The Spirit of UGH!

Ugh...that was as best as I could describe it. It was hard for me to explain what I was feeling today, but I remember a sermon that Joyce Meyer preached awhile back that talked about “dread”. I looked it up and the definition is pretty accurate:

• feel extremely frightened: to feel extremely frightened or worried about something that may happen in the future
  be reluctant: to be reluctant or frightened to do something because it is unpleasant, upsetting, or annoying
  terror: a feeling of great fear or terror, especially at the thought of experiencing or encountering something unpleasant

Whereas I can’t say its “terror” perse’, I do know that frightful, reluctant feeling…that thing that happens in the pit of your stomach when you have to deal with something that you really don’t want to face. Dread is an energy sapper. As soon as the issue surfaced, I could feel my spirit sink to my feet, my heart began to race and my face grew weary. My whole demeanor changed and as much as I would like to say that I self-talked myself out of it right away, I can’t say that. It has been a process all day to stay focused and to try to strategize my next move. My preference would be for it to just go away. However it won’t, things that pop up in your life for you to face rarely do. They just keep surfacing until you deal with them head on. People say that all the time, BUT I am learning that it is easier said than done.

What am I afraid of? Many things, but particularly I fear the unknown. I fear that I don’t have what is necessary to fix it, that I don’t have the resources, or the knowledge. I fear what could happen if I don’t? I worry that my procrastination will cause me angst or embarrassment and I am not sure that I can handle it. I don’t know where to start and I don’t know where it will all end, again, “the unknown”.

But (sometimes, I love that word) I do know who DOES know what to do. I do know who has the resources, the knowledge and the strength to show up even in my weakness. I thank God for…well..God. I am grateful to have someone I can talk to on the way home to try to sort this out in my mind. I am thankful that he can help me untangle any web I have gotten myself into. I am thankful that he doesn’t toss me out just because I said that I am afraid. I am grateful that he knows, that I know that he hasn’t given me a spirit of fear but of power, love and strong mind. I am thankful that on the other side of this is freedom and peace and although I can’t see my way clear now, I know if I at least turn in God’s direction, he will never leave me or forsake me.

The Danger of Doing Nothing

There are major side effects from doing “nothing”. If water becomes stagnant it means nothing fresh is coming in and nothing is flowing out. Stagnant water, just like the picture draws flies and leeches and litter. After awhile, it begins to smell. To be stagnant is to not develop, to become foul, stale, inactive and not moving.

Stagnant is also listed as an adjective which is a word that is used to describe things. You could have a stagnant job, a stagnant mindset, a stagnant relationship, a stagnant family, a stagnant marriage, a stagnant prayer life, a stagnant life…nothing fresh coming in and nothing flowing out. Whatever area is not moving, not growing; not developing is becoming stagnant and its beginning to smell. You will not be able to hold it together long, the stench from your inactivity in any area will waft in the air like sour milk. The flies, the leeches, the opportunists will smell the stench of your inactivity and will see that you are not moving. They will jump in your lane & make attempts to steal your dreams, your goals, your family, your spouse, your position.

Whatever area is lying dormant that you KNOW is supposed to be further ahead, better developed, or more mature you need to do something. For most of us we are not waiting on God, God is waiting on us to change, to attempt, to start, to make the phone call, to send the resume, to follow up, to speak up, to show up, to commit, to say no, to apologize, to let go, to forgive. One of my mentors (Dr. Stacia Pierce) says that “Whatever you want, whatever you are dreaming of is on the other side of what you won’t do”.

You want a better marriage but won’t go to counseling. You want to be a world renowned novelist, but won’t write a book. You want to be healthier, but you eat fast food 3 times a week. You want a better position, but won’t shadow someone to learn more. You want your own business, but can’t get to your current job on time. You want to get out of debt, but won’t save.

There is a danger in doing “nothing”. Do something. Do something TODAY. Doesn’t have to be a big something…but DO it. For me, I have a book to write....time to get this river flowing...

Why so downcast Camille?

To those of you that follow me on Twitter ( @ Queencdj) you know I “hit a bump” right at the beginning of the New Year. In just a two minute conversation with one of my kids, the enemy tried to get me off kilter right off the bat. Disappointment, discouragement, anger, hurt, fear, regret in myself and others streamed in and out of my head like a rushing river. I prayed about it. I went to church and tried to stay focused while going through the motions. But off and on all day, all evening my thoughts and fear betrayed me. I was afraid for some reason that God was going to leave me to face this alone. As if he was sitting on his throne saying “just deal with it, chick” Stupid I know, but that’s what I felt.

Then something interesting happened. I sat in my car before coming into work today and prayed for my job, my boss, the president of the company, my co-workers and staff members. Without thinking about it, I was suddenly not thinking about me anymore and prayed about our year at the office and thanked God for last year. I prayed for wisdom, creativity and favor for our CEO and those that worked with him.

After that, I went on into the office as I normally would battling back and forth in my mind as to what needed to be done and being resolute that I would not let my mind dwell too long on the negative things that are going on. Still felt a little down though, I was disheartened that a year starting with so much promise seemed to be getting off to a rocky start. I checked my email and there was...

Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise Him, my Savior and my God.” Psalm 43:5

That scripture was placed there by God ahead of time to be there to minister to me when I needed it. He hasn’t left me or forsaken me. The issues are still there, the problem is still looming, but GOD is there too. So for my first official blog of 2010 I proclaim that I can do ALL things though Christ which strengthens me. I can't say I feel like jumping up and down like the woman in this picture. But I am putting it there anyway as a reminder that one day my joy will be restored and I will smile again real soon.

I believe that by praying for others and taking the focus off of "me me me" for just those few minutes allowed my heart to soften enough to feel the presence of God in the midst of my issues. I thank him for giving me the mind to pray about others and the Word he sent to remind me that “this too shall pass…”