agents with major firepower and snipers on the roof of every building they walk in, but my girls have Secret Agent Mommy and the unmatched power of God...now that's some power right there. Mom's are in secret service mode all the time and usually the kids don't recognize it. You interrogate friends, teachers, ministry leaders, other parents, coaches, ballet instructors, siblings anything or anybody that will or may have contact with your child. You even ask your child questions that will give you the information you need. Like, "That new girl Casey, what church does she go to? What does her parents do? Where did you meet her? Where does she work? What are her grades like? What does she aspire to do? What does she know about you? What does she do when she is angry? Questions like these tell me plenty about a let's say a friend of my daughter and can lead to other questions for example:

Q: What church does she go to?
A: Bay Side Double Rock Baptist

Q: Is she saved?
A: Yes, and yes ma I asked her

(A no to this question would have led to a whole line of new questions, boundaries (to protect the child) and assignments to get her led to the Lord)

Q: Where does she work?
A: She doesn't work

Q: Does she volunteer anywhere?
A: No

Q: So how does she pay for her hair appts and cell phone bill?
A: Ummmmmmmm

(This could mean you are dealing with someone lazy(no motivation to take care of themself) spoiled(parents or other family members pay for everything with no accountability to earn it) and/or selfish (since they have free time and don't even use that to give to their community, church or shelter etc..) you can imagine that they are pretty wrapped up in their needs and don't regulary think about the needs of others.) Or worst case scenario she could be with a seedy, dealing young man who "pays" for her extracurriculum activities.

I think you get my point here.

As a Secret service agent mom...I watch EVERYTHING and forget VERY LITTLE. I remember who my children can count on and who they can't. I remember who doesn't set a good example and who does. I see which friends scramble to turn down inappropriate music when they see me coming. I know what family members are good for them to learn from and which ones are not. I go through drawers, bags, under beds, in clothes pockets, under matresses, anywhere I please at any given time, for any given reason or no reason at all. I'm the mom and understand this clearly: no non-rent paying child has privacy in my home except that which is allowed when I (or my husband) deem it so at that particular time. So, if its not supposed to be there...don't bring it in my house. If I see it, and its outta order, it goes in the garbage no warning, no explanations...I don't have time. Your protection is at stake and I am doing my job.

Some parents have a problem with "evading personal space" I don't have that as an issue. There is no such thing. I have been raising children over 20 years, trust someone with a clue and experience-TRUST YOUR INSTINCT!! That's what makes you a great "agent". Now couple that with the Power of God and you are unstoppable. God will give you insight, creative ideas and that "gut" something that leads you into what you should do next.

So the 1st daughters are pretty well covered and I pray for their protection often, but I also know that my kids may not have security driving them to school or black suit ear piece wearing guards at everyturn....but they are protected. and protected,well. The bible even teaches that God will set angels to be in charge over you. My kids angels must be cream of the crop. I have seen them delivered out of some messes that you would'nt believe. I have seen God tell me things and show me things that have helped them and saved them from foolishness.

So parents,
earpieces in (listen to your child, listen to God about your child, listen to people with experienced wisdom as to what to do with your child, listen to those who love your child tell you about your blind spot concerning them)

dark shades on(to increase your ability to see when everyone else may be blinded, look at everything....watch what they are watching, read what they are reading)

gun ready and loaded (set the parameters, put up the boundaries and fire when they (or those around them) go to far and shoot to kill! Kill everything negative that comes against them, kill negative thoughts that they have, kill influences from others who are, well, stupid- kill misconceptions about who they are and what they can do)

Secret Service agent always reporting for duty!

Gotta learn how to wait ??

There is this song I love called "Not the time, Not the place" by an artist named Marvin Sapp. ..its lyrics are so powerful...there is this one line that irritates me though(my comments in parenthesis)

Not the time, not the place (cool...that's true)

Just believe keep the faith (very encouraging...I'm wit cha' Marvin)

gotta learn HOW TO WAIT (Excuse me ?? LEARN... WAIT... who do you think you are to tell me to WAIT and to say I gotta LEARN...as if its a subject in school)

LEARN HOW TO WAIT ??? (What kind of statement is that in a song that's supposed to be encouraging? Its too bad........he was doing so well til' that line :-)

Well, it is extremely irritating...but its true- darnit. The defintion for wait is to remain stationary in readiness or expectation. Waiting is an art form. It takes skill, patience, and the ability to do something and nothing. You do tons of waiting in a stepfamily. You wait for your attitude to adjust, You wait for your mouth to get under control. You wait for your marriage to improve. You wait for respect. You wait for honor. You wait for a reprieve. You wait for grace. You wait to not care about this issue. You wait for this not to matter, you wait for the kids to change. You wait to have a home of peace. You wait for rest. You wait for pat on the back. You WAIT............and WAIT.....................and WAIT.....................and WAIT..............and WAIT.

But HOW do you wait..."correctly" if you will? Or at least in a way that will please God and yield the most positive results for your spouse, and family. You wait like a good waitress at a five star restuarant...

1. You acknowledge the One that you are waiting on.

2. You meet the immediate needs of the One you are serving

3. You put before them the special of the day "what you have to offer..

4. If you don't know yet what They want from you, you suggest until you get a confirmation

5. You stand ready to meet any request within your power to meet

6. You clear away anything that may be in the way of them enjoying what They have ordered.

7. When you have met Their request, you thank them for the opportunity to serve them

8. You bring THEM the Bill.

9. You get what you need from them to cover what They ordered.

10. They leave you a tip for good service

Hmmmmmmmmmmmm waiting is work. Waiting is tough. But if you do well...I believe waiting pays off in the end. This hasn't been worked through the chambers of my own life yet...at least not to its conclusion. So, I can't speak with much unction about something I haven't fully experienced. I'm still learning as I am sharing with you. But as this revelation came, I felt obligated to share it.....so I'm waiting, you're waiting....we've gotta learn how to wait.

System Shutdown

John and I have never really had an all out war argument. At least not the type I am accustomed to. However, we have had some severe disagreements about some major issues. Usually right before it spirals out of control or when it appears as if no solution is evident, something happens on my end. Its called the "shutdown". I just stop. I stop talking, I stop thinking, I stop manuevering, I stop internalizing, I just stop. Just like a computer, any work in progress will be lost. I won't want to bring it up again. John usually doesn't notice the shutdown right away because it is subtle and unannounced and he is usually talking or finishing his point and its happened and it slips right pass him.

The shutdown has probably prevented many of our discussions from escalating into arguments. Sometimes I just don't have the energy to discuss the same thing over and over again and since there are 178 other things on my list to contend with right now, I will just drop it and in mind move on to the next thing. But the down side is that it also prevent many issues from being settled and dealt with. Once I stop communicating, that's it. Discussion over, whatever you want- fine, I'm done with it. So, all of these unresolved issues just broil internally, constantly over and over again and nothing gets moved to the next level.

Well, somewhere in there it got noticed and John and I decided that we would work on it. It falls under our communication pillar of the relationship, but the strategy we use to work through this will give us a blueprint as to how to ( and how to not) handle future issues. What was interesting is the way John approached it. He asked me "what is it that I do that causes you to shut down?". I found that to be very comforting, why? Well, because even though it is I that does the "shutting down", he took joint ownership and repsonsibility of the issue. He didn't shove the problem in my lap and say "just fix...that thing you do."

In Blended families like it or love it problems in his family is a problem in your family. An issue with his kids, means an issue for you. A problem with your mom is a problem for him. The joys are shared but so are the problems. The shutdown issue is still a problem (hey we've only been on it two weeks, give us a break:-) But somehow it doesn't seem as hopeless as it once did, all because my husband turned the situation inward to correct himself first.

What things do you need to correct in you first? What problems are coming up over and over again that you know you play a role in that you don't want to deal with? Start inward and let your spouse know it (No matter who started it). You will gain a new respect from them and break down another layer of the barrier to your oneness.