The Spirit of UGH!

Ugh...that was as best as I could describe it. It was hard for me to explain what I was feeling today, but I remember a sermon that Joyce Meyer preached awhile back that talked about “dread”. I looked it up and the definition is pretty accurate:

• feel extremely frightened: to feel extremely frightened or worried about something that may happen in the future
  be reluctant: to be reluctant or frightened to do something because it is unpleasant, upsetting, or annoying
  terror: a feeling of great fear or terror, especially at the thought of experiencing or encountering something unpleasant

Whereas I can’t say its “terror” perse’, I do know that frightful, reluctant feeling…that thing that happens in the pit of your stomach when you have to deal with something that you really don’t want to face. Dread is an energy sapper. As soon as the issue surfaced, I could feel my spirit sink to my feet, my heart began to race and my face grew weary. My whole demeanor changed and as much as I would like to say that I self-talked myself out of it right away, I can’t say that. It has been a process all day to stay focused and to try to strategize my next move. My preference would be for it to just go away. However it won’t, things that pop up in your life for you to face rarely do. They just keep surfacing until you deal with them head on. People say that all the time, BUT I am learning that it is easier said than done.

What am I afraid of? Many things, but particularly I fear the unknown. I fear that I don’t have what is necessary to fix it, that I don’t have the resources, or the knowledge. I fear what could happen if I don’t? I worry that my procrastination will cause me angst or embarrassment and I am not sure that I can handle it. I don’t know where to start and I don’t know where it will all end, again, “the unknown”.

But (sometimes, I love that word) I do know who DOES know what to do. I do know who has the resources, the knowledge and the strength to show up even in my weakness. I thank God for…well..God. I am grateful to have someone I can talk to on the way home to try to sort this out in my mind. I am thankful that he can help me untangle any web I have gotten myself into. I am thankful that he doesn’t toss me out just because I said that I am afraid. I am grateful that he knows, that I know that he hasn’t given me a spirit of fear but of power, love and strong mind. I am thankful that on the other side of this is freedom and peace and although I can’t see my way clear now, I know if I at least turn in God’s direction, he will never leave me or forsake me.